8dpiui or crazytown

I've convinced myself that I'm pregnant this cycle. Earlier I had red spotting for one wipe. Now my nipples are on fire. The only possible conclusion, I'm pregnant. After all, I more then deserve it. The only thing I had going for me before (we're talking ttc here) is that I could get pregnant fairly easily. Now, I'm not even doing that. It's been 6 months since my last miscarriage. I know that for many this doesn't seem like a long time. But, for me, it feels like a lifetime.

I guess I feel like if I get pregnant easily then I am better able to withstand the 10 miscarriages that might happen before I get my first take home baby. If I can't get pregnant easily then it just puts me that much farther away from my goal. And so I hope, that this is the cycle. I read way too much into symptoms that could just be leftover from the hcg trigger or the fertility medications I was on earlier this cycle. It's going to be a big disappointment if this cycle didn't work. We leave for vacation on Wednesday and depending on when AF shows up, we may have to sit out next cycle (med wise). Man, I hope this is it.

I'm back..

I got to head out on a nice little vacation for the weekend. A friend and I went to the west coast for a few days. The primary reason I was there was for a conference but I managed to squeeze some fun and sun in as well. It was a much needed break and has helped the 2ww progress a bit faster.

While I was there I had a bit of a scare with some bright red spotting happening out of nowhere. I'm only 4dpiui so there's no way that it could be implantation spotting. I guess I'm not sure what to think but one more thing to worry about and bring up at the next RE appointment.

My sister goes for her first doctor appointment this week. I'm nervous for her but hoping that all is well and goes well. She has tricare so I guess she's not sure if they will do an ultrasound for her at this appointment or not. I'm still feeling pretty sad about the whole situation but trying to be the bigger person and work through those feelings on my own.

A Ray of Sunshine?

I can check off the first of our IUIs. It went off without a hitch. I was a bit concerned that it would be cancelled. Last night and today I have had extreme abdominal/ovary pain. It's centered on the right ovary--which apparently has two big follicles. The pain was so bad I couldn't sleep on my side last night, nor am I easily able to bend over. I checked with my RE today and she said it's normal. So, we proceeded as scheduled.

Also, I found out that my insurance company will cover my injectables 100%. So, if this cycle doesn't work we can really bring out the big guns next cycle and hopefully get some more follicles. I was certain my prescription insurance didn't cover it (and it doesn't). However, apparently injectables are billed to the medical insurer and this is how they are a covered item. Hooray! That's mega bucks I don't have to worry about coming up with and a load of stress off my shoulders. Hoping, however, that this cycle will work and it will all be a non-issue.

Follie Check

IUI #1 and #2 will be Monday and Tuesday. Apparently the estrogen patches are working. My lining today was 8.2 and triple stripe. The doctor believes it'll grow even more by Monday. I'll have two follicles this cycle. Right now they are 16 and 20. I'm taking 2 more days of follistim to help the 2nd get larger. Already this cycle is better then the last. 1 more egg and a better lining. Here's hoping.

Pregnant

Nope, not me instead my little sister. Who apparently wasn't planning on trying until January and was shocked she got pregnant so easily! She's 7 weeks along now. This is farther then I've got in any pregnancy (other than my blighted ovum). She's majorly sick (like to the er sick) so I'm sure this is going to stick for her. When she told me this morning my heart literally sank. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for her...but also devastated. I've always been a really strong person but today is the first day I really cried about our infertility. It's just not fair that what comes so easily to what feels like everyone else is so hard for me. Even worse, my sister didn't even ask if I was ok or how I was handling the news. Just started crying and talking about how sick she has been. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to keep going from here but I know that I need to. We're never going to maintain a pregnancy if we don't just keep trying. If only this wasn't so hard.

Follie Update

So, not so good news to report. My lining is crap 6.8. I was put on estrogen patches to see if that helps thicken it at all. I've got 3 follies: 17, 13, and 10, plus a bunch of smaller ones that apparently don't count.

I was assertive today and told my RE that I don't understand why we're going for only 1-2 eggs. Apparently this is normal protocol for someone my age with RPL. After a bit of arguing we may have found some common ground. I understand where she's coming from as well but it seems pretty evident to me that most of my eggs are crap. So, I guess I'll see how my protocol changes next cycle. Already feeling pretty bummed about this one.

I Need to Be More Assertive

Well, I know what injectibles I'm going to be on (Follitism). However, my doctor's appointment was annoying. I go to a practice with two doctors. I saw one on Saturday. Dr. A told me I need to produce more eggs and basically my last cycle was crap because I only had 1 egg and not so great lining 7.8. Dr. A suggested injectibles after Clomid to get more eggs and better lining. While I have terrific medical insurance, I have terrible prescription insurance. So, Dr. A offered to give me samples.

Today I come to the office and see Dr. B (who is my normal doctor). Dr. B apparently has no idea I'm starting injectibles and instead mentions estrogen patches to increase my lining. After discussion with Dr. B about what Dr. A had told me on Saturday, I end up getting my injectibles. However, she only wants to give me a small dose because we only want 1-2 good eggs! I'm not sure if my RE is like everyone else's but my head is spinning by the time I leave. I see the Dr. for about 5 minutes (4 of which is procedure) and I get so much information thrown at me that I don't ask the right questions. So, I leave the office and think about what Dr. B said. Then, I start to get mad. Why didn't the doctors communicate with each other? Why is my treatment not more aggressive--clearly my eggs are crap! So, I've made a solemn promise to myself that Thursday (next appt) will be different. I'm going to say what I'm thinking and ask her to be aggressive.

In other news, I went out for Halloween and actually had a great time. We met up with a lot of friends and relaxed a bit.

This Time Last Year

I learned that my pregnancy was a blighted ovum. Instead of getting to go out with friends for Halloween and have fun, I spent the night on the couch waiting for the cytotec to work. I have to say, that has kind of ruined Halloween for me. This year I find myself not really being able to get excited about it. I'm going out tonight but afraid that I'm going to be miserable to be around.

In less depressing news, we are changing my protocol this cycle. Instead of using just clomid we're adding injectibles. My insurance won't cover fertility medication but my RE thinks he can get me samples for a couple of cycles--which is awesome! Apparently my last cycle I only had one good egg and my lining was thin. I wish they would have told me this then because I was thinking I had two eggs and my lining was ok. I guess they probably don't want to cause anxiety...but I was really disappointed when the last cycle didn't work. I would have been less so if I had known going in that things weren't looking that great.

AF Starts the Week

Sadly this cycle ended up with AF. Needless to say, I'm really disappointed. I was really hoping to get pregnant. Even if it didn't stick I would at least be making progress in the right direction. Alas, it was not to be. So, now I get to start this whole process over again. I'll be going to my RE's office tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers that there will not be any cysts and that we'll be able to squeeze another IUI in before I head off to a conference. Right now the timing is pretty precarious so I'm really hoping that it will work out. Will let you all know more tomorrow.

Implantation Dip

So, I had a crazy rise in temperature after a slight dip yesterday. I've been reading furiously on the internet and it seems that this might be an implantation dip. Of course, depending on what you read implantation dips may or may not exist. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/27445e

Now I have to wait patiently to see if this indeed is what it seems it may be. In the meantime I'm obsessing over every symptom. I have to pee more (check). I have sore breasts (check). I have cramping (check). Man, I hope this works and I'm actually pregnant this cycle. It's going to be a huge disappointment if I'm not.

Waiting Ever Waiting...

Can this 2ww go by any slower? Here I sit 6 dpiui and I feel like it's been an eternity. Luckily for me I have a super short luteal phase. So, in 5 days I should either see AF or hopefully be pregnant. If I am pregnant that will bring a whole other set of worries. But, I'm not going to think about that right now.

I've not had an IUI before so I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is normal. Dr. Google has almost convinced me that it is. I've had the worst cramps for the past few days. Normally, I am a minimal cramp kind of gal. Usually it's pretty calm for me. These are bad though. They hurt, they are annoying, and I want them to go away.

I'm going to be really disappointed if this doesn't work. I keep telling myself that'll we will just try again but the appointments and the missed work. I'm really not wanting to do that again if we don't have to. So, I'm crossing my fingers that this will be it. Only 4 more days until testing commences.

3dpiui

So, I'm going to try to spruce up my blog a bit over the next few days. I'm updating the design and trying to make it a bit more interesting. If you have feedback, let me know.

In fertility world I'm a few days past my first set of back to back IUIs. I've had a lot of cramping today--feels like pre AF. I'm not sure if that's normal or not but it's what is currently occurring. Work and home life have been crazy lately and I'm hoping that craziness will help this 2ww move quickly. I really, really hate waiting. In the meantime (trying to keep busy) I've been reading Outlander. I really like it so far and it's making me want to buy the rest of the books in the series.