Holy follicles!

So my IUIs are scheduled for Monday and Tuesday morning. I get to give myself my trigger shot tomorrow morning. This will be the first time I give myself this shot, so I'm a little nervous. I think the timing will be better, however, then the past IUIs. Usually my clinic gives the trigger the same time as IUI #1 which has never made much sense to me.

My lining is crazy thick 14mm. I consulted dr. google and am a bit concerned that it may be too thick. Opinions seem to widely vary. So, for the follies...I have 3 above 18. 2 currently at 16 and 1 at 13. I'm hoping that the 2 at 16 will catch-up and research makes it seem like they probably will. So, anywhere from 3-5 follies. Yea! My RE is a little nervous about letting me trigger with this many follies. However, because I have such crappy eggs I'm not really worried about multiples.

I've been reading others stories about their IUIs and it seems like most ladies have blood tests done to test E2 levels. I've never had this done and am curious as to why. Another question to ask my RE. Anyways, hope you all have a great weekend!

A Relaxing Thanksgiving

I had a wonderful time in Las Vegas. We ate until we could eat no more and visited a couple restaurants we were really excited about trying. Of course, the vacation flew by and it was extremely difficult to return to work on Monday morning.

I had my first follie appointment on Monday. I'm doing pretty well. My lining is 6.7 (hoping that increases by my next appointment on Thursday). I have four follies (2 on each side) that are around the same size and 6-10 that are not far behind. Of course, I got the speech about possible cancellation if there are too many--but my RE seems to be behind being more aggressive this cycle. So, hopefully on Thursday there will be 4 eggs and a perfect lining. A girl can dream, right?

My sister had her first scan and all is well. Her due date is the day after my birthday. Really, really hoping that I'm successfully pregnant by that point.

Follistim it is

All follistim, yea! No more crappy clomid to wreck my lining. I'm doing 75iu until Monday and then in for a follie check. Very thankful that my insurance covers the medication because it would be $900 without the coverage. Yikes.

We're leaving for vacation tomorrow. We're heading to Vegas to eat our hearts out. I'm a little worried about taking the meds on the plane but I think I've got what I need. I just have to find someplace that will give me ice for my pen. Speaking of keeping follistim cold--I was never told that I needed to do this before. So, last cycle the meds were room temperature. I'm hoping this didn't cause any problems. Oops.

My sister was supposed to meet us on this trip. Unfortunately her and her husband not able to come because of her extreme morning sickness. So, it'll be just me and my husband. A nice little vacation with just the two of us. See you all when I get back.

I Love my Family but...

I lied to my mother yesterday. I told her that we had decided to take a break for awhile. I told her I was thinking about going back on birth control. I told her then I wouldn't have to worry about whether I was pregnant or not every month and I could quit being disappointed.

Yesterday, I actually felt this way. I seriously was considering throwing in the towel. After getting a faint BFP and immediately starting to spot red blood afterwards, I just wanted to give up. There was no hope left in my heart.

I actually regret telling our families that we were going through this process. I know they are trying to be supportive but it makes me feel like s.hit every cycle when I get to tell them it didn't work again. Not to mention my mom loves her platitudes "all will be well" and really those kind of comments just make me angry. My family is convinced that now that my younger sister is pregnant (and apparently not cursed with genetic anomaly I have) that it will be my turn soon as well. I just need to keep trying--again could club them. I think it will be easier on me if they all think we've given up for awhile. I can cry on my husbands shoulder every cycle this doesn't work and not have to relay the details to my sister and mother.

I hope I don't sound too heartless. I really do love my family but right now they really aren't helping. I am trying to be supportive of my sister (who has hyperemesis) but it is so hard. Being infertile really sucks.

8dpiui or crazytown

I've convinced myself that I'm pregnant this cycle. Earlier I had red spotting for one wipe. Now my nipples are on fire. The only possible conclusion, I'm pregnant. After all, I more then deserve it. The only thing I had going for me before (we're talking ttc here) is that I could get pregnant fairly easily. Now, I'm not even doing that. It's been 6 months since my last miscarriage. I know that for many this doesn't seem like a long time. But, for me, it feels like a lifetime.

I guess I feel like if I get pregnant easily then I am better able to withstand the 10 miscarriages that might happen before I get my first take home baby. If I can't get pregnant easily then it just puts me that much farther away from my goal. And so I hope, that this is the cycle. I read way too much into symptoms that could just be leftover from the hcg trigger or the fertility medications I was on earlier this cycle. It's going to be a big disappointment if this cycle didn't work. We leave for vacation on Wednesday and depending on when AF shows up, we may have to sit out next cycle (med wise). Man, I hope this is it.

I'm back..

I got to head out on a nice little vacation for the weekend. A friend and I went to the west coast for a few days. The primary reason I was there was for a conference but I managed to squeeze some fun and sun in as well. It was a much needed break and has helped the 2ww progress a bit faster.

While I was there I had a bit of a scare with some bright red spotting happening out of nowhere. I'm only 4dpiui so there's no way that it could be implantation spotting. I guess I'm not sure what to think but one more thing to worry about and bring up at the next RE appointment.

My sister goes for her first doctor appointment this week. I'm nervous for her but hoping that all is well and goes well. She has tricare so I guess she's not sure if they will do an ultrasound for her at this appointment or not. I'm still feeling pretty sad about the whole situation but trying to be the bigger person and work through those feelings on my own.

A Ray of Sunshine?

I can check off the first of our IUIs. It went off without a hitch. I was a bit concerned that it would be cancelled. Last night and today I have had extreme abdominal/ovary pain. It's centered on the right ovary--which apparently has two big follicles. The pain was so bad I couldn't sleep on my side last night, nor am I easily able to bend over. I checked with my RE today and she said it's normal. So, we proceeded as scheduled.

Also, I found out that my insurance company will cover my injectables 100%. So, if this cycle doesn't work we can really bring out the big guns next cycle and hopefully get some more follicles. I was certain my prescription insurance didn't cover it (and it doesn't). However, apparently injectables are billed to the medical insurer and this is how they are a covered item. Hooray! That's mega bucks I don't have to worry about coming up with and a load of stress off my shoulders. Hoping, however, that this cycle will work and it will all be a non-issue.

Follie Check

IUI #1 and #2 will be Monday and Tuesday. Apparently the estrogen patches are working. My lining today was 8.2 and triple stripe. The doctor believes it'll grow even more by Monday. I'll have two follicles this cycle. Right now they are 16 and 20. I'm taking 2 more days of follistim to help the 2nd get larger. Already this cycle is better then the last. 1 more egg and a better lining. Here's hoping.

Pregnant

Nope, not me instead my little sister. Who apparently wasn't planning on trying until January and was shocked she got pregnant so easily! She's 7 weeks along now. This is farther then I've got in any pregnancy (other than my blighted ovum). She's majorly sick (like to the er sick) so I'm sure this is going to stick for her. When she told me this morning my heart literally sank. Don't get me wrong I'm happy for her...but also devastated. I've always been a really strong person but today is the first day I really cried about our infertility. It's just not fair that what comes so easily to what feels like everyone else is so hard for me. Even worse, my sister didn't even ask if I was ok or how I was handling the news. Just started crying and talking about how sick she has been. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to keep going from here but I know that I need to. We're never going to maintain a pregnancy if we don't just keep trying. If only this wasn't so hard.

Follie Update

So, not so good news to report. My lining is crap 6.8. I was put on estrogen patches to see if that helps thicken it at all. I've got 3 follies: 17, 13, and 10, plus a bunch of smaller ones that apparently don't count.

I was assertive today and told my RE that I don't understand why we're going for only 1-2 eggs. Apparently this is normal protocol for someone my age with RPL. After a bit of arguing we may have found some common ground. I understand where she's coming from as well but it seems pretty evident to me that most of my eggs are crap. So, I guess I'll see how my protocol changes next cycle. Already feeling pretty bummed about this one.

I Need to Be More Assertive

Well, I know what injectibles I'm going to be on (Follitism). However, my doctor's appointment was annoying. I go to a practice with two doctors. I saw one on Saturday. Dr. A told me I need to produce more eggs and basically my last cycle was crap because I only had 1 egg and not so great lining 7.8. Dr. A suggested injectibles after Clomid to get more eggs and better lining. While I have terrific medical insurance, I have terrible prescription insurance. So, Dr. A offered to give me samples.

Today I come to the office and see Dr. B (who is my normal doctor). Dr. B apparently has no idea I'm starting injectibles and instead mentions estrogen patches to increase my lining. After discussion with Dr. B about what Dr. A had told me on Saturday, I end up getting my injectibles. However, she only wants to give me a small dose because we only want 1-2 good eggs! I'm not sure if my RE is like everyone else's but my head is spinning by the time I leave. I see the Dr. for about 5 minutes (4 of which is procedure) and I get so much information thrown at me that I don't ask the right questions. So, I leave the office and think about what Dr. B said. Then, I start to get mad. Why didn't the doctors communicate with each other? Why is my treatment not more aggressive--clearly my eggs are crap! So, I've made a solemn promise to myself that Thursday (next appt) will be different. I'm going to say what I'm thinking and ask her to be aggressive.

In other news, I went out for Halloween and actually had a great time. We met up with a lot of friends and relaxed a bit.

This Time Last Year

I learned that my pregnancy was a blighted ovum. Instead of getting to go out with friends for Halloween and have fun, I spent the night on the couch waiting for the cytotec to work. I have to say, that has kind of ruined Halloween for me. This year I find myself not really being able to get excited about it. I'm going out tonight but afraid that I'm going to be miserable to be around.

In less depressing news, we are changing my protocol this cycle. Instead of using just clomid we're adding injectibles. My insurance won't cover fertility medication but my RE thinks he can get me samples for a couple of cycles--which is awesome! Apparently my last cycle I only had one good egg and my lining was thin. I wish they would have told me this then because I was thinking I had two eggs and my lining was ok. I guess they probably don't want to cause anxiety...but I was really disappointed when the last cycle didn't work. I would have been less so if I had known going in that things weren't looking that great.