September 22, 2011

Getting Back on Track

I'm finally starting to feel a bit like my old self again. I stepped back considerably from the ttc/infertility issues that are such a big part of my life. What that means is I've devoted less time to thinking about it and less time to blogging and participating in online communities. I've been doing a lot of soul searching.

I've mentioned before that I've gained quite a bit of weight--this is primarily after my BT was discovered and during the subsequent treatments. Even though I've known that it's not healthy and I need to lose it--a part of me has held back. One, I stress eat so eating has helped calm me. However, the perhaps bigger revelation is that I think I'm doing it on purpose. When trying to figure out why I was no longer getting pregnant, the thing that always came to mind was my weight. Really, it's the only thing that's changed in the last year. Plus, I'm just so frustrated with my body--it's not able to do what comes so easy to the majority of the population. So, I'm beginning to think that eating and generally not taking care of myself was part depression (obviously) and part getting back at myself/preventing myself from potentially getting pregnant again. I mean who really wants to get pregnant when the most likely outcome is a miscarriage. After all, I'm four for four now.

That's why I'm proud of myself now. I'm pulling myself out of my funk. I'm eating well--or should I say like I normally did before all this crap happened. I've lost some weight and I'm consistently working out. I'm starting to feel better and better about myself. Really, it's about time. While getting pregnant still scares me--really it's more the potential outcome that scares me--I want it to happen. I feel like I'm in a better space overall. I think my hope is back and I'm hoping I continue to hold onto it.