It's been awhile

Wow, it's been awhile since I've posted. Mostly, because nothing is going on...I'm still just trucking a long waiting for the next ivf to start. I'm in the midst of my natural tracking cycle. I'm still a little unclear on how the next cycle is going to work. Apparently I'm doing late luteal phase---I used dr. g.oogle and didn't find much. Right now, the best guess is that I will go in for retrieval sometime in November.
Mr. F and I have been struggling over whether or not we want to switch insurance (so that we can give this another try if necessary). With co-pays & pgd it would probably cost us around $5k to do another cycle. This may sound strange--but I'm not really sure that I would want to spend the $5k on my eggs again. I'm leaning more towards just keeping the same insurance and if need be putting that $5k towards a donor egg cycle. Does that sound logical to anyone else? My open enrollment ends in a few weeks...so a decision needs to be made rather soon.

Getting Back on Track

I'm finally starting to feel a bit like my old self again. I stepped back considerably from the ttc/infertility issues that are such a big part of my life. What that means is I've devoted less time to thinking about it and less time to blogging and participating in online communities. I've been doing a lot of soul searching.

I've mentioned before that I've gained quite a bit of weight--this is primarily after my BT was discovered and during the subsequent treatments. Even though I've known that it's not healthy and I need to lose it--a part of me has held back. One, I stress eat so eating has helped calm me. However, the perhaps bigger revelation is that I think I'm doing it on purpose. When trying to figure out why I was no longer getting pregnant, the thing that always came to mind was my weight. Really, it's the only thing that's changed in the last year. Plus, I'm just so frustrated with my body--it's not able to do what comes so easy to the majority of the population. So, I'm beginning to think that eating and generally not taking care of myself was part depression (obviously) and part getting back at myself/preventing myself from potentially getting pregnant again. I mean who really wants to get pregnant when the most likely outcome is a miscarriage. After all, I'm four for four now.

That's why I'm proud of myself now. I'm pulling myself out of my funk. I'm eating well--or should I say like I normally did before all this crap happened. I've lost some weight and I'm consistently working out. I'm starting to feel better and better about myself. Really, it's about time. While getting pregnant still scares me--really it's more the potential outcome that scares me--I want it to happen. I feel like I'm in a better space overall. I think my hope is back and I'm hoping I continue to hold onto it.

Delayed Again

I feel like every post of mine for the couple of months has included the words delayed or cancelled. Because Mr. F and I have decided we are not going to let this rule our lives....we have been busy planning trips and vacations for the fall. Of course, ivf was supposed to be done twice by now so little did we know these trips would affect what is still our first shot at ivf. Sigh... Well, my body has decided not to cooperate and ovulate when it's supposed to and has now delayed the October cycle. We are looking at November now. I'm starting to feel like this just might not be in the cards for us. It's just been one thing after another. All I can think about is all these months we've wasted on treatments. Maybe, if we hadn't went this route, we would already be pregnant naturally. Instead I've been in a constant loop of various hormones and bcps. All of which have done nothing for me but make me gain so much weight I look like a small whale. I guess there's really nothing I can do at this point except wait. Wait for the next AF to start a new cycle tracking and then wait for the AF after that to hopefully start an ivf cycle in which my body will actually cooperate. Hopefully this will all be done before the holiday season so that my life can get back to some semblance of normal.

Onto Try #3

I'm off for vacation for a few days and wanted to post quick before leaving. I've been terrible at commenting on your blogs--but I've been reading. I'm going to try to catch-up today.

Not much has changed in my world. I was a bit worried about the timing of ivf try #3 but it looks like it's all going to work out. I will hopefully ovulate while on vacation and will start my next ivf cycle in the middle of September if all goes well. In the meantime I'm on my constant diet and trying to lose some of this ivf/meds/infertility chub. I really, really hate dieting but it's definitely beyond the point of wanting to lose some weight and has headed into need to lose weight. Hope you're all well.

Cancellation #2

It's almost enough to make me laugh...About 10-13 follies today. They were right on the cusp so my RE wasn't sure if I should trigger tomorrow or Saturday. So, she recruited the other RE to discuss. Long story short a discussion was had about cancelling this cycle and trying a new protocol (no more l.upron or b.cp). Apparently I have lots of follies but they just aren't recruiting. I guess this can be an issue for some people on the long protocol. So, after discovering that insurance will cover the meds (hallelujah), I talked a bit more with my RE and decided to put the brakes on and try this again. She doesn't think we'll do worse and obviously hopes that we will do better. So, once again I'm almost there....and then we stop. I have to go through one tracked natural cycle which will happen next month. The next step and stims are a bit more foggy. Mr. F is going out of town in October and it's looking like his vacation may correspond exactly with when the RE would need him to be here. So, we may be looking at November. We will see how it all plays out. Disappointed but not as much as last time. I want this to be the best possible stim as it may be our only.

And My Response Sucks...

My E2 level yesterday after 3 days of stims was 410 which I didn't think was too bad (better than last time). The RE had me up my dosage though which worried me (I am now on the max my clinic allows). So, I was apprehensive to see what my follie response would be today. It's not good--it may even be worse than last time. I had 11 on the right (none bigger then 10 only 4 which she measured) and 5 on the left (only 2 which she measured). My lining is a dismal 4.3. Sigh....I'm so, so disappointed. There was no talk of cancel this time--probably because I've already used $5k in drugs. Of course, I'm stressed to the max though because few eggs=small chance of there being a normal one that develops correctly. I also don't understand how an antral follicle count as strong as mine can elicit such a crappy response. So down right now.

Here Come the Stims

Had my cd 2 ultrasound and bloodwork and we're ready to go. 22 follicles today (11 on each side)--this is better than ivf #1 so I'm hoping this means good things. They have majorly increased my stim dosage. Last time I was on 175 F.ollistim and 75 M.enopur one time daily. Now I will be on 200 F.ollistim and 75 M.enopur 2x a day! They've more then doubled my dosage. I'm a bit nervous about this...but going to trust that they know what they're doing. Hoping I get a lot of eggs this time and somewhere in there are some good ones!

Cyst Be Gone...

It is, hooray! Finally things are going right. I have 9 follicles on the right and 12 on the left. I stop my bcp tomorrow. As long as AF shows on time stims will start Thursday.

Ruptured Cyst

I had my first appointment for IVF 1.5 today. Of course, there is a giant cyst on my right side. Apparently it is cloudly--indicating that it has ruptured and is going away. So, I was started on my favorite drug (haha) L.upron today. I will head back in on Friday to see if the cyst is gone and if I can stop bcp. The RE did not seem concerned but of course, I am. We are once again on a very tight schedule. I scheduled a visit to see my sister's new baby when I had thought that ivf would be complete in July. So, if the cyst is still there then we may be delayed yet another month and I may have started L.upron for no reason. Sigh..

Cycle 1.5 (or something like that)

Is starting today! Well, kind of. BCPs are starting today. Lupron will start next week and stims on August 11th. I'm excited but really nervous about version 1.5 turning out like version 1.0. In other fabulous news I get to use the RE I actually like (the one I don't will be out the entire time)! Hope this bodes well for things to come.

Then there were 8....

But still no IUI and I am clearly now the problem patient. Sigh. I got the trigger shot and am to call back with my next af. I'll then do another baseline ultrasound to see if (or how many) cysts I have from this go round. I really wish this RE didn't have my money so I could break up with him.

Cancelled.

Sigh..Between 12-14 follicles ready to go (some over ready to go). My left side still isn't doing crap. So, the RE cancelled. He wants a better response. The IUI is a no go--because I have too many follicles. I argued, it got me nowhere. I'm going in for the hcg shot on Thursday to get rid of all of these. Then waiting for AF. Then back on the pill. Potential new retrieval at the end of August, though this may not work with my schedule. So, maybe September. Sad, disappointed and frustrated.