Babies, Balanced Translocations, and Being in My 30s

Update and PAIL

2012-03-02T07:56:00.002-10:00

Long time, no blog. I've been incredibly busy and keeping up with everyone else's posts has taken up the majority of my time. I'm taking 3 classes this semester so that I can finish my degree during the first summer session. It's looking more and more like a baby may actually be happening for Mr. F and I, so I'm trying to tie up loose ends.

We will likely be moving shortly after I give birth (crazy, right!!?) We are unsure if it will just be across town or across the country. Mr. F is finishing his doctorate and will be on the hunt for a job. I'm a little stressed not knowing where we will be living...but I'm trying to deal so Mr. F can keep his sanity. That's the big news in my life. Otherwise, the pregnancy continues to progress. I haven't felt any movement or anything yet, which I am most excited about.

Additionally, I am so excited that fellow bloggers had the brilliant idea to start PAIL. I'm loving it so far and have already found lots of new bloggers to follow.

Luck

2012-02-10T15:22:00.000-10:00

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile. In some ways, I feel extremely lucky. Finding a genetically normal embryo and actually having it grow into a baby--really, incredibly lucky. I also am lucky enough to have a career that I enjoy and to be able to have the freedom to travel and pursue hobbies. On the other hand, I'm not so lucky. I got saddled with infertility, a balanced translocation, one good embryo out of 19, and multiple miscarriages.

Before I started down this road, I thought Mr. F and I would have 3-4 children (though he always said 2). Now, I'm not so sure. I'm incredibly blessed that so far ivf has worked for us and that we had insurance to cover the costs. Even though this pregnancy hasn't even provided us with child #1 yet, I am already considering how we are going to provide her with a sibling. We have no frosties, so that's out. I also don't see us being willing to spend the money for ivf on the gamble that we find what is likely one of my few remaining normal embryos. So, we're back to donor something--which we are both more than happy to proceed with. It's just odd to think how differently our family will end up growing...all because of one genetic mutation. I also feel like I'm not really out of the trenches. I remember before thinking....if I just was able to have a child then I could leave this behind. I no longer believe that. The fight for #2 will be just as hard as the fight for #1. I feel incredibly lucky to even be in the position to contemplate #1 and my heart hurts for all of you out there still waiting to get to that point. I guess, I just feel differently now then I thought I would feel. Time, perspective, and all of that.

NT Scan

2012-01-28T11:42:00.000-10:00

I had my NT scan yesterday and am happy to report that all is normal. The MFM dr. said he doesn't think we have anything to worry about and that I should enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. I am so, so hoping that he is right. I will go back at 18 weeks for another scan, where they will specifically be looking at the heart and other organs.

Upon this news, we decided to go ahead and tell the rest of our friends and family. I wasn't shy and told everyone that we went through ivf and that we had only one normal embryo out of 19. Everyone has been really excited for us which has been great. Other than that, I'm doing well. The fatigue is lifting and I'm starting to feel like my normal self again.

And I can Relax for another Week

2012-01-18T11:14:00.000-10:00

I had my ultrasound today. Baby is doing well. She is now measuring 1 day ahead and I'm officially 11 weeks. Apparently this is also the date my OB will be using because they don't care about ivf dates and instead use LMP. The baby was extremely active and it was really cool to watch. I also finally got a stomach ultrasound! Now I can relax until my NT scan......

Where I'm at Now

2012-01-16T19:13:00.000-10:00

As you can see, I've changed up my blog. I added a ticker (I was a little worried about doing so) but I always hate going to someone's blog and trying to add in my head where they are currently at in their pregnancy or ttc history.

As far as the pregnancy, I'm feeling pretty good. I've had a few random times where I've thrown up. I'm actually starting to think it's because of my prenatals--I recently switched. I'm also starting to feel less tired then I was previously. So, so far so good. I had my first appointment with my midwife last week. I was pretty underwhelmed. I guess I expected a little more depth to the appointment but it was basically me peeing on a stick to confirm pregnancy. This week, Wednesday, I go back for a dating ultrasound and next week I will go in for my physical (I'm hoping this appointment will be a bit more substantive). I've scheduled our NT scan for the end of the month. So, lots of exciting and terrifying appointments coming up.

I find myself not really remembering that I'm pregnant most days. I only start to get nervous and anxious when I have an ultrasound appointment coming up. So, I'm feeling pretty nervous right now. I guess I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't wait to get out of the first trimester. Even though I know it doesn't remove all risk, it's a milestone I'm looking forward to passing and I think my anxiety will lessen a bit. Have I mentioned I'm extremely type A--that probably doesn't help either. I also just ordered a doppler. I've used it once and I think I found a heartbeat. I hope it will be reassuring in the weeks to come.

Other than that, not much is new. I started classes again last week so I'm extremely busy again. This is also my busy time at work...so between that and school my days are pretty full.

9 weeks 1 day and Graduation

2012-01-06T14:32:00.000-10:00

I had my 3rd and final ultrasound with my REs office today. The baby is still growing correctly and is right on track. I got to see arms and legs this time and even got to watch her kick--it was beyond awesome.
Also awesome will be weaning off the PIO and estrogen. I don't really get to start until another 1.5 weeks but then I will slowly be decreasing my dose until stopping completely at 12 weeks.

I have my first midwife appointment on Monday and am looking forward to meeting her. Up next will be the NT scan. It'll be weird not having another ultrasound until then.

Second Ultrasound

2011-12-30T18:06:00.000-10:00

I'm 8 weeks 1 day now and happy to report that my ultrasound today agreed. I'm measuring right on the dot. I got the better machine today so got to see and hear the heartbeat. It was right on track at 161 bpm. I go back next Friday for another look and have been told to schedule my appointment with my obstetrician. I've been thinking a lot lately about how lucky I am but I think I'll save that post for another day. Happy New Years to everyone and may your 2012 be better then your 2011.

Heartbeat!

2011-12-20T14:38:00.001-10:00

Wow, I actually am pregnant. I'm starting to believe it now. We saw a teeny, tiny smudge with a yolk sac and beating heart. We were using the offices crappier ultrasound machine (next week I'll get the good one) so our RE couldn't get an exact heart rate count. However, he said it's well over 100 and is super happy with progression so far. Obviously, I know things can still go wrong but for today, I'm pregnant and thrilled.

Ultrasound Today

2011-12-20T11:29:00.000-10:00

I'll be leaving in a few hours. I'm really, really nervous. I have never had a good pregnancy ultrasound before. I've never seen a heartbeat. We should see that today. Of course I'll update as soon as I know the results.

The Slowest 2ww...

2011-12-12T11:06:00.001-10:00

Time seems to be slowly ticking by until my first ultrasound on the 20th. I've never had a 2ww feel longer! I'm not really feeling much in the way of symptoms. A little food aversion and nausea here and there, some weird cramping/pulling, crying more than normal, bad skin (I blame progesterone for this), and tired. Other than that, feeling pretty normal which makes it harder to believe that I am the P word. I've been using up my internet cheapies and poas periodically when I begin to worry. Happy to say they are finally as dark as the control line--I'm guessing a FRER would be blazing by now. So, I think I'm done testing.

The PIO is a pain in the butt (literally). I finally understand now what you ivf ladies are talking about. Giant red itchy welts, check. My RE doesn't allow baths at all until first ultrasound which is unfortunate because I think they would help. I'm going to try the heating pad trick I've been hearing about online. Otherwise, just hanging out and reading all of your blogs. Hoping this week flies by.

Second Beta

2011-12-06T10:51:00.000-10:00

My second beta just came in and it's 778! That's a doubling time of 41.82 hours. I'm so proud to finally be on the normal scale of things! I have never had appropriately rising betas

No more betas for me. My clinic just makes sure they are doubling appropriately and if so, you are done with the needle poking. My first ultrasound is December 20th. For now, I'm going to try to enjoy this pregnancy and try to remain hopeful that things will proceed normally. I am greatly appreciating all your good vibes and thoughts. I think it's helping!

First Beta Results

2011-12-04T12:42:00.000-10:00

They are in and.............374! My RE is really happy with the results. I go back on Tuesday, I'll be 4wks 5 days then, for a repeat. Keep the positive thoughts coming! Thanks again for all your support. It is so reassuring to know that others have been through this.

Fear and Elation...

2011-12-02T12:00:00.000-10:00

Those two emotions should never go together. However, that's where I find myself today. Never did I think that it would seem to take so long to get to a first beta.
I really should back away from the poas tests. I took my original FRER at 8dp5dt and a new one today at 10dp5dt and the lines the same, I think. I wanted it to be darker--of course ideally there would be no control line because the test line is so dark. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. And so, I worry. RPL has taken away any semblance of normalcy for this pregnancy. All I can think about is when the other shoe is going to drop. No visit to the dr. in regards to a positive HPT has ended happily. Instead it's always been doom and gloom. Too low betas and declining numbers. Even the fact that I've had no spotting doesn't help to ease my mind. After all I'm on PIO, so its common to have declining numbers and not spot. Argh, stupid RPL. I know the worrying will do nothing to change the outcome and I'm so happy that I at least know a normal embryo can implant. Now, if only Sunday could get here faster. For those obsessive poas'ers I leave you with today's test on the bottom and 8dp5dt on the top.

8dp5dt

2011-11-30T05:31:00.003-10:00

I'm at a conference right now and thousands of miles from home. I arrived yesterday and was completely sleep deprived. The turbulence was so bad on the way here that there were several times I was certain the plane was going to fall out of the sky. It was in that sleep deprived state that my co-worker took me to target last night to buy some pregnancy tests. I (being a constant poas'er) had brought along some internet cheapies. I've been getting what I've thought were evaps on them since yesterday---trust me they are super, super faint. So, just wanted to get this over with and have the ability to drown my sorrows in alcohol while at the conference. I picked up the target brand box next to the FRER's. This morning when I pulled them out instead of being pink dye they were blue. I remember reading blue are famous for their evaps. I'm hoping this isn't one of them. The test line was a line before the control line even popped up. According to the t.arget instructions that's all I'm looking for -- 2 lines. My internet cheapie also has a line. It's faint but it's pink. Did this seriously work for me? I'm a little in shock right now--I broke down when I saw the second line. It's so late in the game. Beta isn't until Sunday. Please send your positive thoughts my way.

Edited to add--Thanks for all the support! It is so very much appreciated. I'm hoping these lines continue to get darker and this is actually our sticky bfp. Because I couldn't stand not knowing if this was real or not, I went to buy some FRERs, pretty sure this is a bfp. (sorry for the poor quality photo all I have is my phone).

6dp5dt

2011-11-28T07:37:00.000-10:00

And a glaringly white bfn this morning. I've never had a bfp later then this, so I'm fairly certain this cycle was a bust. Disappointing but not really surprising. Especially considering the quality of the rest of my eggs. Beta won't be until Sunday now as I'm going out of town and my clinic doesn't want me to go to another lab. So, I get to continue injecting myself with PIO shots even though all I'm seeing is - poas tests. So, that's really quite annoying.
Mr. F and I have been talking a bit about next steps. At this point we're both fairly comfortable saying my eggs are out of the picture--unless our RE has some new information for us. So, we're trying to decide between donor eggs and donor embryos. Neither of these will likely happen for another year as we're making a huge move at the end of the summer and we want to settle into our new home and jobs first. I've been doing a lot of research on cost, guarantees, etc. and there is an overwhelming amount of information. I had thought for sure that Mr. F would want to pursue donor egg first. However, after talking to him more about costs, second children, etc. he seems to be leaning towards donor embryo. If anyone readers have done either or researched either, I would appreciate your advice and comments. Thanks again for all your support.

One Good Embryo

2011-11-22T16:21:00.000-10:00

That's the news I was greeted with at the REs office. One is better then none...but still disappointing when starting with so many. The CGH results were interesting. Only four of my embryos carried an unbalanced translocation. The others had various problems with other chromosomes. One thing we did learn is that my eggs are jacked. If this doesn't work we aren't going to do another cycle with my eggs. We will be moving straight to donor egg.
The embryo we transferred is of very high quality (exactly what it's graded I'm not sure). I was only told that it's an early stage blastocyst and that it looks beautiful. It's a girl. My first beta is on Tuesday.

Going Crazy....Waiting

2011-11-22T08:49:00.000-10:00

So far, so good....there's been no phone call. However, my REs office has only been open for 20 minutes and I doubt they would have jumped immediately to my file and results of my chromosome testing. Every time my phone vibrates (I have a blackberry and get a lot of email so it vibrates a lot) I'm sure that it is the phone call of doom to tell me there were no good embryos. Dang, and I've been so zen up to this point. I've asked for no information and received no information---other than the initial fertilization results. Send some good thoughts up for me ladies. Really hoping I get to transfer something.

Fert Report Results

2011-11-18T10:01:00.000-10:00

25 Eggs
21 Mature
19 Fertilized

Hooray! I have 19 embryos growing in the lab. I won't hear anything again from the clinic until Monday when they call to set up my transfer. I am able to call them if I want to check-in on the embryos but am thinking I don't want to do this. Too much stress worrying about the day to day results and what they mean. I'll either have embryos to transfer on Tuesday or I won't. Stressing about it all weekend isn't going to change the results. (I'm zen now but we will see how I'm feeling this weekend)!
Thanks for all your support thus far. It's been amazing.

They Got Some Eggs

2011-11-17T12:27:00.002-10:00

25 to be exact. We are thrilled and hoping for an amazing fert report tomorrow! I'm at home resting but feeling really good. Tomorrow can't get here fast enough.

Retrieval Scheduled

2011-11-15T14:44:00.000-10:00

It will be Thursday am. Still lots of follies today. The biggest was around 20 and most fell into the 17-18 range. E2 was 2100 yesterday--apparently gan.irelix is supposed to lower e2. I'm wondering if I should be nervous...
Onto trigger this evening. The nurse gave us a nice big mark to put the shot into. Can't believe that I'm finally here...dang it's been a long haul.

Trucking Along

2011-11-14T09:21:00.000-10:00

These follies are growing slow! My RE keeps telling me that its common with the protocol I'm on and that all my follies are close together which is awesome. I guess Gani.relix will slow the largest ones down. Apparently my ovaries are kicking this cycle, which was nice to hear. I've got 15 around 17-18 and 9 right behind at 15-16. I'm going for another appointment tomorrow to see where we are at. At the earliest retrieval will be Thursday but it's looking more likely that it will be Friday.

Wanted to send a congrats to my fellow BT'er Stinky who found out today that she had a healthy embryo to transfer and is now PUPO!

Milestone Passed

2011-11-12T09:35:00.000-10:00

I am actually going to get to retrieval! All went well today. I've got a lot of follicles....I'm not sure exactly how many because I was so excited seeing them all I forgot to ask. I think it was somewhere around 16 plus about 7 more measurable but smaller. So, we'll see. Either way RE said this is not a good or adequate stim but an excellent stim (from lil old me)! Apparently my body just did not like the suppression from the long l.uteal protocols. One more follie check appointment on Monday and it's looking like retrieval will be on Wednesday!

This may be the protocol for me!

2011-11-10T11:55:00.000-10:00

Today I had 13 follies between 10-11 and at least 6 right behind at 9. RE is much happier with my response this time and said we seem to have found the protocol that works for me. We still have retrieval scheduled for Tuesday (retrieval--can't believe I may actually get there) but it's more likely to get pushed to Wed or Thursday. Happy to have gotten this far and hoping the follies keep growing. Next appointment is Saturday.

After 4.5 days of stims

2011-11-08T10:01:00.000-10:00

I have 16 follicles in the running. They are all right around the same size 7-8. There may be more or there may be less--apparently it's difficult to tell when they are at this stage. Either way, it sounds like I'm at least at or above the results of my previous cycles. So, yay for that and may the follies continue to grow.

I also had blood drawn for my e2 levels. I'm not super concerned about them as I'm on gan.irelix this go round and from what I've read this can screw with e2 results. So far, so good.

One patch and a pregnancy test later..

2011-10-31T09:45:00.000-10:00

I started my estrog.en patches yesterday and will head in for a pregnancy test tomorrow (no doubt it will be a bfn). Then I head off to my first appt of this ivf cycle for ultrasound #1 and a shot of gan.irelix. Stims officially start on Friday with a retrieval happening in mid-November. Hoping that my ovaries do what they are supposed to do this time and that all of my resting follicles grow--rather then just a few. This is it for chances with our insurance so hoping for the best.

I'm Really Doing This Again

2011-10-21T09:37:00.000-10:00

I just got my new calendar. I promise blog followers that I will actually get to retrieval this cycle--even if my RE isn't happy with the number of eggs. After much back and forth, I decided to switch my insurance (this will allow for 1 more covered ivf). The new insurance kicks in January 1st, so this cycle all must be done before then. Mr. F wants us to have another shot with my eggs if this cycle doesn't work. After 2 tries--if they both fail--then he's ready to move onto to donor egg. It's good to have a plan--though this process has definitely taught me that any plan in re fertility needs to be flexible.
This cycle will be a bit different then the others. I will be starting Climara patches next weekend and Ganirelix/Stims a few days after. The hope is that my body will respond a bit better to this type of stimulation. We shall see I guess--I'm just crossing my fingers that I get at least the response I was receiving from my previous tries.

It's been awhile

2011-10-13T09:09:00.000-10:00

Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted. Mostly, because nothing is going on...I'm still just trucking a long waiting for the next ivf to start. I'm in the midst of my natural tracking cycle. I'm still a little unclear on how the next cycle is going to work. Apparently I'm doing late luteal phase---I used dr. g.oogle and didn't find much. Right now, the best guess is that I will go in for retrieval sometime in November.
Mr. F and I have been struggling over whether or not we want to switch insurance (so that we can give this another try if necessary). With co-pays & pgd it would probably cost us around $5k to do another cycle. This may sound strange--but I'm not really sure that I would want to spend the $5k on my eggs again. I'm leaning more towards just keeping the same insurance and if need be putting that $5k towards a donor egg cycle. Does that sound logical to anyone else? My open enrollment ends in a few weeks...so a decision needs to be made rather soon.

Getting Back on Track

2011-09-22T08:40:00.000-10:00

I'm finally starting to feel a bit like my old self again. I stepped back considerably from the ttc/infertility issues that are such a big part of my life. What that means is I've devoted less time to thinking about it and less time to blogging and participating in online communities. I've been doing a lot of soul searching.

I've mentioned before that I've gained quite a bit of weight--this is primarily after my BT was discovered and during the subsequent treatments. Even though I've known that it's not healthy and I need to lose it--a part of me has held back. One, I stress eat so eating has helped calm me. However, the perhaps bigger revelation is that I think I'm doing it on purpose. When trying to figure out why I was no longer getting pregnant, the thing that always came to mind was my weight. Really, it's the only thing that's changed in the last year. Plus, I'm just so frustrated with my body--it's not able to do what comes so easy to the majority of the population. So, I'm beginning to think that eating and generally not taking care of myself was part depression (obviously) and part getting back at myself/preventing myself from potentially getting pregnant again. I mean who really wants to get pregnant when the most likely outcome is a miscarriage. After all, I'm four for four now.

That's why I'm proud of myself now. I'm pulling myself out of my funk. I'm eating well--or should I say like I normally did before all this crap happened. I've lost some weight and I'm consistently working out. I'm starting to feel better and better about myself. Really, it's about time. While getting pregnant still scares me--really it's more the potential outcome that scares me--I want it to happen. I feel like I'm in a better space overall. I think my hope is back and I'm hoping I continue to hold onto it.

Delayed Again

2011-09-12T12:01:00.000-10:00

I feel like every post of mine for the couple of months has included the words delayed or cancelled. Because Mr. F and I have decided we are not going to let this rule our lives....we have been busy planning trips and vacations for the fall. Of course, ivf was supposed to be done twice by now so little did we know these trips would affect what is still our first shot at ivf. Sigh... Well, my body has decided not to cooperate and ovulate when it's supposed to and has now delayed the October cycle. We are looking at November now. I'm starting to feel like this just might not be in the cards for us. It's just been one thing after another. All I can think about is all these months we've wasted on treatments. Maybe, if we hadn't went this route, we would already be pregnant naturally. Instead I've been in a constant loop of various hormones and bcps. All of which have done nothing for me but make me gain so much weight I look like a small whale. I guess there's really nothing I can do at this point except wait. Wait for the next AF to start a new cycle tracking and then wait for the AF after that to hopefully start an ivf cycle in which my body will actually cooperate. Hopefully this will all be done before the holiday season so that my life can get back to some semblance of normal.

Onto Try #3

2011-09-01T11:04:00.000-10:00

I'm off for vacation for a few days and wanted to post quick before leaving. I've been terrible at commenting on your blogs--but I've been reading. I'm going to try to catch-up today.

Not much has changed in my world. I was a bit worried about the timing of ivf try #3 but it looks like it's all going to work out. I will hopefully ovulate while on vacation and will start my next ivf cycle in the middle of September if all goes well. In the meantime I'm on my constant diet and trying to lose some of this ivf/meds/infertility chub. I really, really hate dieting but it's definitely beyond the point of wanting to lose some weight and has headed into need to lose weight. Hope you're all well.

Cancellation #2

2011-08-18T11:27:00.000-10:00

It's almost enough to make me laugh...About 10-13 follies today. They were right on the cusp so my RE wasn't sure if I should trigger tomorrow or Saturday. So, she recruited the other RE to discuss. Long story short a discussion was had about cancelling this cycle and trying a new protocol (no more l.upron or b.cp). Apparently I have lots of follies but they just aren't recruiting. I guess this can be an issue for some people on the long protocol. So, after discovering that insurance will cover the meds (hallelujah), I talked a bit more with my RE and decided to put the brakes on and try this again. She doesn't think we'll do worse and obviously hopes that we will do better. So, once again I'm almost there....and then we stop. I have to go through one tracked natural cycle which will happen next month. The next step and stims are a bit more foggy. Mr. F is going out of town in October and it's looking like his vacation may correspond exactly with when the RE would need him to be here. So, we may be looking at November. We will see how it all plays out. Disappointed but not as much as last time. I want this to be the best possible stim as it may be our only.

And My Response Sucks...

2011-08-15T12:17:00.000-10:00

My E2 level yesterday after 3 days of stims was 410 which I didn't think was too bad (better than last time). The RE had me up my dosage though which worried me (I am now on the max my clinic allows). So, I was apprehensive to see what my follie response would be today. It's not good--it may even be worse than last time. I had 11 on the right (none bigger then 10 only 4 which she measured) and 5 on the left (only 2 which she measured). My lining is a dismal 4.3. Sigh....I'm so, so disappointed. There was no talk of cancel this time--probably because I've already used $5k in drugs. Of course, I'm stressed to the max though because few eggs=small chance of there being a normal one that develops correctly. I also don't understand how an antral follicle count as strong as mine can elicit such a crappy response. So down right now.

Here Come the Stims

2011-08-10T09:46:00.000-10:00

Had my cd 2 ultrasound and bloodwork and we're ready to go. 22 follicles today (11 on each side)--this is better than ivf #1 so I'm hoping this means good things. They have majorly increased my stim dosage. Last time I was on 175 F.ollistim and 75 M.enopur one time daily. Now I will be on 200 F.ollistim and 75 M.enopur 2x a day! They've more then doubled my dosage. I'm a bit nervous about this...but going to trust that they know what they're doing. Hoping I get a lot of eggs this time and somewhere in there are some good ones!

Cyst Be Gone...

2011-08-05T09:53:00.000-10:00

It is, hooray! Finally things are going right. I have 9 follicles on the right and 12 on the left. I stop my bcp tomorrow. As long as AF shows on time stims will start Thursday.

Ruptured Cyst

2011-08-01T11:37:00.000-10:00

I had my first appointment for IVF 1.5 today. Of course, there is a giant cyst on my right side. Apparently it is cloudly--indicating that it has ruptured and is going away. So, I was started on my favorite drug (haha) L.upron today. I will head back in on Friday to see if the cyst is gone and if I can stop bcp. The RE did not seem concerned but of course, I am. We are once again on a very tight schedule. I scheduled a visit to see my sister's new baby when I had thought that ivf would be complete in July. So, if the cyst is still there then we may be delayed yet another month and I may have started L.upron for no reason. Sigh..

Cycle 1.5 (or something like that)

2011-07-26T14:54:00.000-10:00

Is starting today! Well, kind of. BCPs are starting today. Lupron will start next week and stims on August 11th. I'm excited but really nervous about version 1.5 turning out like version 1.0. In other fabulous news I get to use the RE I actually like (the one I don't will be out the entire time)! Hope this bodes well for things to come.

Then there were 8....

2011-07-14T14:23:00.000-10:00

But still no IUI and I am clearly now the problem patient. Sigh. I got the trigger shot and am to call back with my next af. I'll then do another baseline ultrasound to see if (or how many) cysts I have from this go round. I really wish this RE didn't have my money so I could break up with him.

Cancelled.

2011-07-11T11:19:00.000-10:00

Sigh..Between 12-14 follicles ready to go (some over ready to go). My left side still isn't doing crap. So, the RE cancelled. He wants a better response. The IUI is a no go--because I have too many follicles. I argued, it got me nowhere. I'm going in for the hcg shot on Thursday to get rid of all of these. Then waiting for AF. Then back on the pill. Potential new retrieval at the end of August, though this may not work with my schedule. So, maybe September. Sad, disappointed and frustrated.

Our Plan

2011-07-09T07:51:00.000-10:00

Thanks so much for all of your advice yesterday. It was greatly appreciated. A common theme seemed to be that we should just go with our gut and do what we think we can live with...so that's what we're going to do. Last night Mr. F and I decided that "we will" be converting this cycle to an IUI if necessary---unless there is some medical reason why we shouldn't proceed. Just "not wanting to get me pregnant" is not enough of a reason for us. Yes, I have crappy eggs....but I also went thru multiple IUI cycles at this same clinic before proceeding to ivf. Nothing has changed since then. Since a new ivf cycle wouldn't fit into our schedule until October it seems reasonable not to waste the eggs I've made and give it a shot. Plenty of ladies with BTs hit the genetic lottery and maybe I can be one of them. Of course, we also decided that we are going to nail them down on will or won't insurance cover this. Insurance has had no problem covering my IUI/injectible cycles before (they have no cap). So, I'm not sure why this time would be different. I think my RE just isn't very familiar with insurance and coverage--that is left to the business people. I'm feeling a bit better now. Of course, I'm hoping the above is moot and I'll get to my appointment on Monday and my left ovary will have decided to get in the game. For those that asked, yes my meds have been increased. I started at 175iu F.ollistim/75 M.enopur and I'm now at 300iu F.ollistim and 75iu M.enopur. Apparently those are some pretty hefty doses for someone my age and with my antral follicle count. Which then makes me wonder if maybe I was oversurpressed?

Cancel or Not? Need advice.

2011-07-08T09:43:00.000-10:00

Really needing some advice from any ivf "in the know" folks. I had my first ultrasound today (I've done stims 4 days now) and we saw 9 follicles on the right (about 4 measurable and all under 12) and 7 on the left (only 2 measurable and both under 10). Apparently, this isn't a great response so I got the dreaded cancellation talk. My RE wouldn't tell me one way or another whether or not I should cancel. Apparently he believes I will get about 16 follicles at this point...he would prefer 18-20. They were so worried about me hyperstimming that they used too low of a starting dose---this is the only thing he would do differently the second go round. Obviously I'm ticked....and depressed. I've seen ladies with my antral follicle count get 25-30+ eggs on the interwebs so it's depressing that I'm looking at 16. If I had normal chromosomes, I'd be ecstatic...not so much with my crappy eggs.

I currently have $2500 of meds in possession (and have used a lot of them). The RE said if we cancelled insurance may cover them--but that was a very unlikely may. So, if we cancel I now have to pay them $2500 for meds plus $2000 for a new cycle and then get to start this crap all over again. I know for those of you that don't have insurance that this seems like very little to pay--but my dilemma this entire time has been donor eggs abroad vs. ivf with my own eggs. We decided to do ivf with my own eggs first because we could process so inexpensively. With the extra $2500 tacked in this cuts into our donor egg budget (back-up if this doesn't work). Our new cycle wouldn't start until October. As far as converting the current cycle to an IUI--the RE is against it. We don't want to get me pregnant with my crappy eggs. So, this would all be a waste of time, money, etc. Right now (since I'm already paying for the meds) we've decided to keep stimming until Monday and then go back and see if there is any progress. Beyond that, I'm just at loss for what to do...any advice would be greatly appreciated.

First E2 level

2011-07-07T13:02:00.000-10:00

They told me it's on the low side (ahhh!). It's 284--off to furiously search google. I'm upping my f.ollistim dose to 300iu and Menopur is staying at 75iu this evening. Really hoping this doesn't mean the cycle is doomed.

Cd3..Starting Stims

2011-07-04T13:13:00.000-10:00

Stims start for me this evening. I will be using F.ollistim 175iu and M.enopur 75iu. I've bumped my L.upron dosage down to 5iu. I'm also going to be starting an antibiotic tomorrow and d.examethasone. I'm going to be taking 5 different medications at once--which is a bit scary. I had a really quick baseline ultrasound today and they eyeballed about 17 follicles. I'm hoping that number will increase as stims increase. My next appointment is Thursday and I'll update you all again then. Below is a picture of the meds currently in my possession. I'll get more--including pio--when needed.

Almost There....

2011-07-02T14:53:00.000-10:00

Stims start on Monday. I go in tomorrow for my first blood draw. Ivf is currently underway. I've been trying to do a bit of research into common stim dosages for ivf cycles. Mine seems really low to me. I'll be on 175iu F.ollistim and 75iu M.enopur for the first 4 days and then I'll have another blood test. It's really important that I get a lot of eggs so that hopefully at least one (please more than that) will get thru cgh and come back normal. I'm interested to see what the rest of you think about the dosage level and/or what dosages you were on.

In non ivf related news, my sister had her baby. I am an aunt again. I get to go home in a few months to visit and see the baby. It'll be hard but I'm happy for her and excited to be an aunt. Also, happy to say that my headaches have been getting better. Apparently my body is getting used to the L.upron. My legs, however, are not happy with the cluster of bruises that have sprung up on them. I must not be a very good shot giver!

Headaches and Hope

2011-06-27T11:30:00.000-10:00

Wow....these headaches are horrible. I've suffered from them my whole life so I'm quite used to the intermittent weekly headache. These are different though and last all day every day. My RE office doesn't want me to take any other medication other than that which I'm currently on. So, I've been suffering. The only thing that seems to help is sleep--which I've also really been wanting to do a lot of. I think it's a combination of the medication and remnants of jet lag. My next RE appt is Wednesday. I'm hoping they will bend a bit and let me take something to help ease the head strain.

In more positive news, I just found out today that my co-worker and his wife are pregnant. Normally, I wouldn't be as excited about this news. However, they have worked long and hard for this baby. They went through years of fertility treatments and nothing worked. They had resigned themselves to the possibility that they would remain childless. They have been trying for 15 years and are both in their mid forties and have never seen a positive pregnancy test. She is now twelve weeks along. Stories like these give me hope and I'm thrilled for them.

First Shot Down

2011-06-24T07:28:00.000-10:00

The shots have officially started. I gave myself my first dose of L.upron this morning. Yesterday we got our final calendar and went over consents, meds training, etc. It seems as if I'll be getting my meds as needed--which I am a bit sad about because I wanted to take a picture of all the loot. I also got verification that we will be doing a fresh 5 day transfer. We're doing the cgh testing on day three. So, far I have no side effects from L.upron (but it's only been a few hours and I'm on my first dose). I've read horror stories on other ladies blogs but I'm really hoping that I'm one of the lucky ones that it doesn't affect much. I go for my next appointment next week--when I will have my baseline ultrasound and our cycle really be underway.

I'm Back..IVF/CGH Prep Underway

2011-06-20T22:33:00.001-10:00

I'm back from my holiday and I had a wonderful time! I'm looking forward to relaxing for a few more days, catching up on sleep, and catching up on all of your blogs before returning to work.

Our first (and hopefully only) IVF cycle is currently underway. I'm on day 7 or so of bcp and have my first appt/prep for Lupron appointment on Thursday. Looking forward to it but also extremely nervous. Retrieval is currently scheduled for July 15th and it will be interesting to see if my body sticks to that schedule or not. I believe I start Lupron this weekend--I have to drag out my ivf calendar again. If anyone who has been through ivf has any words of wisdom, I'm all ears.

Award and IVF update

2011-05-31T07:58:00.000-10:00

First, I've received a blog award from Hopeful1 at Our Twisty Tourney Journey! Thanks!

Here are the rules for being awarded The Versatile Blogger Award:
1. Thank and link to the person who nominated you.
2. Share seven random facts about yourself.
3. Pass the award along to 7 new-found blogging buddies.
4. Contact the winners to congratulate them.

7 random facts.....

1. I'm scared of the dark. I can deal with it--but I don't like it.

2. I was the lead singer in a band in college and I still love singing.

3. I once had a pet rat.

4. I have a younger sister and brother.

5. I've been playing the piano for 20+ years.

6. My favorite color is fuschia.

7. I grew up in a town with less than 500 people. I now live in a city with more than a million.

Now I am to give this award to 7 people

1. Just a Girl at My Infertility Road

2. BrokenBirdsBees at The Broken Birds & Bees

3. Stinky at Beyond the Wallpaper

4. Lil Frenchie at An Empty French Womb

5. Lavonne at Our Wish

6. LisaSk at Wanted: One Good Embryo

7. BrownIris at The (In) fertility Diaries

Now for my IVF update. We are actually going to be starting...soon! I'll start bcp's while we are on our vacation. As long as AF comes on time then we're all set to start lupron within days of returning from our trip. So, crossing fingers that all goes well and tying up some last strings before taking off next week.

A Little Progress

2011-05-25T07:47:00.000-10:00

And may I say--it's very little. I headed off to the REs office for cd1 last week. They needed a pre-ivf ultrasound scan--which doesn't make much sense to me but whatever. While I was there we discussed getting me a calendar. The RE wanted me to start bcp now for a July cycle. I said no. I've read of people being over suppressed by being on bcp too long. So, we agreed I would start them with my June cycle. We then discussed timing. My only constraint has been that we start after July 1st because my health spending plan renews then. The office has known this for a couple months. Apparently they failed to tell me that the lab would be closed at the end of July/early August and that the RE would be on vacation the second week of August. So now due to my (funny, right?) time constraints it is looking unlikely that the ivf cycle will happen in July. They want to push it to August--which is horrible timing for me. I work in education so August is one of my busiest most stressful months at school. Sigh... So, September? They are still looking at my calendar and are supposed to get back to me sometime soon--hopefully before I leave for vacation. Meanwhile, the insurance issues still aren't worked out. No one is able to give me an accurate reflection of how much I will have to pay for this (including the insurance company). Insurance (while amazing) is just so frustrating. I have to call them back today to discuss.

Other than the above, I'm trying to plan for our vacation. It will be really great to get away for a few weeks. Of course, I always worry about our dogs--we have a housesitter coming to take care of them. But, this vacation is greatly needed. I've also been doing really well on my diet/exercise plan. The only positive to ivf getting pushed back is that I'll have more time to get in shape.

Hysteroscopy Report

2011-05-10T14:45:00.000-10:00

So, I had my post-op appointment today. Basically, I'm right back to where I was before the hysteroscopy. They found a little bit of weird tissue and removed it. It was polypoid in nature (or something like that). However, they don't believe that this would have had any affect on my getting or in my case--not getting--pregnant. Sigh..Nor do they have any idea as to why I would get pregnant three times in one year and then not get pregnant at all the following year. I'm really not sure where to go from here. I was hoping that this surgery would provide us with a reason.

Does anyone have any information on weight and ability to conceive? That's the only thing I can think of...as discussed here before multiple miscarriages, fertility meds, etc have caused me to pack on probably 30 pounds. I'm still within my bmi range and everything else blood pressure, etc is perfect. It's just the only other thing that's different. This weight should be easy to lose but I just have no motivation. I think its a combination of feeling sorry for myself and being pissed off at my body for betraying me. I need to do it though. I'll kick myself if I don't do everything possible to make sure ivf is successful. If only I didn't love food so much.

I also still have no idea what is going on with ivf/pgd. I am to call them next week when af arrives. They hope to have more information for me then. It is apparently extremely complicated when dealing with my insurance and pgd. I'm hoping by next week at this time we will have a concrete plan in place (a girl can dream, right).

Finally, I survived my sister's baby shower (made easier by the fact that I didn't have to physically be there). It went well and she got a lot of great presents. She's happy--so that's a great feeling.

Hysteroscopy Complete and Blogger Award

2011-04-27T08:14:00.002-10:00

My hysteroscopy yesterday went well. I was in and out pretty quickly and had minimal pain. I have, however, had more then the "spotting" they indicated may happen. It was more like a light af yesterday but seems to be tapering off today. I've not yet heard what the results of this procedure were. I have a follow-up appointment at my REs office in two weeks and apparently that is when I will hear how the procedure went. Because I am a genetic mutant, I did overhear the nurses saying they removed some polyps. They assumed I would still be out but I processed the meds extremely quickly I guess. I heard comments from all 3 nurses that they've never had anyone so alert, ready to walk, etc immediately after surgery. Apparently I was the fastest discharge they've ever had. So, yeah--possibly polyp removal. It really wouldn't surprise me and would make me feel validated in pushing for this surgery. They can definitely cause implantation problems.

I also found out a bit more about financing for ivf/cgh this summer. The clinic is still unable to tell me exactly how much I will need to pay. As I mention earlier, I am the guinea pig for insurance coverage of cgh at my office. So, they aren't sure how to bill, how much to bill, etc. Earlier I was told that I would pay no more out of pocket then $2k for ivf/cgh. Who knows now...If it gets over the $5k range Mr. F and I are going to seriously discuss whether we want to go forward or go straight to ivf with donor egg. It's about $10k in the czech republic and the success rates are a lot higher then they are with my eggs.

Now, onto my blog award. Jo at Love That Moves the Stars awarded me with a stylish blogger award.The Rules are:

1. Link back to the person who gave you the award
2. Tell 7 things about yourself
3. Award other bloggers - The Stylish Blogger Award is to be awarded to 10 - 15 people.
4. Notify winners

I'm going to give this to:

Articia Diary of a Mad Infertile Woman (Please also send her your love and support as she is in the midst of a miscarriage)
LisainSk Wanted One Good Embryo

Manny The Journey Continues

Stinky Beyond the Wallpaper

BrownIris The (In) Fertility Diaries

AP My Dusty Uterus

Shannon Chasing Rainbows

Adele Delinquent Eggs

Frenchie An Empty French Womb

Mary Hoping For A Miracle

Seven things About Myself

1) I own two dogs. We love them to pieces and treat them like babies.

2) I have terrible eyesight. It's like -13 (to those of you in the know).

3) I have two post bachelors degrees and am currently working on my third. Yes, I like school--a lot.

4) Yesterday was the first time I've had surgery. (Besides removing my wisdom teeth which apparently doesn't count)

5) I like running, soccer, and surfing.

6) I read, a lot. I tried to keep track this past year how many books I had read. I went about 9 months and had over 150 books on the list.

7) I am a huge foodie--probably a lot of the reason I need to lose weight! Mr. F and I like to frequent restaurants that are considered "worlds best". I'm not a food snob though. I enjoy the simple things like hamburgers, pasta, etc as well.

Happy ICLW!

2011-04-21T07:39:00.000-10:00

It snuck up on me this month. Welcome to all of you from ICLW. My ttc history is on the left. It's not a very pretty story. We will be heading towards ivf/cgh this July after several unsuccessful IUIs. This month it's officially been one year since my last miscarriage---and I've not had one confirmed pregnancy since then. So, next week I will be having a hysteroscopy to make sure there's not something that's causing any problems. If anyone has any advice/stories to share about the procedure, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Other than that, I've been married for almost 9 years. We have two dogs that are our children. I love reading, soccer, and running--though I need to do more of the last two to burn off all this unable to have a child related weight game. Looking forward to meeting more of you.

Interesting Week(s)

2011-04-12T07:30:00.000-10:00

So, in order to proceed with IVF I had to have an up to date yearly exam. So, I made the appt and trudged off to the doctor. (I had been consciously putting this off--I think because I'd already had enough poking and prodding there). While there my doctor found lumps on both of my breasts. So, I've spent this last few weeks worried about the outcome. I'm happy to report that the lumps are nothing--just my normal tissue. I wasn't really worried at all, at first. I have no family history, I'm young, and I don't have any other risk factors. Could it happen, sure...but for some reason I was calm. That was, until the few family and friends I told did their best to assure me that it would be nothing. They all used the phrase "the odds, statistics, etc". It was after their reassurances that I started to be concerned. I've had really, really crappy odds this last few years. I found out I'm a genetic mutant in two ways (bt and a rare heart issue). I also am on the wrong side of miscarriage statistics. Finally, however, I seem to be on the right side. I'm hoping this is a turning point.

While the above was going on, I also had my phone appt with the genetics lab. Everything is looking great. We will be using cgh and will be looking at all the chromosomes (not just for my bt). I don't have to have a probe built so they are ready to go. It's amazing how much technology has improved in just a few short years. I also found out that they've found for bt carriers that about 20% of embryos are normal. So, now I just have to hope that my RE is able to get a lot of embryos out of me. I'm still working out all the financial details but I'm just crossing my fingers that everything is going to fall smoothly into place.

In the meantime, I'm busy planning our trip and trying to keep my mind off of words like ovulation, dpo, etc. If it happens, it happens. If not, we've got ivf to look forward to.

Progress

2011-03-31T07:41:00.000-10:00

So, we're getting there. We've nailed down July as our official IVF start date. Our RE should be calling us sometime soon to set up a calendar. They've also been in contact with the pgd lab. Though, it seems like we will actually being doing cgh. I think they are still trying to determine what exactly will be the best method to deal with our bt. I'm excited, nervous, fearful--pretty much every emotion. Of course I really want this to work but am so scared that it won't. On my worst days I think I should just say screw my eggs and go straight to donor egg. Then I talk myself out of it and decide it's really worth trying with my own eggs.

There's been a lot of stuff going on lately with friends and family and some of it has been really bothering me. I've had to listen to my sister complaining about her baby shower--she's upset that people aren't getting her things off her registry (or expensive enough things). It's really hard for me to bite my tongue during these conversations. I had a friend who was pregnant (accidentally of course). She chose to terminate and told me afterwards. So, I've been helping her through that. The b.itchy part of me thinking--wtf world is everybody going to pregnant except me. There's more but I don't share it on my blog, yet.

Back to ttc news, my hysteroscopy is going to be next month. It got delayed as there were scheduling difficulties. I'm not sure what I want the outcome to be. If they find something it'll make me feel like the last 12 months make sense. If not, then I'll worry something else is wrong. Most of the time I wish I had the ability to see into the future (maybe only for ttc events). I never know if I'm making the right decisions.

Au Naturale

2011-03-19T09:15:00.002-10:00

My first natural cycle in a long time has been going great. I ovulated on day 14 (a first for me as I'm usually only able to do this on drugs). I'm now patiently waiting until test day. I can't help but hope that I'll get a bfp this cycle. There are so many stories of ladies doing cycle after cycle with REs/drugs and no results. Then, when taking a break their body does exactly what it's supposed to do and they go on to have a child. Wouldn't that be an awesome story?

In other news, I'm busy planning our trip to Asia. It's generally keeping my mind of ttc and that's a good thing. We are planning to go to both Malaysia and Thailand. I've not been to either so I'm pretty excited about checking out some new places--though a bit worried about the language barrier.

I've also sent out all the invitations for my sister's shower. I'm pretty much done with my responsibilities now and my mother is taking over from here. I'm glad I was able to do this for her even though it was emotionally pretty difficult. I'm not sure when we will get back to see her and the baby (she's due this summer). I'm sure that will be hard as well but for some reason my heart hasn't been as heavy lately. I think it's because I know that this will eventually work out for us. Someday we will have whatever child we were meant to have.

Still Here

2011-03-11T10:40:00.000-10:00

I haven't heard anything from my REs office yet. Have to say that I expected this. I thought about calling but decided against it. I will go in for surgery next month and I'll ask then. If they haven't spoke to the genetics lab yet then I'm telling them we are waiting until July. This is for a couple of reasons. First, we are going on vacation to Asia in June and I'd prefer (when this works) not to be only a few weeks along at this point. Second, my health savings account plan starts over on july 1. So, I could use pre-tax dollars to pay my insurance co-pays. I'll let you all know soon what I find out.

I went to accup. yesterday and apparently there is a huge change in my pulses. We're speculating that this is because my body is currently drug free. I also ovulated either yesterday or today (according to cb.efm) on cd 14 or 15. This is a huge improvement for me as previously I was ovulating around cd 23. I'm excited to see what if any changes will be made to my luteal phase this cycle.

Other than that, life goes on. The break from drs appointments has been wonderful and I'm happy to not have to try to fit drs appointments around work and life.

Potentially, Possibly More Confused

2011-03-01T15:27:00.000-10:00

I think I am becoming “that” patient. You know, the one that second guesses the doctor and asks all sorts of “annoying” questions.

I had my consult today. It wasn’t with my preferred RE but instead with her partner. He spent about 30 minutes explaining IVF to me. Luckily, because of the many blogs I’ve read, I already had an idea what the process would entail. It sounds like we will be doing the long protocol and shooting for about 20 eggs. Apparently, this is a plausible number based on my previous response to injectibles and the number of resting follicles I have. We will then probably use ICSI to fertilize the embryos and send them away for pgd. I was told that he estimates a 50% likelihood that this will work for us (not sure how this number was estimated).

I am being scheduled for a hysteroscopy next month. If anyone has any words of advice, again they would be appreciated. I expressed concerns about my lining (it was 14.7 at last IUI). I was told it’s okay because my lining goes way back down at the beginning of my cycle. However, I also indicated that I haven’t got a bfp since last May. Before shelling out money, time, and energy for IVF I want to make sure nothing else is going on. So, the doctor said a hysteroscopy would be a good way to do this.

In the meantime, supposedly they are speaking to two different pgd labs to determine what is the best route for our situation is. Apparently, we will then begin the process of building the pgd probe. Once the probe is complete, I will be called in to start bcp and will stay on this for 10-14 days. I’m still a bit fuzzy on when I will be hearing about the probe and have my consultation with the genetics lab. If I haven’t heard anything by next week I am going to call and bother them again. It will likely take 2-3 months for the probe to be complete. In the meantime, I will be on no drugs. I’ll be completing my annual exam (yippee) and completing the hysteroscopy. As long as both of those are clear as soon as the probe is ready, we will be in business.

So, we’re looking at around May-June. I’m guessing it’s probably going to end up being July. Mr. F and I are planning a trip to Asia in June and I don’t imagine that ivf will fit well into this. I guess we’ll play it by ear and see how long the pgd lab takes. I’m really, really looking forward to the months of from monitoring and drugs. Of course, in the back of mind, I’m hoping that I’ll get that miracle natural bfp so many ladies have been getting. However, even if I don’t, I think it will be good for myself and Mr. F to get a little break.

There also seems to be a bit of confusion between the insurance company and my REs office. No one seems to be able to really tell me how much this is going to cost. I have a $1200 out of pocket maximum. So, this would seem to mean that I would pay no more than $1200. However, my REs office asks for $2k up front and then provided a host of other charges. I asked if I would then get reimbursed and I think they were really confused. Insurance company says yes, I will pay no more than $1200. So, I’m going to pretend this will work out in our favor and hold onto that $1200 like a life preserver. Either way, I know that we are getting a huge bargain. We would never move forward with this if we had to pay $20k. So, that’s it for now. We’ll see where this leads us.

Consult Tomorrow

2011-02-28T11:52:00.002-10:00

So, my consultation is tomorrow. Thanks so much for your questions and suggestions. I made a list and I will be speaking to my RE about each of them. I also wanted to provide some information for those of you asking questions about PGD and my clinic.

PGD has been found to be useful for translocation carriers. It is one of the recommended course of treatments. It has been very successful for some and extremely unsuccessful for others. As a course of treatment for my BT, I’ve been told donor eggs, continue trying naturally (and withstand the miscarriages) or ivf/pgd. I’ve been trying superovulation in the hopes that a good egg would fertilize and implant. However, I’ve had no success.

My insurance will only cover ivf/pgd if I use specific doctors and stay in network. My geographic location and insurance coverage really preclude us from going anywhere else right now. I’ve looked up the SART rates for clinics in network and IVF success rates hover around 40%. At my particular clinic I am the only patient with a BT (honestly wouldn’t doubt if I’m the only one in the area). The clinic I am at has used pgd only 1-2x before. The SART rates seem to reflect even less usage at other clinics in network.

So, that being said, I feel like I’m forging this path all by myself. I’ve went back and forth between using PGD or instead pursuing an aggressive transfer (meaning 5+ embryos). I’ve seen both methods work for BT carriers. One woman implanted 9 untested embryos and ended up with twins. Most other aggressive transfers either failed or ended up with singleton pregnancies.

I have a lot of questions that I don’t think will be answered at my consultation. I know from reading others experiences that a probe will need to be built. My understanding is this can take up to 12 weeks. In the meantime, I’m not sure what my RE will want to do. However, I’m leaning toward drug free (including bcps) for the 2-3 months it takes to build the probe. I’d like to give my body time to be hormone free, continuing losing the weight that’s crept on, and just generally take care of myself. We will continue ttc those 2 months with the assumption it’s probably not going to work but worth a shot.

I’m also interested to see how this will affect cycling. I imagine most people who go in for a consult and ready to start the process. I feel like I’m a long way off still. So, not sure how helpful this consultation is really going to be. I often feel like all I do is sit and wait; for tests, a new cycle, impending miscarriage, etc. Unfortunately I am not a patient person.

Of course, I’ll let you all know how it goes tomorrow. Hopefully I come away with fewer questions instead of more.

IVF It is, I think..

2011-02-25T19:32:00.000-10:00

So, AF arrived today--even through the progesterone. Clearly this cycle was a bust even with the faint bfp internet cheapies. I called my clinic and set up an IVF consultation appointment for Tuesday. I asked for the appointment to be a combo questions for my RE/IVF appointment. I want to make sure that this is where the RE thinks we should go next. I wouldn't be surprised if she said to try one more IUI cycle.
I've been trying to think of questions to ask at the appointment. So, if anyone has anything they wish they would have asked or think is really important to ask, please let me know. So far, I want to make sure that going forward doesn't preclude us from moving backwards if the IVF fails. My insurance will only cover 1x IVF and then I'll have to switch providers to get coverage 1 more time. In the meantime, I want to make sure that I can go back to IUIs if I want to. I also want to ask if there is any possibility that I could have scar tissue, etc that is preventing implantation. I had a HSG months ago and it came back normal. However, Dr. Google tells me that an HSG doesn't pick up all abnormalities. Some REs have their patients do laps before IVF and I want to get my REs point of view on this. Anything else? Thanks so much everyone for your words of advice and support thus far. It is greatly appreciated!

12dpiui and IVF/PGD

2011-02-24T07:50:00.000-10:00

Well, I took a FRER this morning and it was starkly negative. The ic has the same faint line as yesterday. Not sure what to think. Normally this is the point where I would stop progesterone and let AF come. I decided, however, to give it one more day. If I get another faint line tomorrow I'm not taking any more progesterone. Sigh.

I'm starting to worry that there is something wrong with me besides the bt. The first year we were ttc I managed to get pregnant 3 times unassisted. This year I have got pregnant 0 times and this is with assistance. It seems strange to me that with the extra eggs, progesterone, and perfect timing nothing is sticking. Even if it only lasted a week--I could at least feel like something was happening.

Now the question is where do we go from here. Before I thought, I'll try this one more time. Now, I'm not so sure. We have awesome insurance. Even so, with co-pays and sperm washes we've spent $1500 on 5 iui's. Each of which has proved to be a big failure. I'm approved for IVF and PGD. For ladies without bt's--this is by no means a slam dunk for those of us with them. There are many, many stories of 20 plus fertilized eggs and not a single 1 that isn't affected with some chromosomal problem. Like I said, I have awesome insurance (which I am extremely grateful for) and IVF/PGD would cost us around $1200. We've got the money but I'm still hesitant. I'm not sure why..maybe fear or the thought of getting 0 good eggs. I'm leaning more towards going for it..Screw doing another IUI and bring out the big guns. Mr F and I will be moving sometime in the near future and more then likely this is the only time/place where we will be willing to do pgd. If we're going to spend big money it's going to be on a DE cycle--the odds are just much better there. So, what do you all think? Does anyone have any words of advice for me? They would be much, much appreciated.

11 dpiui

2011-02-23T09:53:00.000-10:00

Yes, I tested. Is it positive? Who would know--it seems to be the story of my testing after IUIs. This time, I tested the trigger out of my system on internet cheapies. Mostly, because I was sick of seeing super, super faint lines around this time and wondering trigger or chemical. There was no line yesterday, the test was completely blank. Today, a super, super faint line. I will post it so you can all see (or more then likely not see) what I am talking about. I hope you greatly appreciate that it is sitting on a TP roll--it's dry though I swear.

I'm not really feeling it though. I've been cramping since yesterday. Usually AF would be here today but due to the progesterone it is being held off. I have a horrible headache--also an AF symptom and my skin went haywire seemingly overnight. All signs point to AF. So, why IC must you torture me this way? Does this mean that I've been having chemical pregnancy after chemical pregnancy after IUI? It just seems so weird to me that the line would be gone yesterday and then come back (albeit lightly) to haunt me.

ICLW

2011-02-20T13:43:00.001-10:00

Welcome! I feel like I was just doing this--the month has flown by. A post about our journey can be found below.

I'm currently 8dpiui. Have been testing out trigger this cycle--it's still there though extremely, extremely faint. Will test for real on Wed. Crossing my fingers this is our cycle. Looking forward to getting to know all of you!

Slow Week

2011-02-17T19:17:00.000-10:00

It's been a pretty boring and slow week here so far. I've been slogging away planning my sisters shower. I've picked out the invitations--now just have to get them printed. I'm also looking at ideas for favors and party games. As time goes on, it seems to be getting easier to think about her baby. Maybe I just have more optimism now then I did before--or the shock has worn off a bit. I keep thinking someday soon it will be my turn and that seems to make it a bit more bearable.

To completely change subjects, I wonder if any of you have used crinone before? I've had cramping since my IUI and extreme bb pain. I'm not sure if it's because I released more eggs this time or if it's because of the crinone. Generally, I try to keep an eye on symptoms from cycle to cycle so that I remember it's normal if x happens at 5dpiui and it doesn't mean anything. I've always used the suppositories before though, so this is a new drug for me.

I've also been thinking a lot about IVF and when it will be time to "go there". I think I want to try one more good (meaning 4+ eggs) IUI cycle before moving on. So, we're getting ever closer to going with IVF. I've already started checking out the blog entries of ivf experiences to get an idea of what I'm gearing up for. It doesn't look fun or easy. I've got another week before I see if this IUI worked. Crossing my fingers.

Blog Commenting Fixed

2011-02-13T10:59:00.000-10:00

Thanks to We Have Angel Wings for letting me know my commenting was broken. That's annoying! It should be fixed now, fingers crossed.

IUI #5

2011-02-12T12:12:00.002-10:00

Is all over. We did well this cycle. At least 4 eggs and possibly up to 6; great sperm counts 70 million and 35 million. Now, I wait once again.

I can't say I'm feeling overly optimistic this cycle. It seems like everything aligned correctly but with four failed cycles under my belt--let's just say I'm not thinking this is going to be the magical cycle. Besides the 2ww hanging over my head, I've really not got a lot else going on. School is kicking my butt but that's normal. Otherwise, living a pretty stress free existence.

Still going to accu every week. It continues to be a super relaxing event and I look forward to it each week. I've also started running again. Not running hasn't helped me get or keep a pregnancy, so I'm thinking I'm going to revert back to how I was when we were getting pregnant easily. I'm going to run, eat well, and continue to focus on myself. So far I've managed to lose 20 pounds of gained drug, pity, and miscarriage weight. I still have about 30 to go before I'm happy with myself. One day at a time.

Silence

2011-02-05T07:46:00.000-10:00

I've been quiet here lately, mostly because I don't have a lot to say. We didn't get a real bfp after IUI #4 and I was certain I'd have a cyst when I went in on cd3. Mr F and I had already decided that if a cyst was seen we were taking a break. So, I was really pretty shocked when there were only resting follicles. My RE convinced me that we should give it at least one more shot. She didn't want to count last cycle because of the one egg outcome. So, here I sit. Back in the throes of IUI cycle #5.

I'm still going to acupuncture which I come to love more and more each visit. It is so relaxing and really seems to help keep my stress levels low. It is a part of each week that I look forward to. I'm also steadily working on losing the weight that I gained from these miscarriages, drugs, pity eating, etc. I've been exercising several times a week and watching what I eat. I'm doing really well so far and am really proud of myself.

My sister found out that she is having a girl. Her husband is a bit upset because he wanted a boy. I may not have told you all but I've been told I'm throwing a shower for her. This should be interesting. I can't attend--because I live across the country, but I'm in charge of all of the baby themed logistics. Can't wait.

I Hate This Part.

2011-01-28T07:52:00.000-10:00

Because I enjoy torturing myself I poas yesterday and today. That would be 9dpo (11 past trigger) and 10dpo (12 past trigger). I got faint, faint lines on my internet cheapies each time. I'm beginning to hate internet cheapies. While they are nice because they are cheap, they seem to everything month give me a faint line right until AF shows up. I can't decide if this is 1) because I'm having chemical pregnancy after chemical pregnancy and my eggs are just that bad or 2) if they are evaps.

I know it's early and most people don't get bfp's now but I've tended to get positives around 11 dpo. So, I'm going to wait until tomorrow, test again and then call it. I really hate the in between. I just want to know yes or no and move on. I want to stop taking these gross progesterone suppositories.

It has been a long time since I've been pregnant. Every month I think this one has to be it and everything month I get the same thing, AF. I'm starting to think there might be something else wrong with me. In the past it has taken us 2-3 months to get pregnant. This will be cycle 6 without a positive. It's frustrating to know that numbers wise I need as many pregnancies as possible to catch a good egg and then not be able to do that any more.

I've been debating back and forth in my head what I'm going to do if I go in next week and have another cyst. I think I've decided we'll be taking a month off from all of this. Clearly it's not working anyways and I really don't want to go back on bcp for two weeks to try to shrink a cyst again. Sigh. Just feeling kinda down today.

How do You get Rid of Stress?

2011-01-25T08:18:00.000-10:00

One of my promises to myself this year is that I would work really hard to be less stressed out. Apparently being type A adds all sorts of stress to your life. So far, I've been doing rather well. I've been to weekly acupuncture appointments, used aromatherapy, am trying to get regular exercise (including yoga), and am eating healthier.

Then this week happened. The week from h.ell. It's the first week of school so I'm back in class (I also have a full-time job). I'm slammed at work and not sure I'll ever dig myself out of the pile of work I have. Slowly, slowly I've felt the tension creeping back into my neck and shoulders. I've had no shortage of people tell me "if you'd only relax" in regards to our pregnancy troubles. I'm trying to heed their advice. Not because I think it will work and that it's the cure all to all of our genetic problems. Instead, more because I know that constantly being stressed isn't good for more overall health. So, dear readers do any of you have any go to solutions? Do I just stop caring so much about doing my best at my job, and at school, and at home (easier said then done). Do I leave the housework completely to Mr. F (I wish)! If you've got any ideas my stressed out body would love to hear them.

PS--Even though I am a POASaholic I am happy to report I haven't even considered it yet. I'm trying to hold out until Saturday.

About our Journey

2011-01-22T07:16:00.000-10:00

Currently I'm in 2ww limbo. As you can see from the sidebar I've been pregnant at least four times, none of which ended well.

Mr F. and I got married young (I was 22). We lived in a small town (no longer thank goodness) and had a couple friends who were also married and had children. It was at their encouragement that we decided to try for one of our own. I was lucky and got pregnant right away. However, around 7-8 weeks I went to the ER because I was bleeding a lot. I was really naive in that point of my life and thought everything was going to be ok. When I found out I was miscarrying, I was devastated. The ER dr put me on 3 months of birth control and told me when I finished them we could start trying again. After those 3 months, Mr F and I both decided we wanted to wait. I think mostly because we were scared and still hurting. This decision was definitely the best for us at the time. It allowed us both to do things that would have been made much harder with a child. It also gave us time to grow up.

Fast forward and I'm 29 years old. Mr. F and I were still wavering over whether or not it was a good time. I think, however, that somehow I knew we were going to have problems. Everyone told us after the first miscarriage that it wouldn't happen again, many first pregnancies fail, etc...but I'm not sure I bought it. I distinctly remember a conversation where Mr. F was explaining his worry about having a child 9 months from now (he was in the midst of his graduate program). I remember calmly telling him that it could take up to a year to even get pregnant. Imagine my surprise now when it's been almost two years of trying. I'm glad we didn't wait any longer then we did. I'm 31 now and no baby in sight.

It's been a really trying time for us. Recently going through three miscarriages in a row and now having a hard time even getting pregnant again. The bt diagnosis is not an easy thing to deal with. It still stabs my heart every time someone on a message board says something similar to "thank god our karotype tests came back normal". It's a reminder to me that I have something wrong with me that no one else wants. Yet, I keep plodding forward. The only other option is to give up and I'm definitely not there yet. I have so much respect for you ladies that have been at this longer then me. I used to think there was no way I could keep at it (just like I thought I'd never be able to go through a miscarriage again after the first one). Your perspective changes when all you want is to be able to hold your baby.

Treatment for me now consists of fertility drugs and IUIs. We don't have any male factor problems but our insurance covers IUIs (we are very lucky that we have great insurance right now) so our RE recommended we use them. The hope is more eggs=one good one. So far, we're not having much luck. Our RE can't seem to get the dosage right. This cycle I ended up with one egg--not exactly what we were going/hoping for. I keep at it though because the regime has been successful for other bt ladies and because I'm doubting that when we move (probably within the next year or so) that our insurance will cover these treatments.

There is hope for me, however. Even with this crappy diagnosis ladies are succeeding. Recently the blog world has exploded with happy news for ladies with chromosomal issues. I'm so happy for each and every one of them. It gives me hope and a reason for continuing. Someday soon I'll hopefully be writing about my pregnancy.

ICLW

2011-01-21T08:19:00.001-10:00

I've not done this before but I'm excited to give it a shot. For those not familiar, click on the link in my sidebar. It's a good way for us new bloggers to get to know our fellow bloggers.

Bring on the comments!

2 dpiui..

2011-01-20T09:56:00.000-10:00

That's where I'm at right now. 2 days past my second IUI. I'm not really stressing out at all this cycle. Maybe that will change after I get to start inserting progesterone tomorrow. But, for now all is well in the world. No symptom tracking, no thinking about when the next time I get to poas will be, and no concerns about having to go through this all over again. Maybe the acupuncture really is helping me to be more zen.

It's made me really happy to see so many of my fellow bloggers getting their bfps (and for those of us still waiting--I'm pulling for you all). It makes me think it has to be my turn soon, right? Eventually I'll be one of those lucky ladies who after years of trials finally gets to make it through the milestones. A girl can dream...

Big thanks to Adverb! Because of her I finally got the gumption to add a date line to my blog. It bothered me as well but I just didn't make the time to fix it. Hope this makes it a bit easier to follow along on my journey.

Arghh..

2011-01-15T10:06:00.000-10:00

Apparently the same protocol as last time gave significantly different end results. The multiple eggs I had a few days ago have turned into one 20mm egg with lots of small ones but still with a good lining 12.4. So, so disappointed. Luckily, I can get one egg on my own so I am a bit miffed to be spending the time/money/stress to get one egg a cycle. I seriously considered not doing IUIs this cycle but I guess we're going to go ahead.

Detached...

2011-01-12T18:47:00.000-10:00

That's how I feel about this current cycle. I'm not temping, I'm not tracking symptoms, and quite frankly I feel rather removed from the whole process. I mean, I'm giving myself the shots every day but it doesn't really seem to register. It's just part of the routine. I thought a lot about why I'm reacting this way and I'm not sure. I'd like to think it's because I'm more zen and that the yoga, acupuncture, etc is helping my stress levels. It's more likely, however, that because the other cycles failed I'm not expecting this to be the miracle cycle. Also, knowing that IVF/PGD is an option has taken a bit of the weight off. At least we have somewhere to go if this doesn't work.

My first follicle check was pretty uneventful. I'm following the same protocol as my last cycle. Once again I have a lot of eggs. It looks like 3-5. My lining is already a 9.3 and triple stripe. We're looking at IUIs on Monday and Tuesday. My RE seems a bit perplexed as to why I haven't gotten a positive test yet. I'm not sure either but it's something I worry about a lot. I'm hoping that the 2ww can be as calm as the first half of my cycle. Hopefully at the end I'll get that bfp. If not, life goes on.

Moving Forward

2011-01-06T12:01:00.000-10:00

I had my RE appt today. I'm back on the Follistim. Same protocol as last time. We're hoping to get a lot of eggs again. I spent a lot of time with my doctor discussing IVF/PGD. I keep going back and forth between PGD and aggressive transfer. My RE is for PGD (but would do either) and I trust her and her opinions so I think that's probably the route we will end up going. However, my RE thinks we should try to get one more bfp before heading into IVF. I'm actually feeling really good about this protocol and am happy to have some time to prepare myself for ivf--if it's needed.

Tomorrow I am embarking on a cleanse. I've never done one before (and I know a lot of people think they are crap) but I'm going to give it a shot. I'm going for the full mind/body makeover here. I'd like to lose 30 pounds before heading into ivf and I certainly know that I need to eat better. I'm hoping this cleanse will give me a jump start on the process. Of course, I'll let you all know how it's going. I'm sure it's not going to be easy but if we end up doing ivf I want to know that I've done everything possible to ensure success. If it fails, then at least I won't have the feelings of "if only I would have...". My second acupuncture appointment is also tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the relaxation.

My sisters pregnancy is progressing well. She's in her 15th week or so. I find myself avoiding conversations with her (usually we talk multiple times a week). It's just too difficult for me to hear about what baby item she's bought, how excited my parents are, etc. Perhaps she is feeling the strain as well because she doesn't call as often as she used to (or maybe she's just busy and I'm reading too much into this). Regardless, it's difficult and sad. I don't want her to think I'm being selfish or don't care but I'm not sure that she understands at all how hard this is.

New Year, New Outlook

2011-01-03T15:12:00.000-10:00

Well, I'm going to try. 2010 was incredibly stressful so for 2011 I've decided I'm really going to work on my stress levels. I've got a couple things in mind--exercise, yoga, and acupuncture. I cheated and started the acupuncture in 2010. I really enjoyed my first appointment and it was nice to have nothing to do for 45 minutes but relax. The yoga and exercise will be starting on Friday the 7th. We have a guest in town right now and our itty bitty apartment is just not conducive to extra guest + yoga/zen room. I picked up the 12 week fertility plan and am using the yoga exercises in the book to craft my program. If anyone has used it before or has any advice, please let me know.

I had my first RE appointment of the year today. The cyst, happily, is gone. I'm not waiting on AF and then back to the RE for the Cd3 ultrasound/meds. I also found out that insurance will cover IVF and PGD! Now I have to decide when and if I want to go through with this. Mr. F and I are thinking we'll do at least 2 more medicated IUIs before moving on. I really want to be in a better frame of mind and in better physical condition before we move to IVF. So, for now, I'm going to try to focus my energy on getting myself healthy and happy again.

Apparently I was Bad this Year

2010-12-21T10:30:00.000-10:00

I went to the RE this morning and found out I have a cyst (15x20). So, I was given the options of birth control or sitting out a cycle. Obviously, both were very appealing. So now, I'm on bcp for two weeks and if the cyst is gone I will get to then have another period. Yipee! Can you feel the sarcasm.

I spent the last hour crying to my husband. Mostly because I am so f'ing frustrated with this process. Nothing can ever be easy or just go well. There always has to be some kind of drama or giant problem. The last 3 months of treatments with the RE have gotten us nowhere. The last two years of ttc have gotten us nowhere. No closer to having a baby then we were when I was happily on birth control to prevent (ha!) pregnancy. Oh wait, they have given me 30 extra pounds that I certainly didn't need.

2010 has really been a sh*t year. I remember in 2009 thinking 2010 has to be better. Boy was I wrong. So, now heading into 2011--should I be thinking that same thing? Can it really get worse?

I'm starting acupuncture after the holidays. I'm hoping it well help calm me down and reduce my stress levels. I'm also going to start taking care of myself. To me this means that I'm going to start running again. Is it bad for you while in the 2ww, maybe. However, not running hasn't helped me at all either. I'm going to lose the weight that I've gained after each miscarriage. Might losing weight screw up my cycles? Again, don't care see above. If I can't have a baby I should at least be able to feel good about myself and how I look.

We're also looking into IVF/PGD. The insurance company should be getting my paperwork soon. Apparently they will cover IVF but probably not PGD. We'll see.

I Hate This Process

2010-12-16T15:04:00.000-10:00

After staring at a stark white negative this morning, I've been a big old bundle of negative energy today. Granted I'm only 10 dpo but I can't help but feeling this cycle has failed as well. (It doesn't help when AF like cramps are happening--and I'm assuming it's just not here because the progesterone is stopping it). I'm feeling really down, depressed, and just dismayed at this entire process. Thinking about going through this again is just depressing. This was a picture perfect cycle great number of eggs, great lining, and nothing. I can't even get a chemical pregnancy anymore--at least then I would know something is going on.

Being the type A that I am, I started thinking today about where I want to go next. I think I've come up with a plan. On CD3 I'm going to let my RE know how disappointed I am. I'm going to ask that they put together a packet for my insurance company to see if I can get IVF/PGD covered. If this is a no (and it very likely could be) then I'm thinking about going with DE this summer. I'm actually thinking about doing this abroad--Czech Republic? Mr. F and I can't afford the $30k it'll cost us at my clinic and we can afford (albeit scraping it together) the $10-12k it will cost abroad. If anyone has any experience with this, please let me know. Your thoughts and input would be greatly appreciated.

Of course, Mr. F and I will continue with the COH process until we hear from the insurance company and probably until we pursue DE. It's also possible I'll change my mind. Right now though, I'm just feeling so over this process. I've never been overly concerned that our children have a genetic link (and neither has Mr. F). I'll also not have to worry about passing on my crappy genetics to a child--which is definitely a concern.

Even in My Dreams...

2010-12-14T07:34:00.000-10:00

Apparently I am a ttc crazy person. Last night I went to sleep without Mr. F (he was out with friends). When he came home he woke me up to give me a kiss goodnight. Apparently our conversation was nearly one sided and I was acting completely crazy. I told him that my eggs weren't done. He prodded me some more and apparently I said they needed to be fertilized. This is where he picked up that I wasn't talking about a breakfast item. He told me that he didn't know what I was talking about and started laughing at me. I got pissed and told him he knew what he needed to do and if he wouldn't do it just to leave me alone.

I remember before drifting off thinking about this cycle and how upset I would be if there wasn't a good egg out of 3-5 I had. So, I'm guessing this is where the crazy talk came from. In other news, I'm patiently sitting in the 2ww. I haven't tested once (which is a record for me). I'm planning on testing Friday morning--11dpo. Like every 2ww I've been obsessively tracking symptoms. I've had a lot of cramping this cycle and just today a nice temp spike. I'm not really sure how progesterone suppositories work but I've been on them since 2dpo. It seems kind of weird to me that my temp would spike now at 8dpo. (see obsessively symptom spotting). Anyways, will let you all know what Friday brings. I'm hoping it's two dark pink lines.

IUI #3 is over

2010-12-07T17:54:00.000-10:00

Happy to say that it went without a hitch. I had back to back IUIs yesterday and today. Mr F's counts were great at 60 and 50 million. My RE put me on progesterone supplementation this cycle. I will start these on Thursday. This is actually a first for me and I'm hoping that it only adds more positivity to this cycle.

My beta for this cycle will be on 12/22. Christmas is my favorite time of the year and I imagine that a bfn after all those follies, great counts, and progesterone support would really bum me out and put a bit of a damper on the holiday festivities. So, once again crossing my fingers for this cycle and hoping that I'll have something to be extra happy for this Christmas.

Speaking of, I'm nearly done with my shopping. I've got a few more things to pick up and a couple of presents to ship to family members but the majority of my shopping is done. This time of year can be difficult for me because to me Christmas=family but because we are so far away we don't get to see them every year. This time around it will just be Mr. F and me for the holidays. That being said, I'm also kind of relieved. I don't have to see my sister, hear about the baby, etc. I believe she is telling our extended family at the Christmas gathering. This would have been emotion overload for me...so maybe it's better that it's just us this year.

Holy follicles!

2010-12-04T09:56:00.000-10:00

So my IUIs are scheduled for Monday and Tuesday morning. I get to give myself my trigger shot tomorrow morning. This will be the first time I give myself this shot, so I'm a little nervous. I think the timing will be better, however, then the past IUIs. Usually my clinic gives the trigger the same time as IUI #1 which has never made much sense to me.

My lining is crazy thick 14mm. I consulted dr. google and am a bit concerned that it may be too thick. Opinions seem to widely vary. So, for the follies...I have 3 above 18. 2 currently at 16 and 1 at 13. I'm hoping that the 2 at 16 will catch-up and research makes it seem like they probably will. So, anywhere from 3-5 follies. Yea! My RE is a little nervous about letting me trigger with this many follies. However, because I have such crappy eggs I'm not really worried about multiples.

I've been reading others stories about their IUIs and it seems like most ladies have blood tests done to test E2 levels. I've never had this done and am curious as to why. Another question to ask my RE. Anyways, hope you all have a great weekend!

A Relaxing Thanksgiving

2010-11-30T19:54:00.000-10:00

I had a wonderful time in Las Vegas. We ate until we could eat no more and visited a couple restaurants we were really excited about trying. Of course, the vacation flew by and it was extremely difficult to return to work on Monday morning.

I had my first follie appointment on Monday. I'm doing pretty well. My lining is 6.7 (hoping that increases by my next appointment on Thursday). I have four follies (2 on each side) that are around the same size and 6-10 that are not far behind. Of course, I got the speech about possible cancellation if there are too many--but my RE seems to be behind being more aggressive this cycle. So, hopefully on Thursday there will be 4 eggs and a perfect lining. A girl can dream, right?

My sister had her first scan and all is well. Her due date is the day after my birthday. Really, really hoping that I'm successfully pregnant by that point.

Follistim it is

2010-11-23T18:07:00.000-10:00

All follistim, yea! No more crappy clomid to wreck my lining. I'm doing 75iu until Monday and then in for a follie check. Very thankful that my insurance covers the medication because it would be $900 without the coverage. Yikes.

We're leaving for vacation tomorrow. We're heading to Vegas to eat our hearts out. I'm a little worried about taking the meds on the plane but I think I've got what I need. I just have to find someplace that will give me ice for my pen. Speaking of keeping follistim cold--I was never told that I needed to do this before. So, last cycle the meds were room temperature. I'm hoping this didn't cause any problems. Oops.

My sister was supposed to meet us on this trip. Unfortunately her and her husband not able to come because of her extreme morning sickness. So, it'll be just me and my husband. A nice little vacation with just the two of us. See you all when I get back.

I Love my Family but...

2010-11-21T08:28:00.001-10:00

I lied to my mother yesterday. I told her that we had decided to take a break for awhile. I told her I was thinking about going back on birth control. I told her then I wouldn't have to worry about whether I was pregnant or not every month and I could quit being disappointed.

Yesterday, I actually felt this way. I seriously was considering throwing in the towel. After getting a faint BFP and immediately starting to spot red blood afterwards, I just wanted to give up. There was no hope left in my heart.

I actually regret telling our families that we were going through this process. I know they are trying to be supportive but it makes me feel like s.hit every cycle when I get to tell them it didn't work again. Not to mention my mom loves her platitudes "all will be well" and really those kind of comments just make me angry. My family is convinced that now that my younger sister is pregnant (and apparently not cursed with genetic anomaly I have) that it will be my turn soon as well. I just need to keep trying--again could club them. I think it will be easier on me if they all think we've given up for awhile. I can cry on my husbands shoulder every cycle this doesn't work and not have to relay the details to my sister and mother.

I hope I don't sound too heartless. I really do love my family but right now they really aren't helping. I am trying to be supportive of my sister (who has hyperemesis) but it is so hard. Being infertile really sucks.

8dpiui or crazytown

2010-11-17T19:25:00.000-10:00

I've convinced myself that I'm pregnant this cycle. Earlier I had red spotting for one wipe. Now my nipples are on fire. The only possible conclusion, I'm pregnant. After all, I more then deserve it. The only thing I had going for me before (we're talking ttc here) is that I could get pregnant fairly easily. Now, I'm not even doing that. It's been 6 months since my last miscarriage. I know that for many this doesn't seem like a long time. But, for me, it feels like a lifetime.

I guess I feel like if I get pregnant easily then I am better able to withstand the 10 miscarriages that might happen before I get my first take home baby. If I can't get pregnant easily then it just puts me that much farther away from my goal. And so I hope, that this is the cycle. I read way too much into symptoms that could just be leftover from the hcg trigger or the fertility medications I was on earlier this cycle. It's going to be a big disappointment if this cycle didn't work. We leave for vacation on Wednesday and depending on when AF shows up, we may have to sit out next cycle (med wise). Man, I hope this is it.

I'm back..

2010-11-14T16:25:00.000-10:00

I got to head out on a nice little vacation for the weekend. A friend and I went to the west coast for a few days. The primary reason I was there was for a conference but I managed to squeeze some fun and sun in as well. It was a much needed break and has helped the 2ww progress a bit faster.

While I was there I had a bit of a scare with some bright red spotting happening out of nowhere. I'm only 4dpiui so there's no way that it could be implantation spotting. I guess I'm not sure what to think but one more thing to worry about and bring up at the next RE appointment.

My sister goes for her first doctor appointment this week. I'm nervous for her but hoping that all is well and goes well. She has tricare so I guess she's not sure if they will do an ultrasound for her at this appointment or not. I'm still feeling pretty sad about the whole situation but trying to be the bigger person and work through those feelings on my own.

A Ray of Sunshine?

2010-11-08T12:04:00.000-10:00

I can check off the first of our IUIs. It went off without a hitch. I was a bit concerned that it would be cancelled. Last night and today I have had extreme abdominal/ovary pain. It's centered on the right ovary--which apparently has two big follicles. The pain was so bad I couldn't sleep on my side last night, nor am I easily able to bend over. I checked with my RE today and she said it's normal. So, we proceeded as scheduled.

Also, I found out that my insurance company will cover my injectables 100%. So, if this cycle doesn't work we can really bring out the big guns next cycle and hopefully get some more follicles. I was certain my prescription insurance didn't cover it (and it doesn't). However, apparently injectables are billed to the medical insurer and this is how they are a covered item. Hooray! That's mega bucks I don't have to worry about coming up with and a load of stress off my shoulders. Hoping, however, that this cycle will work and it will all be a non-issue.

Follie Check

2010-11-06T12:14:00.001-10:00

IUI #1 and #2 will be Monday and Tuesday. Apparently the estrogen patches are working. My lining today was 8.2 and triple stripe. The doctor believes it'll grow even more by Monday. I'll have two follicles this cycle. Right now they are 16 and 20. I'm taking 2 more days of follistim to help the 2nd get larger. Already this cycle is better then the last. 1 more egg and a better lining. Here's hoping.

Pregnant

2010-11-05T10:52:00.000-10:00

Nope, not me instead my little sister. Who apparently wasn't planning on trying until January and was shocked she got pregnant so easily! She's 7 weeks along now. This is farther then I've got in any pregnancy (other than my blighted ovum). She's majorly sick (like to the er sick) so I'm sure this is going to stick for her. When she told me this morning my heart literally sank. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for her...but also devastated. I've always been a really strong person but today is the first day I really cried about our infertility. It's just not fair that what comes so easily to what feels like everyone else is so hard for me. Even worse, my sister didn't even ask if I was ok or how I was handling the news. Just started crying and talking about how sick she has been. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to keep going from here but I know that I need to. We're never going to maintain a pregnancy if we don't just keep trying. If only this wasn't so hard.

Follie Update

2010-11-04T17:12:00.000-10:00

So, not so good news to report. My lining is crap 6.8. I was put on estrogen patches to see if that helps thicken it at all. I've got 3 follies: 17, 13, and 10, plus a bunch of smaller ones that apparently don't count.

I was assertive today and told my RE that I don't understand why we're going for only 1-2 eggs. Apparently this is normal protocol for someone my age with RPL. After a bit of arguing we may have found some common ground. I understand where she's coming from as well but it seems pretty evident to me that most of my eggs are crap. So, I guess I'll see how my protocol changes next cycle. Already feeling pretty bummed about this one.

I Need to Be More Assertive

2010-11-01T12:54:00.000-10:00

Well, I know what injectibles I'm going to be on (Follitism). However, my doctor's appointment was annoying. I go to a practice with two doctors. I saw one on Saturday. Dr. A told me I need to produce more eggs and basically my last cycle was crap because I only had 1 egg and not so great lining 7.8. Dr. A suggested injectibles after Clomid to get more eggs and better lining. While I have terrific medical insurance, I have terrible prescription insurance. So, Dr. A offered to give me samples.

Today I come to the office and see Dr. B (who is my normal doctor). Dr. B apparently has no idea I'm starting injectibles and instead mentions estrogen patches to increase my lining. After discussion with Dr. B about what Dr. A had told me on Saturday, I end up getting my injectibles. However, she only wants to give me a small dose because we only want 1-2 good eggs! I'm not sure if my RE is like everyone else's but my head is spinning by the time I leave. I see the Dr. for about 5 minutes (4 of which is procedure) and I get so much information thrown at me that I don't ask the right questions. So, I leave the office and think about what Dr. B said. Then, I start to get mad. Why didn't the doctors communicate with each other? Why is my treatment not more aggressive--clearly my eggs are crap! So, I've made a solemn promise to myself that Thursday (next appt) will be different. I'm going to say what I'm thinking and ask her to be aggressive.

In other news, I went out for Halloween and actually had a great time. We met up with a lot of friends and relaxed a bit.

This Time Last Year

2010-10-30T10:31:00.000-10:00

I learned that my pregnancy was a blighted ovum. Instead of getting to go out with friends for Halloween and have fun, I spent the night on the couch waiting for the cytotec to work. I have to say, that has kind of ruined Halloween for me. This year I find myself not really being able to get excited about it. I'm going out tonight but afraid that I'm going to be miserable to be around.

In less depressing news, we are changing my protocol this cycle. Instead of using just clomid we're adding injectibles. My insurance won't cover fertility medication but my RE thinks he can get me samples for a couple of cycles--which is awesome! Apparently my last cycle I only had one good egg and my lining was thin. I wish they would have told me this then because I was thinking I had two eggs and my lining was ok. I guess they probably don't want to cause anxiety...but I was really disappointed when the last cycle didn't work. I would have been less so if I had known going in that things weren't looking that great.

AF Starts the Week

2010-10-26T17:47:00.000-10:00

Sadly this cycle ended up with AF. Needless to say, I'm really disappointed. I was really hoping to get pregnant. Even if it didn't stick I would at least be making progress in the right direction. Alas, it was not to be. So, now I get to start this whole process over again. I'll be going to my RE's office tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers that there will not be any cysts and that we'll be able to squeeze another IUI in before I head off to a conference. Right now the timing is pretty precarious so I'm really hoping that it will work out. Will let you all know more tomorrow.

Implantation Dip

2010-10-20T18:03:00.000-10:00

So, I had a crazy rise in temperature after a slight dip yesterday. I've been reading furiously on the internet and it seems that this might be an implantation dip. Of course, depending on what you read implantation dips may or may not exist. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/27445e

Now I have to wait patiently to see if this indeed is what it seems it may be. In the meantime I'm obsessing over every symptom. I have to pee more (check). I have sore breasts (check). I have cramping (check). Man, I hope this works and I'm actually pregnant this cycle. It's going to be a huge disappointment if I'm not.

Waiting Ever Waiting...

2010-10-18T17:20:00.000-10:00

Can this 2ww go by any slower? Here I sit 6 dpiui and I feel like it's been an eternity. Luckily for me I have a super short luteal phase. So, in 5 days I should either see AF or hopefully be pregnant. If I am pregnant that will bring a whole other set of worries. But, I'm not going to think about that right now.

I've not had an IUI before so I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is normal. Dr. Google has almost convinced me that it is. I've had the worst cramps for the past few days. Normally, I am a minimal cramp kind of gal. Usually it's pretty calm for me. These are bad though. They hurt, they are annoying, and I want them to go away.

I'm going to be really disappointed if this doesn't work. I keep telling myself that'll we will just try again but the appointments and the missed work. I'm really not wanting to do that again if we don't have to. So, I'm crossing my fingers that this will be it. Only 4 more days until testing commences.

3dpiui

2010-10-15T18:16:00.000-10:00

So, I'm going to try to spruce up my blog a bit over the next few days. I'm updating the design and trying to make it a bit more interesting. If you have feedback, let me know.

In fertility world I'm a few days past my first set of back to back IUIs. I've had a lot of cramping today--feels like pre AF. I'm not sure if that's normal or not but it's what is currently occurring. Work and home life have been crazy lately and I'm hoping that craziness will help this 2ww move quickly. I really, really hate waiting. In the meantime (trying to keep busy) I've been reading Outlander. I really like it so far and it's making me want to buy the rest of the books in the series.

Clomid and IUIs

2010-10-11T07:24:00.001-10:00

So, apparently I am terrible at updating this blog. I promise to try to be more diligent in the future. I'm always annoyed when I start getting into someone's blog and they just stop posting..

So, I've moved on. After last month's BFN I decided to bring out the big guns and try clomid/IUIs. I've taken the clomid and had my ultrasound appointments and today will be my trigger and first IUI. I will go back for my second tomorrow morning. I've been a little disappointed in the egg results thus far. I'll definitely have 1...maybe 2. However, the whole goal of this was to create more eggs in the hope that one might be good. So, yeah a bit disappointed. It has, however, been fascinating to watch my cycle in progress. To see the lining start growing (hoping it's even better today to avoid estrogen patches) and to see the follicles. After these IUIs I'll officially be in the 2ww. I actually really don't like the 2ww. I'm not a patient person and it's torture wondering whether or not I'll be pregnant month after month. That being said, I at the very least feel like I'm taking a bit more control this cycle. We'll see what it brings and move forward from there. It's really all I can do.

And Another Negative

2010-09-28T19:09:00.000-10:00

So, my period was two days late and I spotted starting at 5 dpo. I'm pretty sure I saw a faint line at 10 dpo and then nothing. So, maybe another chemical. Sigh...

With that news we've decided to move onto clomid/iui. I feel like I need to try something, anything different. The hope is we'll get more eggs and regulate my cycle/progesterone at the same time. Maybe with more eggs we will finally catch a good one?! That's the hope anyways. I'll be starting the process on Thursday with an ultrasound. I'm a little nervous as I was hoping not to get to this point. We are lucky though that we have decent insurance coverage and I feel like we should give it a shot now while we are able. Of course, I'll let you know how this goes and document the process.

One of Those Days

2010-09-11T07:37:00.000-10:00

I'm having one of those days where I'm not sure if this is ever going to work out for us. I question how many more miscarriages I will be able to handle. How many more months of tracking ovulation, etc. I can mentally take. I feel strongly for you ladies who've been at this longer than me. Additionally, there are just so many things about this process that are annoying to me. For instance, I have ridiculously late ovulation. We're talking day 22-24 and I have only a ten day luteal phase. So, I feel that I spend most of my month just waiting to ovulate! And spend a ridiculous amount of money on fertility monitor sticks that continuously read low. Additionally, because I have a longer cycle then average I don't get as many tries as others during the course of a year.

As you may know, I'm getting older. So last night I was thinking if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant three more times in the next year that will put me at 32 1/2 with potential no children (I've seen ladies w/BTs with 8+miscarriages and no children). How much longer would I keep trying after that? Should I start looking into alternatives more seriously? These are all of the things I think about when I can't sleep and let the positivity drift a bit. Sometimes I wish we had started this process much earlier--but can't turn back time now. I at least have some satisfaction that we didn't wait as long as friends/family would have had us. So many times I got the so & so had her first baby at 37 and now she has 2 children. If I had waited until 37 I would have a much smaller chance of ever having a biological child... Now to break out of this funk.

On to Next Month

2010-08-28T07:35:00.000-10:00

Sigh.. I was soo hoping that I would be lucky, hit the jackpot and get pregnant this month. Apparently that wasn't in the cards. After every symptom in the book AF came on time. Now, I get to start all over again and hope that next month will be the month. If so, it'll bring me right back to when I got pregnant last September at what was the start of this never-ending journey. I was oblivious then to my future struggles. When the lines on the HPT continued to get darker and I had no spotting or bleeding I assumed everything was going to be ok. Then, I get to my appt at 8 weeks and find out there is only a sac and I'm assumed to have a blighted ovum. Fluke, right? Now after 2 more miscarriages there are days when hope is really hard to find. Sometimes I get so sick of the temping, charting, timing, etc....for what? This is the last month I have to try to get pregnant on my own before the RE recommends trying IUI and fertility drugs. I'd like to give it one more all natural shot...If only there was a mirror to look into the future. Sometimes I think that would just make everything so much easier.

And We Have A Plan.

2010-08-14T21:56:00.001-10:00

Finally, we have a plan. After multiple visits and tests with the RE, MFM, and Genetics Office we've come to an agreement. Here it is: For the next two cycles I will try to get pregnant on my own. RE is fairly confident that we will be able to get pregnant in that time span. If I am lucky, we will support the pregnancy via progesterone and hopefully all will proceed well. If I miscarry again, then we will move onto IUI and fertility meds for a few cycles. The hope here is that more eggs may allow us to catch a good one (finally). If this still doesn't work then we will look to IVF and PGD. Our insurance company will hopefully cover this for us--or we will not be able to afford it. I'm hoping, however, that we never get to that point. Of course, I'm hoping that this next pregnancy will work out and we'll finally have our take home baby. So, now I try getting pregnant. I haven't ovulated yet this cycle but it should be coming soon.

I'm really happy that we finally have a plan. Even better, it is pretty similar to what my husband and I had discussed when we have talked about how to proceed. IVF for us is a last resort and we're hoping that we will have luck before then. I feel much better now that I now how we are proceeding and am feeling supported by our RE. In the meantime, I'm trying not to stress about baby making. We're planning some vacations and hoping to get away for awhile. Try to relax and de-stress.

And Still Waiting...

2010-08-04T19:28:00.000-10:00

So, I went to the geneticist and found out some good news. Apparently my risk of miscarriage is only slightly increased from my translocation (about 5%). I also only have a very small risk of carrying an unbalanced child to term (about 3%). Those numbers, of course, led the doctor to wonder if there could be something else going on besides the translocation.

Since my appointment with the geneticist, I have yet to hear from my RE. I'd like to get the show on the road and figure out what our plan of attack will be. Because I've been expecting a phone call from their office, I didn't worry that I was running out of the birth control pills they requested I take. Though, I don't see any reason why I should be taking them now. They were originally given to me because the RE was concerned that I may not be able to have a genetically healthy child. Obviously, that is no longer the case. Typically, I would call the doctor and ask whether I should continue taking the pill. However, I guess I'm not very motivated to continue taking it.... So, I don't call and I wait for their call. And I wait and wait and wait. Sigh... I feel like every month I'm not pregnant is another month wasted. Especially because I'm so unsure about how many more miscarriages I may need to go through before I have a child.