Fear and Elation...

Those two emotions should never go together. However, that's where I find myself today. Never did I think that it would seem to take so long to get to a first beta.
I really should back away from the poas tests. I took my original FRER at 8dp5dt and a new one today at 10dp5dt and the lines the same, I think. I wanted it to be darker--of course ideally there would be no control line because the test line is so dark. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. And so, I worry. RPL has taken away any semblance of normalcy for this pregnancy. All I can think about is when the other shoe is going to drop. No visit to the dr. in regards to a positive HPT has ended happily. Instead it's always been doom and gloom. Too low betas and declining numbers. Even the fact that I've had no spotting doesn't help to ease my mind. After all I'm on PIO, so its common to have declining numbers and not spot. Argh, stupid RPL. I know the worrying will do nothing to change the outcome and I'm so happy that I at least know a normal embryo can implant. Now, if only Sunday could get here faster. For those obsessive poas'ers I leave you with today's test on the bottom and 8dp5dt on the top.

8dp5dt

I'm at a conference right now and thousands of miles from home. I arrived yesterday and was completely sleep deprived. The turbulence was so bad on the way here that there were several times I was certain the plane was going to fall out of the sky. It was in that sleep deprived state that my co-worker took me to target last night to buy some pregnancy tests. I (being a constant poas'er) had brought along some internet cheapies. I've been getting what I've thought were evaps on them since yesterday---trust me they are super, super faint. So, just wanted to get this over with and have the ability to drown my sorrows in alcohol while at the conference. I picked up the target brand box next to the FRER's. This morning when I pulled them out instead of being pink dye they were blue. I remember reading blue are famous for their evaps. I'm hoping this isn't one of them. The test line was a line before the control line even popped up. According to the t.arget instructions that's all I'm looking for -- 2 lines. My internet cheapie also has a line. It's faint but it's pink. Did this seriously work for me? I'm a little in shock right now--I broke down when I saw the second line. It's so late in the game. Beta isn't until Sunday. Please send your positive thoughts my way.



Edited to add--Thanks for all the support! It is so very much appreciated. I'm hoping these lines continue to get darker and this is actually our sticky bfp. Because I couldn't stand not knowing if this was real or not, I went to buy some FRERs, pretty sure this is a bfp. (sorry for the poor quality photo all I have is my phone).

6dp5dt

And a glaringly white bfn this morning. I've never  had a bfp later then this, so I'm fairly certain this cycle was a bust. Disappointing but not really surprising. Especially considering the quality of the rest of my eggs. Beta won't be until Sunday now as I'm going out of town and my clinic doesn't want me to go to another lab. So, I get to continue injecting myself with PIO shots even though all I'm seeing is - poas tests. So, that's really quite annoying.
Mr. F and I have been talking a bit about next steps. At this point we're both fairly comfortable saying my eggs are out of the picture--unless our RE has some new information for us. So, we're trying to decide between donor eggs and donor embryos.  Neither of these will likely happen for another year as we're making a huge move at the end of the summer and we want to settle into our new home and jobs first. I've been doing a lot of research on cost, guarantees, etc. and there is an overwhelming amount of information. I had thought for sure that Mr. F would want to pursue donor egg first. However, after talking to him more about costs, second children, etc. he seems to be leaning towards donor embryo. If anyone readers have done either or researched either, I would appreciate your advice and comments. Thanks again for all your support.