I Hate This Part.

Because I enjoy torturing myself I poas yesterday and today. That would be 9dpo (11 past trigger) and 10dpo (12 past trigger). I got faint, faint lines on my internet cheapies each time. I'm beginning to hate internet cheapies. While they are nice because they are cheap, they seem to everything month give me a faint line right until AF shows up. I can't decide if this is 1) because I'm having chemical pregnancy after chemical pregnancy and my eggs are just that bad or 2) if they are evaps.

I know it's early and most people don't get bfp's now but I've tended to get positives around 11 dpo. So, I'm going to wait until tomorrow, test again and then call it. I really hate the in between. I just want to know yes or no and move on. I want to stop taking these gross progesterone suppositories.

It has been a long time since I've been pregnant. Every month I think this one has to be it and everything month I get the same thing, AF. I'm starting to think there might be something else wrong with me. In the past it has taken us 2-3 months to get pregnant. This will be cycle 6 without a positive. It's frustrating to know that numbers wise I need as many pregnancies as possible to catch a good egg and then not be able to do that any more. 

I've been debating back and forth in my head what I'm going to do if I go in next week and have another cyst. I think I've decided we'll be taking a month off from all of this. Clearly it's not working anyways and I really don't want to go back on bcp for two weeks to try to shrink a cyst again. Sigh. Just feeling kinda down today.

How do You get Rid of Stress?

One of my promises to myself this year is that I would work really hard to be less stressed out. Apparently being type A adds all sorts of stress to your life. So far, I've been doing rather well. I've been to weekly acupuncture appointments, used aromatherapy, am trying to get regular exercise (including yoga), and am eating healthier.

Then this week happened. The week from h.ell. It's the first week of school so I'm back in class (I also have a full-time job). I'm slammed at work and not sure I'll ever dig myself out of the pile of work I have. Slowly, slowly I've felt the tension creeping back into my neck and shoulders. I've had no shortage of people tell me "if you'd only relax" in regards to our pregnancy troubles. I'm trying to heed their advice. Not because I think it will work and that it's the cure all to all of our genetic problems. Instead, more because I know that constantly being stressed isn't good for more overall health. So, dear readers do any of you have any go to solutions? Do I just stop caring so much about doing my best at my job, and at school, and at home (easier said then done). Do I leave the housework completely to Mr. F (I wish)! If you've got any ideas my stressed out body would love to hear them.

PS--Even though I am a POASaholic I am happy to report I haven't even considered it yet. I'm trying to hold out until Saturday.

2 dpiui..

That's where I'm at right now. 2 days past my second IUI. I'm not really stressing out at all this cycle. Maybe that will change after I get to start inserting progesterone tomorrow. But, for now all is well in the world. No symptom tracking, no thinking about when the next time I get to poas will be, and no concerns about having to go through this all over again. Maybe the acupuncture really is helping me to be more zen.

It's made me really happy to see so many of my fellow bloggers getting their bfps (and for those of us still waiting--I'm pulling for you all). It makes me think it has to be my turn soon, right? Eventually I'll be one of those lucky ladies who after years of trials finally gets to make it through the milestones. A girl can dream...

Big thanks to Adverb! Because of her I finally got the gumption to add a date line to my blog. It bothered me as well but I just didn't make the time to fix it. Hope this makes it a bit easier to follow along on my journey.

Arghh..

Apparently the same protocol as last time gave significantly different end results. The multiple eggs I had a few days ago have turned into one 20mm egg with lots of small ones but still with a good lining 12.4. So, so disappointed. Luckily, I can get one egg on my own so I am a bit miffed to be spending the time/money/stress to get one egg a cycle. I seriously considered not doing IUIs this cycle but I guess we're going to go ahead.

Detached...

That's how I feel about this current cycle. I'm not temping, I'm not tracking symptoms, and quite frankly I feel rather removed from the whole process. I mean, I'm giving myself the shots every day but it doesn't really seem to register. It's just part of the routine. I thought a lot about why I'm reacting this way and I'm not sure. I'd like to think it's because I'm more zen and that the yoga, acupuncture, etc is helping my stress levels. It's more likely, however, that because the other cycles failed I'm not expecting this to be the miracle cycle. Also, knowing that IVF/PGD is an option has taken a bit of the weight off. At least we have somewhere to go if this doesn't work.

My first follicle check was pretty uneventful. I'm following the same protocol as my last cycle. Once again I have a lot of eggs. It looks like 3-5. My lining is already a 9.3 and triple stripe. We're looking at IUIs on Monday and Tuesday. My RE seems a bit perplexed as to why I haven't gotten a positive test yet. I'm not sure either but it's something I worry about a lot. I'm hoping that the 2ww can be as calm as the first half of my cycle. Hopefully at the end I'll get that bfp. If not, life goes on.

Moving Forward

I had my RE appt today. I'm back on the Follistim. Same protocol as last time. We're hoping to get a lot of eggs again. I spent a lot of time with my doctor discussing IVF/PGD. I keep going back and forth between PGD and aggressive transfer. My RE is for PGD (but would do either) and I trust her and her opinions so I think that's probably the route we will end up going. However, my RE thinks we should try to get one more bfp before heading into IVF. I'm actually feeling really good about this protocol and am happy to have some time to prepare myself for ivf--if it's needed.

Tomorrow I am embarking on a cleanse. I've never done one before (and I know a lot of people think they are crap) but I'm going to give it a shot. I'm going for the full mind/body makeover here. I'd like to lose 30 pounds before heading into ivf and I certainly know that I need to eat better. I'm hoping this cleanse will give me a jump start on the process. Of course, I'll let you all know how it's going. I'm sure it's not going to be easy but if we end up doing ivf I want to know that I've done everything possible to ensure success. If it fails, then at least I won't have the feelings of "if only I would have...". My second acupuncture appointment is also tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the relaxation.

My sisters pregnancy is progressing well. She's in her 15th week or so. I find myself avoiding conversations with her (usually we talk multiple times a week). It's just too difficult for me to hear about what baby item she's bought, how excited my parents are, etc. Perhaps she is feeling the strain as well because she doesn't call as often as she used to (or maybe she's just busy and I'm reading too much into this). Regardless, it's difficult and sad. I don't want her to think I'm being selfish or don't care but I'm not sure that she understands at all how hard this is.