Luck

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile. In some ways, I feel extremely lucky. Finding a genetically normal embryo and actually having it grow into a baby--really, incredibly lucky. I also am lucky enough to have a career that I enjoy and to be able to have the freedom to travel and pursue hobbies. On the other hand, I'm not so lucky. I got saddled with infertility, a balanced translocation, one good embryo out of 19, and multiple miscarriages.

Before I started down this road, I thought Mr. F and I would have 3-4 children (though he always said 2). Now, I'm not so sure. I'm incredibly blessed that so far ivf has worked for us and that we had insurance to cover the costs. Even though this pregnancy hasn't even provided us with child #1 yet, I am already considering how we are going to provide her with a sibling. We have no frosties, so that's out. I also don't see us being willing to spend the money for ivf on the gamble that we find what is likely one of my few remaining normal embryos. So, we're back to donor something--which we are both more than happy to proceed with. It's just odd to think how differently our family will end up growing...all because of one genetic mutation.  I also feel like I'm not really out of the trenches. I remember before thinking....if I just was able to have a child then I could leave this behind. I no longer believe that. The fight for #2 will be just as hard as the fight for #1. I feel incredibly lucky to even be in the position to contemplate #1 and my heart hurts for all of you out there still waiting to get to that point. I guess, I just feel differently now then I thought I would feel. Time, perspective, and all of that.

NT Scan

I had my NT scan yesterday and am happy to report that all is normal. The MFM dr. said he doesn't think we have anything to worry about and that I should enjoy the rest of my pregnancy. I am so, so hoping that he is right. I will go back at 18 weeks for another scan, where they will specifically be looking at the heart and other organs.

Upon this news, we decided to go ahead and tell the rest of our friends and family. I wasn't shy and told everyone that we went through ivf and that we had only one normal embryo out of 19. Everyone has been really excited for us which has been great. Other than that, I'm doing well. The fatigue is lifting and I'm starting to feel like my normal self again.

And I can Relax for another Week

I had my ultrasound today. Baby is doing well. She is now measuring 1 day ahead and I'm officially 11 weeks. Apparently this is also the date my OB will be using because they don't care about ivf dates and instead use LMP. The baby was extremely active and it was really cool to watch. I also finally got a stomach ultrasound! Now I can relax until my NT scan......

Where I'm at Now

As you can see, I've changed up my blog. I added a ticker (I was a little worried about doing so) but I always hate going to someone's blog and trying to add in my head where they are currently at in their pregnancy or ttc history.

As far as the pregnancy, I'm feeling pretty good. I've had a few random times where I've thrown up. I'm actually starting to think it's because of my prenatals--I recently switched. I'm also starting to feel less tired then I was previously. So, so far so good. I had my first appointment with my midwife last week. I was pretty underwhelmed. I guess I expected a little more depth to the appointment but it was basically me peeing on a stick to confirm pregnancy. This week, Wednesday, I go back for a dating ultrasound and next week I will go in for my physical (I'm hoping this appointment will be a bit more substantive). I've scheduled our NT scan for the end of the month. So, lots of exciting and terrifying appointments coming up.

I find myself not really remembering that I'm pregnant most days. I only start to get nervous and anxious when I have an ultrasound appointment coming up. So, I'm feeling pretty nervous right now. I guess I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can't wait to get out of the first trimester. Even though I know it doesn't remove all risk, it's a milestone I'm looking forward to passing and I think my anxiety will lessen a bit. Have I mentioned I'm extremely type A--that probably doesn't help either. I also just ordered a doppler. I've used it once and I think I found a heartbeat. I hope it will be reassuring in the weeks to come.

Other than that, not much is new. I started classes again last week so I'm extremely busy again. This is also my busy time at work...so between that and school my days are pretty full.

9 weeks 1 day and Graduation

I had my 3rd and final ultrasound with my REs office today. The baby is still growing correctly and is right on track. I got to see arms and legs this time and even got to watch her kick--it was beyond awesome.
Also awesome will be weaning off the PIO and estrogen. I don't really get to start until another 1.5 weeks but then I will slowly be decreasing my dose until stopping completely at 12 weeks.

I have my first midwife appointment on Monday and am looking forward to meeting her. Up next will be the NT scan. It'll be weird not having another ultrasound until then.

Second Ultrasound

I'm 8 weeks 1 day now and happy to report that my ultrasound today agreed. I'm measuring right on the dot. I got the better machine today so got to see and hear the heartbeat. It was right on track at 161 bpm. I go back next Friday for another look and have been told to schedule my appointment with my obstetrician. I've been thinking a lot lately about how lucky I am but I think I'll save that post for another day. Happy New Years to everyone and may your 2012 be better then your 2011.

Heartbeat!

Wow, I actually am pregnant. I'm starting to believe it now. We saw a teeny, tiny smudge with a yolk sac and beating heart. We were using the offices crappier ultrasound machine (next week I'll get the good one) so our RE couldn't get an exact heart rate count. However, he said it's well over 100 and is super happy with progression so far. Obviously, I know things can still go wrong but for today, I'm pregnant and thrilled.

Ultrasound Today

I'll be leaving in a few hours. I'm really, really nervous. I have never had a good pregnancy ultrasound before. I've never seen a heartbeat. We should see that today. Of course I'll update as soon as I know the results.

The Slowest 2ww...

Time seems to be slowly ticking by until my first ultrasound on the 20th. I've never had a 2ww feel longer! I'm not really feeling much in the way of symptoms. A little food aversion and nausea here and there, some weird cramping/pulling, crying more than normal, bad skin (I blame progesterone for this), and tired. Other than that, feeling pretty normal which makes it harder to believe that I am the P word. I've been using up my internet cheapies and poas periodically when I begin to worry. Happy to say they are finally as dark as the control line--I'm guessing a FRER would be blazing by now. So, I think I'm done testing.

The PIO is a pain in the butt (literally). I finally understand now what you ivf ladies are talking about. Giant red itchy welts, check. My RE doesn't allow baths at all until first ultrasound which is unfortunate because I think they would help. I'm going to try the heating pad trick I've been hearing about online. Otherwise, just hanging out and reading all of your blogs. Hoping this week flies by.

Second Beta

My second beta just came in and it's 778! That's a doubling time of 41.82 hours. I'm so proud to finally be on the normal scale of things! I have never had appropriately rising betas

No more betas for me. My clinic just makes sure they are doubling appropriately and if so, you are done with the needle poking. My first ultrasound is December 20th. For now, I'm going to try to enjoy this pregnancy and try to remain hopeful that things will proceed normally. I am greatly appreciating all your good vibes and thoughts. I think it's helping!

First Beta Results

They are in and.............374! My RE is really happy with the results. I go back on Tuesday, I'll be 4wks 5 days then, for a repeat. Keep the positive thoughts coming! Thanks again for all your support. It is so reassuring to know that others have been through this.

Fear and Elation...

Those two emotions should never go together. However, that's where I find myself today. Never did I think that it would seem to take so long to get to a first beta.
I really should back away from the poas tests. I took my original FRER at 8dp5dt and a new one today at 10dp5dt and the lines the same, I think. I wanted it to be darker--of course ideally there would be no control line because the test line is so dark. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. And so, I worry. RPL has taken away any semblance of normalcy for this pregnancy. All I can think about is when the other shoe is going to drop. No visit to the dr. in regards to a positive HPT has ended happily. Instead it's always been doom and gloom. Too low betas and declining numbers. Even the fact that I've had no spotting doesn't help to ease my mind. After all I'm on PIO, so its common to have declining numbers and not spot. Argh, stupid RPL. I know the worrying will do nothing to change the outcome and I'm so happy that I at least know a normal embryo can implant. Now, if only Sunday could get here faster. For those obsessive poas'ers I leave you with today's test on the bottom and 8dp5dt on the top.