Apparently I was Bad this Year

I went to the RE this morning and found out I have a cyst (15x20). So, I was given the options of birth control or sitting out a cycle. Obviously, both were very appealing. So now, I'm on bcp for two weeks and if the cyst is gone I will get to then have another period. Yipee! Can you feel the sarcasm.

I spent the last hour crying to my husband. Mostly because I am so f'ing frustrated with this process. Nothing can ever be easy or just go well. There always has to be some kind of drama or giant problem. The last 3 months of treatments with the RE have gotten us nowhere. The last two years of ttc have gotten us nowhere. No closer to having a baby then we were when I was happily on birth control to prevent (ha!) pregnancy. Oh wait, they have given me 30 extra pounds that I certainly didn't need.

2010 has really been a sh*t year. I remember in 2009 thinking 2010 has to be better. Boy was I wrong. So, now heading into 2011--should I be thinking that same thing? Can it really get worse?

I'm starting acupuncture after the holidays. I'm hoping it well help calm me down and reduce my stress levels. I'm also going to start taking care of myself. To me this means that I'm going to start running again. Is it bad for you while in the 2ww, maybe. However, not running hasn't helped me at all either. I'm going to lose the weight that I've gained after each miscarriage. Might losing weight screw up my cycles? Again, don't care see above. If I can't have a baby I should at least be able to feel good about myself and how I look.

We're also looking into IVF/PGD. The insurance company should be getting my paperwork soon. Apparently they will cover IVF but probably not PGD. We'll see.

I Hate This Process

After staring at a stark white negative this morning, I've been a big old bundle of negative energy today. Granted I'm only 10 dpo but I can't help but feeling this cycle has failed as well. (It doesn't help when AF like cramps are happening--and I'm assuming it's just not here because the progesterone is stopping it). I'm feeling really down, depressed, and just dismayed at this entire process. Thinking about going through this again is just depressing. This was a picture perfect cycle great number of eggs, great lining, and nothing. I can't even get a chemical pregnancy anymore--at least then I would know something is going on.

Being the type A that I am, I started thinking today about where I want to go next. I think I've come up with a plan. On CD3 I'm going to let my RE know how disappointed I am. I'm going to ask that they put together a packet for my insurance company to see if I can get IVF/PGD covered. If this is a no (and it very likely could be) then I'm thinking about going with DE this summer. I'm actually thinking about doing this abroad--Czech Republic? Mr. F and I can't afford the $30k it'll cost us at my clinic and we can afford (albeit scraping it together) the $10-12k it will cost abroad. If anyone has any experience with this, please let me know. Your thoughts and input would be greatly appreciated.

Of course, Mr. F and I will continue with the COH process until we hear from the insurance company and probably until we pursue DE. It's also possible I'll change my mind. Right now though, I'm just feeling so over this process. I've never been overly concerned that our children have a genetic link (and neither has Mr. F). I'll also not have to worry about passing on my crappy genetics to a child--which is definitely a concern.

Even in My Dreams...

Apparently I am a ttc crazy person. Last night I went to sleep without Mr. F (he was out with friends). When he came home he woke me up to give me a kiss goodnight. Apparently our conversation was nearly one sided and I was acting completely crazy. I told him that my eggs weren't done. He prodded me some more and apparently I said they needed to be fertilized. This is where he picked up that I wasn't talking about a breakfast item. He told me that he didn't know what I was talking about and started laughing at me. I got pissed and told him he knew what he needed to do and if he wouldn't do it just to leave me alone.

I remember before drifting off thinking about this cycle and how upset I would be if there wasn't a good egg out of 3-5 I had. So, I'm guessing this is where the crazy talk came from. In other news, I'm patiently sitting in the 2ww. I haven't tested once (which is a record for me). I'm planning on testing Friday morning--11dpo. Like every 2ww I've been obsessively tracking symptoms. I've had a lot of cramping this cycle and just today a nice temp spike. I'm not really sure how progesterone suppositories work but I've been on them since 2dpo. It seems kind of weird to me that my temp would spike now at 8dpo. (see obsessively symptom spotting). Anyways, will let you all know what Friday brings. I'm hoping it's two dark pink lines.

IUI #3 is over

Happy to say that it went without a hitch. I had back to back IUIs yesterday and today. Mr F's counts were great at 60 and 50 million. My RE put me on progesterone supplementation this cycle. I will start these on Thursday. This is actually a first for me and I'm hoping that it only adds more positivity to this cycle.

My beta for this cycle will be on 12/22. Christmas is my favorite time of the year and I imagine that a bfn after all those follies, great counts, and progesterone support would really bum me out and put a bit of a damper on the holiday festivities. So, once again crossing my fingers for this cycle and hoping that I'll have something to be extra happy for this Christmas.

Speaking of, I'm nearly done with my shopping. I've got a few more things to pick up and a couple of presents to ship to family members but the majority of my shopping is done. This time of year can be difficult for me because to me Christmas=family but because we are so far away we don't get to see them every year. This time around it will just be Mr. F and me for the holidays. That being said, I'm also kind of relieved. I don't have to see my sister, hear about the baby, etc. I believe she is telling our extended family at the Christmas gathering. This would have been emotion overload for me...so maybe it's better that it's just us this year.

Holy follicles!

So my IUIs are scheduled for Monday and Tuesday morning. I get to give myself my trigger shot tomorrow morning. This will be the first time I give myself this shot, so I'm a little nervous. I think the timing will be better, however, then the past IUIs. Usually my clinic gives the trigger the same time as IUI #1 which has never made much sense to me.

My lining is crazy thick 14mm. I consulted dr. google and am a bit concerned that it may be too thick. Opinions seem to widely vary. So, for the follies...I have 3 above 18. 2 currently at 16 and 1 at 13. I'm hoping that the 2 at 16 will catch-up and research makes it seem like they probably will. So, anywhere from 3-5 follies. Yea! My RE is a little nervous about letting me trigger with this many follies. However, because I have such crappy eggs I'm not really worried about multiples.

I've been reading others stories about their IUIs and it seems like most ladies have blood tests done to test E2 levels. I've never had this done and am curious as to why. Another question to ask my RE. Anyways, hope you all have a great weekend!

A Relaxing Thanksgiving

I had a wonderful time in Las Vegas. We ate until we could eat no more and visited a couple restaurants we were really excited about trying. Of course, the vacation flew by and it was extremely difficult to return to work on Monday morning.

I had my first follie appointment on Monday. I'm doing pretty well. My lining is 6.7 (hoping that increases by my next appointment on Thursday). I have four follies (2 on each side) that are around the same size and 6-10 that are not far behind. Of course, I got the speech about possible cancellation if there are too many--but my RE seems to be behind being more aggressive this cycle. So, hopefully on Thursday there will be 4 eggs and a perfect lining. A girl can dream, right?

My sister had her first scan and all is well. Her due date is the day after my birthday. Really, really hoping that I'm successfully pregnant by that point.

Follistim it is

All follistim, yea! No more crappy clomid to wreck my lining. I'm doing 75iu until Monday and then in for a follie check. Very thankful that my insurance covers the medication because it would be $900 without the coverage. Yikes.

We're leaving for vacation tomorrow. We're heading to Vegas to eat our hearts out. I'm a little worried about taking the meds on the plane but I think I've got what I need. I just have to find someplace that will give me ice for my pen. Speaking of keeping follistim cold--I was never told that I needed to do this before. So, last cycle the meds were room temperature. I'm hoping this didn't cause any problems. Oops.

My sister was supposed to meet us on this trip. Unfortunately her and her husband not able to come because of her extreme morning sickness. So, it'll be just me and my husband. A nice little vacation with just the two of us. See you all when I get back.

I Love my Family but...

I lied to my mother yesterday. I told her that we had decided to take a break for awhile. I told her I was thinking about going back on birth control. I told her then I wouldn't have to worry about whether I was pregnant or not every month and I could quit being disappointed.

Yesterday, I actually felt this way. I seriously was considering throwing in the towel. After getting a faint BFP and immediately starting to spot red blood afterwards, I just wanted to give up. There was no hope left in my heart.

I actually regret telling our families that we were going through this process. I know they are trying to be supportive but it makes me feel like s.hit every cycle when I get to tell them it didn't work again. Not to mention my mom loves her platitudes "all will be well" and really those kind of comments just make me angry. My family is convinced that now that my younger sister is pregnant (and apparently not cursed with genetic anomaly I have) that it will be my turn soon as well. I just need to keep trying--again could club them. I think it will be easier on me if they all think we've given up for awhile. I can cry on my husbands shoulder every cycle this doesn't work and not have to relay the details to my sister and mother.

I hope I don't sound too heartless. I really do love my family but right now they really aren't helping. I am trying to be supportive of my sister (who has hyperemesis) but it is so hard. Being infertile really sucks.

8dpiui or crazytown

I've convinced myself that I'm pregnant this cycle. Earlier I had red spotting for one wipe. Now my nipples are on fire. The only possible conclusion, I'm pregnant. After all, I more then deserve it. The only thing I had going for me before (we're talking ttc here) is that I could get pregnant fairly easily. Now, I'm not even doing that. It's been 6 months since my last miscarriage. I know that for many this doesn't seem like a long time. But, for me, it feels like a lifetime.

I guess I feel like if I get pregnant easily then I am better able to withstand the 10 miscarriages that might happen before I get my first take home baby. If I can't get pregnant easily then it just puts me that much farther away from my goal. And so I hope, that this is the cycle. I read way too much into symptoms that could just be leftover from the hcg trigger or the fertility medications I was on earlier this cycle. It's going to be a big disappointment if this cycle didn't work. We leave for vacation on Wednesday and depending on when AF shows up, we may have to sit out next cycle (med wise). Man, I hope this is it.

I'm back..

I got to head out on a nice little vacation for the weekend. A friend and I went to the west coast for a few days. The primary reason I was there was for a conference but I managed to squeeze some fun and sun in as well. It was a much needed break and has helped the 2ww progress a bit faster.

While I was there I had a bit of a scare with some bright red spotting happening out of nowhere. I'm only 4dpiui so there's no way that it could be implantation spotting. I guess I'm not sure what to think but one more thing to worry about and bring up at the next RE appointment.

My sister goes for her first doctor appointment this week. I'm nervous for her but hoping that all is well and goes well. She has tricare so I guess she's not sure if they will do an ultrasound for her at this appointment or not. I'm still feeling pretty sad about the whole situation but trying to be the bigger person and work through those feelings on my own.

A Ray of Sunshine?

I can check off the first of our IUIs. It went off without a hitch. I was a bit concerned that it would be cancelled. Last night and today I have had extreme abdominal/ovary pain. It's centered on the right ovary--which apparently has two big follicles. The pain was so bad I couldn't sleep on my side last night, nor am I easily able to bend over. I checked with my RE today and she said it's normal. So, we proceeded as scheduled.

Also, I found out that my insurance company will cover my injectables 100%. So, if this cycle doesn't work we can really bring out the big guns next cycle and hopefully get some more follicles. I was certain my prescription insurance didn't cover it (and it doesn't). However, apparently injectables are billed to the medical insurer and this is how they are a covered item. Hooray! That's mega bucks I don't have to worry about coming up with and a load of stress off my shoulders. Hoping, however, that this cycle will work and it will all be a non-issue.

Follie Check

IUI #1 and #2 will be Monday and Tuesday. Apparently the estrogen patches are working. My lining today was 8.2 and triple stripe. The doctor believes it'll grow even more by Monday. I'll have two follicles this cycle. Right now they are 16 and 20. I'm taking 2 more days of follistim to help the 2nd get larger. Already this cycle is better then the last. 1 more egg and a better lining. Here's hoping.

Pregnant

Nope, not me instead my little sister. Who apparently wasn't planning on trying until January and was shocked she got pregnant so easily! She's 7 weeks along now. This is farther then I've got in any pregnancy (other than my blighted ovum). She's majorly sick (like to the er sick) so I'm sure this is going to stick for her. When she told me this morning my heart literally sank. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for her...but also devastated. I've always been a really strong person but today is the first day I really cried about our infertility. It's just not fair that what comes so easily to what feels like everyone else is so hard for me. Even worse, my sister didn't even ask if I was ok or how I was handling the news. Just started crying and talking about how sick she has been. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to keep going from here but I know that I need to. We're never going to maintain a pregnancy if we don't just keep trying. If only this wasn't so hard.

Follie Update

So, not so good news to report. My lining is crap 6.8. I was put on estrogen patches to see if that helps thicken it at all. I've got 3 follies: 17, 13, and 10, plus a bunch of smaller ones that apparently don't count.

I was assertive today and told my RE that I don't understand why we're going for only 1-2 eggs. Apparently this is normal protocol for someone my age with RPL. After a bit of arguing we may have found some common ground. I understand where she's coming from as well but it seems pretty evident to me that most of my eggs are crap. So, I guess I'll see how my protocol changes next cycle. Already feeling pretty bummed about this one.

I Need to Be More Assertive

Well, I know what injectibles I'm going to be on (Follitism). However, my doctor's appointment was annoying. I go to a practice with two doctors. I saw one on Saturday. Dr. A told me I need to produce more eggs and basically my last cycle was crap because I only had 1 egg and not so great lining 7.8. Dr. A suggested injectibles after Clomid to get more eggs and better lining. While I have terrific medical insurance, I have terrible prescription insurance. So, Dr. A offered to give me samples.

Today I come to the office and see Dr. B (who is my normal doctor). Dr. B apparently has no idea I'm starting injectibles and instead mentions estrogen patches to increase my lining. After discussion with Dr. B about what Dr. A had told me on Saturday, I end up getting my injectibles. However, she only wants to give me a small dose because we only want 1-2 good eggs! I'm not sure if my RE is like everyone else's but my head is spinning by the time I leave. I see the Dr. for about 5 minutes (4 of which is procedure) and I get so much information thrown at me that I don't ask the right questions. So, I leave the office and think about what Dr. B said. Then, I start to get mad. Why didn't the doctors communicate with each other? Why is my treatment not more aggressive--clearly my eggs are crap! So, I've made a solemn promise to myself that Thursday (next appt) will be different. I'm going to say what I'm thinking and ask her to be aggressive.

In other news, I went out for Halloween and actually had a great time. We met up with a lot of friends and relaxed a bit.

This Time Last Year

I learned that my pregnancy was a blighted ovum. Instead of getting to go out with friends for Halloween and have fun, I spent the night on the couch waiting for the cytotec to work. I have to say, that has kind of ruined Halloween for me. This year I find myself not really being able to get excited about it. I'm going out tonight but afraid that I'm going to be miserable to be around.

In less depressing news, we are changing my protocol this cycle. Instead of using just clomid we're adding injectibles. My insurance won't cover fertility medication but my RE thinks he can get me samples for a couple of cycles--which is awesome! Apparently my last cycle I only had one good egg and my lining was thin. I wish they would have told me this then because I was thinking I had two eggs and my lining was ok. I guess they probably don't want to cause anxiety...but I was really disappointed when the last cycle didn't work. I would have been less so if I had known going in that things weren't looking that great.

AF Starts the Week

Sadly this cycle ended up with AF. Needless to say, I'm really disappointed. I was really hoping to get pregnant. Even if it didn't stick I would at least be making progress in the right direction. Alas, it was not to be. So, now I get to start this whole process over again. I'll be going to my RE's office tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers that there will not be any cysts and that we'll be able to squeeze another IUI in before I head off to a conference. Right now the timing is pretty precarious so I'm really hoping that it will work out. Will let you all know more tomorrow.

Implantation Dip

So, I had a crazy rise in temperature after a slight dip yesterday. I've been reading furiously on the internet and it seems that this might be an implantation dip. Of course, depending on what you read implantation dips may or may not exist. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/27445e

Now I have to wait patiently to see if this indeed is what it seems it may be. In the meantime I'm obsessing over every symptom. I have to pee more (check). I have sore breasts (check). I have cramping (check). Man, I hope this works and I'm actually pregnant this cycle. It's going to be a huge disappointment if I'm not.

Waiting Ever Waiting...

Can this 2ww go by any slower? Here I sit 6 dpiui and I feel like it's been an eternity. Luckily for me I have a super short luteal phase. So, in 5 days I should either see AF or hopefully be pregnant. If I am pregnant that will bring a whole other set of worries. But, I'm not going to think about that right now.

I've not had an IUI before so I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is normal. Dr. Google has almost convinced me that it is. I've had the worst cramps for the past few days. Normally, I am a minimal cramp kind of gal. Usually it's pretty calm for me. These are bad though. They hurt, they are annoying, and I want them to go away.

I'm going to be really disappointed if this doesn't work. I keep telling myself that'll we will just try again but the appointments and the missed work. I'm really not wanting to do that again if we don't have to. So, I'm crossing my fingers that this will be it. Only 4 more days until testing commences.

3dpiui

So, I'm going to try to spruce up my blog a bit over the next few days. I'm updating the design and trying to make it a bit more interesting. If you have feedback, let me know.

In fertility world I'm a few days past my first set of back to back IUIs. I've had a lot of cramping today--feels like pre AF. I'm not sure if that's normal or not but it's what is currently occurring. Work and home life have been crazy lately and I'm hoping that craziness will help this 2ww move quickly. I really, really hate waiting. In the meantime (trying to keep busy) I've been reading Outlander. I really like it so far and it's making me want to buy the rest of the books in the series.

Clomid and IUIs

So, apparently I am terrible at updating this blog. I promise to try to be more diligent in the future. I'm always annoyed when I start getting into someone's blog and they just stop posting..

So, I've moved on. After last month's BFN I decided to bring out the big guns and try clomid/IUIs. I've taken the clomid and had my ultrasound appointments and today will be my trigger and first IUI. I will go back for my second tomorrow morning. I've been a little disappointed in the egg results thus far. I'll definitely have 1...maybe 2. However, the whole goal of this was to create more eggs in the hope that one might be good. So, yeah a bit disappointed. It has, however, been fascinating to watch my cycle in progress. To see the lining start growing (hoping it's even better today to avoid estrogen patches) and to see the follicles. After these IUIs I'll officially be in the 2ww. I actually really don't like the 2ww. I'm not a patient person and it's torture wondering whether or not I'll be pregnant month after month. That being said, I at the very least feel like I'm taking a bit more control this cycle. We'll see what it brings and move forward from there. It's really all I can do.

And Another Negative

So, my period was two days late and I spotted starting at 5 dpo. I'm pretty sure I saw a faint line at 10 dpo and then nothing. So, maybe another chemical. Sigh...

With that news we've decided to move onto clomid/iui. I feel like I need to try something, anything different. The hope is we'll get more eggs and regulate my cycle/progesterone at the same time. Maybe with more eggs we will finally catch a good one?! That's the hope anyways. I'll be starting the process on Thursday with an ultrasound. I'm a little nervous as I was hoping not to get to this point. We are lucky though that we have decent insurance coverage and I feel like we should give it a shot now while we are able. Of course, I'll let you know how this goes and document the process.

One of Those Days

I'm having one of those days where I'm not sure if this is ever going to work out for us. I question how many more miscarriages I will be able to handle. How many more months of tracking ovulation, etc. I can mentally take. I feel strongly for you ladies who've been at this longer than me. Additionally, there are just so many things about this process that are annoying to me. For instance, I have ridiculously late ovulation. We're talking day 22-24 and I have only a ten day luteal phase. So, I feel that I spend most of my month just waiting to ovulate! And spend a ridiculous amount of money on fertility monitor sticks that continuously read low. Additionally, because I have a longer cycle then average I don't get as many tries as others during the course of a year.

As you may know, I'm getting older. So last night I was thinking if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant three more times in the next year that will put me at 32 1/2 with potential no children (I've seen ladies w/BTs with 8+miscarriages and no children). How much longer would I keep trying after that? Should I start looking into alternatives more seriously? These are all of the things I think about when I can't sleep and let the positivity drift a bit. Sometimes I wish we had started this process much earlier--but can't turn back time now. I at least have some satisfaction that we didn't wait as long as friends/family would have had us. So many times I got the so & so had her first baby at 37 and now she has 2 children. If I had waited until 37 I would have a much smaller chance of ever having a biological child... Now to break out of this funk.

On to Next Month

Sigh.. I was soo hoping that I would be lucky, hit the jackpot and get pregnant this month. Apparently that wasn't in the cards. After every symptom in the book AF came on time. Now, I get to start all over again and hope that next month will be the month. If so, it'll bring me right back to when I got pregnant last September at what was the start of this never-ending journey. I was oblivious then to my future struggles. When the lines on the HPT continued to get darker and I had no spotting or bleeding I assumed everything was going to be ok. Then, I get to my appt at 8 weeks and find out there is only a sac and I'm assumed to have a blighted ovum. Fluke, right? Now after 2 more miscarriages there are days when hope is really hard to find. Sometimes I get so sick of the temping, charting, timing, etc....for what? This is the last month I have to try to get pregnant on my own before the RE recommends trying IUI and fertility drugs. I'd like to give it one more all natural shot...If only there was a mirror to look into the future. Sometimes I think that would just make everything so much easier.

And We Have A Plan.

Finally, we have a plan. After multiple visits and tests with the RE, MFM, and Genetics Office we've come to an agreement. Here it is: For the next two cycles I will try to get pregnant on my own. RE is fairly confident that we will be able to get pregnant in that time span. If I am lucky, we will support the pregnancy via progesterone and hopefully all will proceed well. If I miscarry again, then we will move onto IUI and fertility meds for a few cycles. The hope here is that more eggs may allow us to catch a good one (finally). If this still doesn't work then we will look to IVF and PGD. Our insurance company will hopefully cover this for us--or we will not be able to afford it. I'm hoping, however, that we never get to that point. Of course, I'm hoping that this next pregnancy will work out and we'll finally have our take home baby. So, now I try getting pregnant. I haven't ovulated yet this cycle but it should be coming soon.

I'm really happy that we finally have a plan. Even better, it is pretty similar to what my husband and I had discussed when we have talked about how to proceed. IVF for us is a last resort and we're hoping that we will have luck before then. I feel much better now that I now how we are proceeding and am feeling supported by our RE. In the meantime, I'm trying not to stress about baby making. We're planning some vacations and hoping to get away for awhile. Try to relax and de-stress.

And Still Waiting...

So, I went to the geneticist and found out some good news. Apparently my risk of miscarriage is only slightly increased from my translocation (about 5%). I also only have a very small risk of carrying an unbalanced child to term (about 3%). Those numbers, of course, led the doctor to wonder if there could be something else going on besides the translocation.

Since my appointment with the geneticist, I have yet to hear from my RE. I'd like to get the show on the road and figure out what our plan of attack will be. Because I've been expecting a phone call from their office, I didn't worry that I was running out of the birth control pills they requested I take. Though, I don't see any reason why I should be taking them now. They were originally given to me because the RE was concerned that I may not be able to have a genetically healthy child. Obviously, that is no longer the case. Typically, I would call the doctor and ask whether I should continue taking the pill. However, I guess I'm not very motivated to continue taking it.... So, I don't call and I wait for their call. And I wait and wait and wait. Sigh... I feel like every month I'm not pregnant is another month wasted. Especially because I'm so unsure about how many more miscarriages I may need to go through before I have a child.

The Waiting Game

I've been patiently waiting. Well as patiently as I am able to wait. I finally got in to see the specialist this week that was supposed to tell us everything about our translocation (REs) words. Unfortunately he was unable to tell us anything we didn't already know. So after waiting a month to get into see him, I'm now being sent to someone else. I have more faith in this next appointment but to say I'm frustrated would be an understatement. All Mr F and I want to know is whether we are able to biologically conceive our own child. If so, then we have already decided we're willing to keep playing the odds game and will survive any losses that come our way. However, our RE has us on birth control because he wants to make sure natural is the best decision--the other would be IVF w/PGD ($20k price tag for those unfamiliar). So, here we sit in this purgatory. Wasting time and waiting for answers.

On the subject of wasting time, I am so sick of Drs telling me not to worry and that I'm young. Granted I'm in my early 30s. This is probably on the young side for those visiting REs. However, it is abundantly clear that it's not going to be an easy road for me to have a child. This BT complicates everything. Just having a child may take years and I'd like at least 2. So, don't on one hand tell me to try to have all my children by 35 and then on the other tell me how young I am. I don't really understand how that math works out.

I'm really just kind of in a bad mood right now. I just want some answers so Mr F and I can make a decision on how we want to proceed in building our family. Supposedly, we may get them next week. With the way things have been going, I'm not holding my breath.

Current Ruminations

I have been on vacation for the last 2 weeks and it was wonderful. Even more exciting, I come back to visit my blog and I have comments! Thanks so much for your support. I thought for sure I would be mostly writing this to myself. Mr F and I had a great break from work and thinking about babies. We visited family and friends that we haven't seen for awhile. I was a bit worried as there were a lot of new babies to visit. My best friend and her 3 day old son, my husbands cousins 5 month old, and my new 5 month old nephew. I wasn't sure how I would handle being around them all but I'm happy to say I did really well. It definitely reaffirmed my desire to have our own children. I also found out that several cousins on my mothers side are having difficulty conceiving. My mother is fairly certain that the BT is from her and now my extended family is wanting to be tested for this as well. I'm hoping for all of them that they aren't affected as my journey thus far hasn't been fun.

On the doctor front I visit the specialist on Wednesday to determine exactly "how bad" my balanced translocation is and what the likelihood of us having a biological child will be. Our RE is pushing us towards IVF w/PGD but doesn't want to battle with the insurance company until we figure out exactly what our odds are. I'm torn as the opinions of whether IVF w/PGD is the best option for a BT are extremely varied. Not to mention this procedure is extremely expensive. So, many unknowns. Many times I think it would be wonderful if we could just be told that something will or not work with 100% accuracy.

I said I would talk about books as well and I've read a lot of them recently. 20 hours on planes and in airports provides a lot of time to read. I'm recently really into fantasy, including stories about vampires. I also like mysteries. While I was gone I read grave sight by Charlene Harris and quite enjoyed it. I also read the vampire chronicles as I hadn't yet read the series. I wasn't overly impressed as I think I had hyped it up far too much in my mind. Finally, I rounded my reading off with the morganville vampire series. They are written for young adults--but I have to admit I'm ok with that. Overall an enjoyable first two books and I'm looking forward to reading the next few.

Another day, Another pregnancy

I spent the whole of yesterday at a bbq on the beach. Not a bad way to spend a Sunday. However, the fun was dampened a bit when yet another friend announced their pregnancy to the thirty or so of us in attendance. Most mind blowing was that she was exactly 4 weeks and 1 day along. Yep, she had gotten the positive test the day before. Of course I'm excited for her but it was hard to spend the next hour or so talking about how excited she was, baby names, symptoms etc. I also couldn't help but feel a little wistful that I will never have that level of excitement again. I was just thinking the day before that we might not even be able to tell anyone anything until 20 weeks and a successful amnio. It's maddening that this process has become so terrifying for us that we can't even become excited until that point. Meanwhile my friend is already thinking baby names and nursery furniture. I'm feeling sorry for myself now so I think this is enough for today.

HSG's are a lot of Fun!

Over the course of miscarriage testing and pregnancies that are doomed to end, I must have given at least 30 vials of blood. You would think that this would be torture enough for most people. After all this bloodwork, I was recently diagnosed with a crappy genetic condition. Because that seems to be what is making my eggs useless, I had hoped my testing would be over. So, imagine my great delight when I found out that I would also get to have an HSG before we could discuss a plan of attack. Dr's words--just so we can make sure there is nothing else wrong with you. I love my RE but seriously isn't having this really cool genetic problem enough?

This is what brought me back to the hospital on Wednesday. (Speaking of, since was around my 400th appointment is anyone else running out of excuses for snoopy co-workers?) Upon check-in (be there 30 minutes early so you can sit in the waiting room for 25 of them surrounded by children), I got a really cool plastic bracelet put on my wrist and was ushered into a radiology room. As usual, I had done plenty of reading up on the procedure via the internet and what I found was not reassuring. Words like "worst pain ever" and "almost worse then childbirth" were not uncommon. Imagine my surprise when the torture session was done in less then 2 minutes--I barely felt it. So, fear not other HSG participants. You may be one of the lucky ones who don't have a lot of pain. It was actually pretty cool as I got to watch the dye go through my uterus and tubes--which are perfect by the way. So, now onto plan of attack. Next week me and MrF will meet with our RE to determine exactly what our options our. I have to say, I'm excited (well, and nervous of course).

In non baby news, I've read a few books this week. A friend gave me "Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest" and it was an interesting read. A nice conclusion to the series. Right now I'm i the middle of "Bite Me" and I can't decide if I like it or not. I'll let you know when I finish. I've got a long plane ride coming up soon (going on vacation) and plenty of time to continue towards my goal of reading the top 100 Modern Library books.

My Foray Into Blogging

So, I've decided to start a blog. Mostly, I'm starting this blog to chronicle my trials and hopefully triumphs in the baby department. I was recently diagnosed with a balanced translocation (after 4 miscarriages) and have quickly realized that it's not going to be easy to have a baby.

That being said, I don't want this blog to be all doom and gloom. So, I plan to talk about my other interests and life activities as well. I like books, a lot...and I'll probably mention those I'm reading throughout the course of my blog. My current plan is to read all 100 of the Modern Library's books. So far, I've read 5 (Lolita, 1984, Animal Farm, A Room with A View, and The Call of the Wild).