Potentially, Possibly More Confused

I think I am becoming “that” patient. You know, the one that second guesses the doctor and asks all sorts of “annoying” questions.

I had my consult today. It wasn’t with my preferred RE but instead with her partner. He spent about 30 minutes explaining IVF to me. Luckily, because of the many blogs I’ve read, I already had an idea what the process would entail. It sounds like we will be doing the  long protocol and shooting for about 20 eggs. Apparently, this is a plausible number based on my previous response to injectibles and the number of resting follicles I have. We will then probably use ICSI to fertilize the embryos and send them away for pgd. I was told that he estimates a 50% likelihood that this will work for us (not sure how this number was estimated).

I am being scheduled for a hysteroscopy next month. If anyone has any words of advice, again they would be appreciated. I expressed concerns about my lining (it was 14.7 at last IUI). I was told it’s okay because my lining goes way back down at the beginning of my cycle. However, I also indicated that I haven’t got a bfp since last May. Before shelling out money, time, and energy for IVF I want to make sure nothing else is going on. So, the doctor said a hysteroscopy would be a good way to do this.

In the meantime, supposedly they are speaking to two different pgd labs to determine what is the best route for our situation is. Apparently, we will then begin the process of building the pgd probe. Once the probe is complete, I will be called in to start bcp and will stay on this for 10-14 days. I’m still a bit fuzzy on when I will be hearing about the probe and have my consultation with the genetics lab. If I haven’t heard anything by next week I am going to call and bother them again. It will likely take 2-3 months for the probe to be complete. In the meantime, I will be on no drugs. I’ll be completing my annual exam (yippee) and completing the hysteroscopy. As long as both of those are clear as soon as the probe is ready, we will be in business.

So, we’re looking at around May-June. I’m guessing it’s probably going to end up being July. Mr. F and I are planning a trip to Asia in June and I don’t imagine that ivf will fit well into this. I guess we’ll play it by ear and see how long the pgd lab takes. I’m really, really looking forward to the months of from monitoring and drugs. Of course, in the back of mind, I’m hoping that I’ll get that miracle natural bfp so many ladies have been getting. However, even if I don’t, I think it will be good for myself and Mr. F to get a little break.

There also seems to be a bit of confusion between the insurance company and my REs office. No one seems to be able to really tell me how much this is going to cost. I have a $1200 out of pocket maximum. So, this would seem to mean that I would pay no more than $1200. However, my REs office asks for $2k up front and then provided a host of other charges. I asked if I would then get reimbursed and I think they were really confused. Insurance company says yes, I will pay no more than $1200. So, I’m going to pretend this will work out in our favor and hold onto that $1200 like a life preserver. Either way, I know that we are getting a huge bargain. We would never move forward with this if we had to pay $20k. So, that’s it for now. We’ll see where this leads us. 

Consult Tomorrow

So, my consultation is tomorrow. Thanks so much for your questions and suggestions. I made a list and I will be speaking to my RE about each of them.  I also wanted to provide some information for those of you asking questions about PGD and my clinic.

PGD has been found to be useful for translocation carriers. It is one of the recommended course of treatments. It has been very successful for some and extremely unsuccessful for others. As a course of treatment for my BT, I’ve been told donor eggs, continue trying naturally (and withstand the miscarriages) or ivf/pgd. I’ve been trying superovulation in the hopes that a good egg would fertilize and implant. However, I’ve had no success.

My insurance will only cover ivf/pgd if I use specific doctors and stay in network. My geographic location and insurance coverage really preclude us from going anywhere else right now. I’ve looked up the SART rates for clinics in network and IVF success rates hover around 40%. At my particular clinic I am the only patient with a BT (honestly wouldn’t doubt if I’m the only one in the area). The clinic I am at has used pgd only 1-2x before. The SART rates seem to reflect even less usage at other clinics in network.

So, that being said, I feel like I’m forging this path all by myself. I’ve went back and forth between using PGD or instead pursuing an aggressive transfer (meaning 5+ embryos). I’ve seen both methods work for BT carriers. One woman implanted 9 untested embryos and ended up with twins. Most other aggressive transfers either failed or ended up with singleton pregnancies.

I have a lot of questions that I don’t think will be answered at my consultation. I know from reading others experiences that a probe will need to be built. My understanding is this can take up to 12 weeks. In the meantime, I’m not sure what my RE will want to do. However, I’m leaning toward drug free (including bcps) for the 2-3 months it takes to build the probe. I’d like to give my body time to be hormone free, continuing losing the weight that’s crept on, and just generally take care of myself. We will continue ttc those 2 months with the assumption it’s probably not going to work but worth a shot.

I’m also interested to see how this will affect cycling. I imagine most people who go in for a consult and ready to start the process. I feel like I’m a long way off still. So, not sure how helpful this consultation is really going to be. I often feel like all I do is sit and wait; for tests, a new cycle, impending miscarriage, etc. Unfortunately I am not a patient person.

Of course, I’ll let you all know how it goes tomorrow. Hopefully I come away with fewer questions instead of more. 

IVF It is, I think..

So, AF arrived today--even through the progesterone. Clearly this cycle was a bust even with the faint bfp internet cheapies. I called my clinic and set up an IVF consultation appointment for Tuesday. I asked for the appointment to be a combo questions for my RE/IVF appointment. I want to make sure that this is where the RE thinks we should go next. I wouldn't be surprised if she said to try one more IUI cycle.
I've been trying to think of questions to ask at the appointment. So, if anyone has anything they wish they would have asked or think is really important to ask, please let me know. So far, I want to make sure that going forward doesn't preclude us from moving backwards if the IVF fails. My insurance will only cover 1x IVF and then I'll have to switch providers to get coverage 1 more time. In the meantime, I want to make sure that I can go back to IUIs if I want to. I also want to ask if there is any possibility that I could have scar tissue, etc that is preventing implantation. I had a HSG months ago and it came back normal. However, Dr. Google tells me that an HSG doesn't pick up all abnormalities. Some REs have their patients do laps before IVF and I want to get my REs point of view on this. Anything else? Thanks so much everyone for your words of advice and support thus far. It is greatly appreciated!

12dpiui and IVF/PGD

Well, I took a FRER this morning and it was starkly negative. The ic has the same faint line as yesterday. Not sure what to think. Normally this is the point where I would stop progesterone and let AF come. I decided, however, to give it one more day. If I get another faint line tomorrow I'm not taking any more progesterone. Sigh.

I'm starting to worry that there is something wrong with me besides the bt. The first year we were ttc I managed to get pregnant 3 times unassisted. This year I have got pregnant 0 times and this is with assistance. It seems strange to me that with the extra eggs, progesterone, and perfect timing nothing is sticking. Even if it only lasted a week--I could at least feel like something was happening.

Now the question is where do we go from here. Before I thought, I'll try this one more time. Now, I'm not so sure. We have awesome insurance. Even so, with co-pays and sperm washes we've spent $1500 on 5 iui's. Each of which has proved to be a big failure. I'm approved for IVF and PGD. For ladies without bt's--this is by no means a slam dunk for those of us with them. There are many, many stories of 20 plus fertilized eggs and not a single 1 that isn't affected with some chromosomal problem. Like I said, I have awesome insurance (which I am extremely grateful for) and IVF/PGD would cost us around $1200. We've got the money but I'm still hesitant. I'm not sure why..maybe fear or the thought of getting 0 good eggs. I'm leaning more towards going for it..Screw doing another IUI and bring out the big guns. Mr F and I will be moving sometime in the near future and more then likely this is the only time/place where we will be willing to do pgd. If we're going to spend big money it's going to be on a DE cycle--the odds are just much better there. So, what do you all think? Does anyone have any words of advice for me? They would be much, much appreciated.

11 dpiui

Yes, I tested. Is it positive? Who would know--it seems to be the story of my testing after IUIs. This time, I tested the trigger out of my system on internet cheapies. Mostly, because I was sick of seeing super, super faint lines around this time and wondering trigger or chemical. There was no line yesterday, the test was completely blank. Today, a super, super faint line. I will post it so you can all see (or more then likely not see) what I am talking about.  I hope you greatly appreciate that it is sitting on a TP roll--it's dry though I swear.

I'm not really feeling it though. I've been cramping since yesterday. Usually AF would be here today but due to the progesterone it is being held off. I have a horrible headache--also an AF symptom and my skin went haywire seemingly overnight. All signs point to AF. So, why IC must you torture me this way? Does this mean that I've been having chemical pregnancy after chemical pregnancy after IUI? It just seems so weird to me that the line would be gone yesterday and then come back (albeit lightly) to haunt me.

ICLW

Welcome! I feel like I was just doing this--the month has flown by. A post about our journey can be found  below.

I'm currently 8dpiui. Have been testing out trigger this cycle--it's still there though extremely, extremely faint. Will test for real on Wed. Crossing my fingers this is our cycle. Looking forward to getting to know all of you!

Slow Week

It's been a pretty boring and slow week here so far. I've been slogging away planning my sisters shower. I've picked out the invitations--now just have to get them printed. I'm also looking at ideas for favors and party games. As time goes on, it seems to be getting easier to think about her baby. Maybe I just have more optimism now then I did before--or the shock has worn off a bit. I keep thinking someday soon it will be my turn and that seems to make it a bit more bearable.

To completely change subjects, I wonder if any of you have used crinone before? I've had cramping since my IUI and extreme bb pain. I'm not sure if it's because I released more eggs this time or if it's because of the crinone. Generally, I try to keep an eye on symptoms from cycle to cycle so that I remember it's normal if x happens at 5dpiui and it doesn't mean anything. I've always used the suppositories before though, so this is a new drug for me.

I've also been thinking a lot about IVF and when it will be time to "go there". I think I want to try one more good (meaning 4+ eggs) IUI cycle before moving on. So, we're getting ever closer to going with IVF. I've already started checking out the blog entries of ivf experiences to get an idea of what I'm gearing up for. It doesn't look fun or easy. I've got another week before I see if this IUI worked. Crossing my fingers.

Blog Commenting Fixed

Thanks to We Have Angel Wings for letting me know my commenting was broken. That's annoying! It should be fixed now, fingers crossed.

IUI #5

Is all over. We did well this cycle. At least 4 eggs and possibly up to 6; great sperm counts 70 million and 35 million. Now, I wait once again.

I can't say I'm feeling overly optimistic this cycle. It seems like everything aligned correctly but with four failed cycles under my belt--let's just say I'm not thinking this is going to be the magical cycle. Besides the 2ww hanging over my head, I've really not got a lot else going on. School is kicking my butt but that's normal. Otherwise, living a pretty stress free existence.

Still going to accu every week. It continues to be a super relaxing event and I look forward to it each week. I've also started running again. Not running hasn't helped me get or keep a pregnancy, so I'm thinking I'm going to revert back to how I was when we were getting pregnant easily. I'm going to run, eat well, and continue to focus on myself. So far I've managed to lose 20 pounds of gained drug, pity, and miscarriage weight. I still have about 30 to go before I'm happy with myself. One day at a time.

Silence

I've been quiet here lately, mostly because I don't have a lot to say. We didn't get a real bfp after IUI #4 and I was certain I'd have a cyst when I went in on cd3. Mr F and I had already decided that if a cyst was seen we were taking a break. So, I was really pretty shocked when there were only resting follicles. My RE convinced me that we should give it at least one more shot. She didn't want to count last cycle because of the one egg outcome. So, here I sit. Back in the throes of IUI cycle #5.

I'm still going to acupuncture which I come to love more and more each visit. It is so relaxing and really seems to help keep my stress levels low. It is a part of each week that I look forward to. I'm also steadily working on losing the weight that I gained from these miscarriages, drugs, pity eating, etc. I've been exercising several times a week and watching what I eat. I'm doing really well so far and am really proud of myself.

My sister found out that she is having a girl. Her husband is a bit upset because he wanted a boy. I may not have told you all but I've been told I'm throwing a shower for her. This should be interesting. I can't attend--because I live across the country, but I'm in charge of all of the baby themed logistics. Can't wait.

I Hate This Part.

Because I enjoy torturing myself I poas yesterday and today. That would be 9dpo (11 past trigger) and 10dpo (12 past trigger). I got faint, faint lines on my internet cheapies each time. I'm beginning to hate internet cheapies. While they are nice because they are cheap, they seem to everything month give me a faint line right until AF shows up. I can't decide if this is 1) because I'm having chemical pregnancy after chemical pregnancy and my eggs are just that bad or 2) if they are evaps.

I know it's early and most people don't get bfp's now but I've tended to get positives around 11 dpo. So, I'm going to wait until tomorrow, test again and then call it. I really hate the in between. I just want to know yes or no and move on. I want to stop taking these gross progesterone suppositories.

It has been a long time since I've been pregnant. Every month I think this one has to be it and everything month I get the same thing, AF. I'm starting to think there might be something else wrong with me. In the past it has taken us 2-3 months to get pregnant. This will be cycle 6 without a positive. It's frustrating to know that numbers wise I need as many pregnancies as possible to catch a good egg and then not be able to do that any more. 

I've been debating back and forth in my head what I'm going to do if I go in next week and have another cyst. I think I've decided we'll be taking a month off from all of this. Clearly it's not working anyways and I really don't want to go back on bcp for two weeks to try to shrink a cyst again. Sigh. Just feeling kinda down today.

How do You get Rid of Stress?

One of my promises to myself this year is that I would work really hard to be less stressed out. Apparently being type A adds all sorts of stress to your life. So far, I've been doing rather well. I've been to weekly acupuncture appointments, used aromatherapy, am trying to get regular exercise (including yoga), and am eating healthier.

Then this week happened. The week from h.ell. It's the first week of school so I'm back in class (I also have a full-time job). I'm slammed at work and not sure I'll ever dig myself out of the pile of work I have. Slowly, slowly I've felt the tension creeping back into my neck and shoulders. I've had no shortage of people tell me "if you'd only relax" in regards to our pregnancy troubles. I'm trying to heed their advice. Not because I think it will work and that it's the cure all to all of our genetic problems. Instead, more because I know that constantly being stressed isn't good for more overall health. So, dear readers do any of you have any go to solutions? Do I just stop caring so much about doing my best at my job, and at school, and at home (easier said then done). Do I leave the housework completely to Mr. F (I wish)! If you've got any ideas my stressed out body would love to hear them.

PS--Even though I am a POASaholic I am happy to report I haven't even considered it yet. I'm trying to hold out until Saturday.