Progress

So, we're getting there. We've nailed down July as our official IVF start date. Our RE should be calling us sometime soon to set up a calendar. They've also been in contact with the pgd lab. Though, it seems like we will actually being doing cgh. I think they are still trying to determine what exactly will be the best method to deal with our bt. I'm excited, nervous, fearful--pretty much every emotion. Of course I really want this to work but am so scared that it won't. On my worst days I think I should just say screw my eggs and go straight to donor egg. Then I talk myself out of it and decide it's really worth trying with my own eggs.

There's been a lot of stuff going on lately with friends and family and some of it has been really bothering me. I've had to listen to my sister complaining about her baby shower--she's upset that people aren't getting her things off her registry (or expensive enough things). It's really hard for me to bite my tongue during these conversations. I had a friend who was pregnant (accidentally of course). She chose to terminate and told me afterwards. So, I've been helping her through that. The b.itchy part of me thinking--wtf world is everybody going to pregnant except me. There's more but I don't share it on my blog, yet.

Back to ttc news, my hysteroscopy is going to be next month. It got delayed as there were scheduling difficulties. I'm not sure what I want the outcome to be. If they find something it'll make me feel like the last 12 months make sense. If not, then I'll worry something else is wrong. Most of the time I wish I had the ability to see into the future (maybe only for ttc events). I never know if I'm making the right decisions.

Moving Forward

I had my RE appt today. I'm back on the Follistim. Same protocol as last time. We're hoping to get a lot of eggs again. I spent a lot of time with my doctor discussing IVF/PGD. I keep going back and forth between PGD and aggressive transfer. My RE is for PGD (but would do either) and I trust her and her opinions so I think that's probably the route we will end up going. However, my RE thinks we should try to get one more bfp before heading into IVF. I'm actually feeling really good about this protocol and am happy to have some time to prepare myself for ivf--if it's needed.

Tomorrow I am embarking on a cleanse. I've never done one before (and I know a lot of people think they are crap) but I'm going to give it a shot. I'm going for the full mind/body makeover here. I'd like to lose 30 pounds before heading into ivf and I certainly know that I need to eat better. I'm hoping this cleanse will give me a jump start on the process. Of course, I'll let you all know how it's going. I'm sure it's not going to be easy but if we end up doing ivf I want to know that I've done everything possible to ensure success. If it fails, then at least I won't have the feelings of "if only I would have...". My second acupuncture appointment is also tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the relaxation.

My sisters pregnancy is progressing well. She's in her 15th week or so. I find myself avoiding conversations with her (usually we talk multiple times a week). It's just too difficult for me to hear about what baby item she's bought, how excited my parents are, etc. Perhaps she is feeling the strain as well because she doesn't call as often as she used to (or maybe she's just busy and I'm reading too much into this). Regardless, it's difficult and sad. I don't want her to think I'm being selfish or don't care but I'm not sure that she understands at all how hard this is.

I Love my Family but...

I lied to my mother yesterday. I told her that we had decided to take a break for awhile. I told her I was thinking about going back on birth control. I told her then I wouldn't have to worry about whether I was pregnant or not every month and I could quit being disappointed.

Yesterday, I actually felt this way. I seriously was considering throwing in the towel. After getting a faint BFP and immediately starting to spot red blood afterwards, I just wanted to give up. There was no hope left in my heart.

I actually regret telling our families that we were going through this process. I know they are trying to be supportive but it makes me feel like s.hit every cycle when I get to tell them it didn't work again. Not to mention my mom loves her platitudes "all will be well" and really those kind of comments just make me angry. My family is convinced that now that my younger sister is pregnant (and apparently not cursed with genetic anomaly I have) that it will be my turn soon as well. I just need to keep trying--again could club them. I think it will be easier on me if they all think we've given up for awhile. I can cry on my husbands shoulder every cycle this doesn't work and not have to relay the details to my sister and mother.

I hope I don't sound too heartless. I really do love my family but right now they really aren't helping. I am trying to be supportive of my sister (who has hyperemesis) but it is so hard. Being infertile really sucks.