I'm finally starting to feel a bit like my old self again. I stepped back considerably from the ttc/infertility issues that are such a big part of my life. What that means is I've devoted less time to thinking about it and less time to blogging and participating in online communities. I've been doing a lot of soul searching.
I've mentioned before that I've gained quite a bit of weight--this is primarily after my BT was discovered and during the subsequent treatments. Even though I've known that it's not healthy and I need to lose it--a part of me has held back. One, I stress eat so eating has helped calm me. However, the perhaps bigger revelation is that I think I'm doing it on purpose. When trying to figure out why I was no longer getting pregnant, the thing that always came to mind was my weight. Really, it's the only thing that's changed in the last year. Plus, I'm just so frustrated with my body--it's not able to do what comes so easy to the majority of the population. So, I'm beginning to think that eating and generally not taking care of myself was part depression (obviously) and part getting back at myself/preventing myself from potentially getting pregnant again. I mean who really wants to get pregnant when the most likely outcome is a miscarriage. After all, I'm four for four now.
That's why I'm proud of myself now. I'm pulling myself out of my funk. I'm eating well--or should I say like I normally did before all this crap happened. I've lost some weight and I'm consistently working out. I'm starting to feel better and better about myself. Really, it's about time. While getting pregnant still scares me--really it's more the potential outcome that scares me--I want it to happen. I feel like I'm in a better space overall. I think my hope is back and I'm hoping I continue to hold onto it.
It sounds like things are really looking up :) Yeah for hope!!!!
ReplyDeleteGood for you! I think good things can only happen when we start thinking positively and taking care of ourselves physically and mentally.
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome! I think stress puts on the pounds for me faster than anything and always in the stomach! It wouldn't be so bad if I gained weight and it went straight to my boobs, as they could stand to gain a few pounds, ha! It sucks how infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss change us.
ReplyDeleteYay for the return of hope. And for stepping back a bit, its good sometimes (othertimes its good to focus and blog and get it all straightened out in the head!)
ReplyDeleteI know I added some lbs myself. IF is sucks and it's a rollercoaster of emotions. I hate what IF as done to me. I have less hope on a lot of things and I feel like it's always 1-step forward, 2-steps back. Hang in there. That is awesome you are getting back your exercise and healthy lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteGlad you are feeling back to old self. It's hard not to take IF personally. Exercise does wonders for my mood as well.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you're started to feel better and take care of yourself!
ReplyDeleteThis post makes me happy - I'm so glad you're feeling and doing better!
ReplyDeleteAwwww thirtiesgirl..... I am glad to see that you are feeling better and that you are moving forward. Everything that you have mentioned in your post, I totally understand as I have lived it, and still does. Like you, I am six for six right now and I had to take care of myself and getting my life back, and I did. I will write a post to explain where I am in my life right now, I have just been busy.
ReplyDeleteI think about you alot and wish nothing but the best for you, always!!!! :)
I am glad you are in a better place or at least heading in that direction!
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