I Hate This Process

After staring at a stark white negative this morning, I've been a big old bundle of negative energy today. Granted I'm only 10 dpo but I can't help but feeling this cycle has failed as well. (It doesn't help when AF like cramps are happening--and I'm assuming it's just not here because the progesterone is stopping it). I'm feeling really down, depressed, and just dismayed at this entire process. Thinking about going through this again is just depressing. This was a picture perfect cycle great number of eggs, great lining, and nothing. I can't even get a chemical pregnancy anymore--at least then I would know something is going on.

Being the type A that I am, I started thinking today about where I want to go next. I think I've come up with a plan. On CD3 I'm going to let my RE know how disappointed I am. I'm going to ask that they put together a packet for my insurance company to see if I can get IVF/PGD covered. If this is a no (and it very likely could be) then I'm thinking about going with DE this summer. I'm actually thinking about doing this abroad--Czech Republic? Mr. F and I can't afford the $30k it'll cost us at my clinic and we can afford (albeit scraping it together) the $10-12k it will cost abroad. If anyone has any experience with this, please let me know. Your thoughts and input would be greatly appreciated.

Of course, Mr. F and I will continue with the COH process until we hear from the insurance company and probably until we pursue DE. It's also possible I'll change my mind. Right now though, I'm just feeling so over this process. I've never been overly concerned that our children have a genetic link (and neither has Mr. F). I'll also not have to worry about passing on my crappy genetics to a child--which is definitely a concern.

Even in My Dreams...

Apparently I am a ttc crazy person. Last night I went to sleep without Mr. F (he was out with friends). When he came home he woke me up to give me a kiss goodnight. Apparently our conversation was nearly one sided and I was acting completely crazy. I told him that my eggs weren't done. He prodded me some more and apparently I said they needed to be fertilized. This is where he picked up that I wasn't talking about a breakfast item. He told me that he didn't know what I was talking about and started laughing at me. I got pissed and told him he knew what he needed to do and if he wouldn't do it just to leave me alone.

I remember before drifting off thinking about this cycle and how upset I would be if there wasn't a good egg out of 3-5 I had. So, I'm guessing this is where the crazy talk came from. In other news, I'm patiently sitting in the 2ww. I haven't tested once (which is a record for me). I'm planning on testing Friday morning--11dpo. Like every 2ww I've been obsessively tracking symptoms. I've had a lot of cramping this cycle and just today a nice temp spike. I'm not really sure how progesterone suppositories work but I've been on them since 2dpo. It seems kind of weird to me that my temp would spike now at 8dpo. (see obsessively symptom spotting). Anyways, will let you all know what Friday brings. I'm hoping it's two dark pink lines.