November 21, 2010

I Love my Family but...

I lied to my mother yesterday. I told her that we had decided to take a break for awhile. I told her I was thinking about going back on birth control. I told her then I wouldn't have to worry about whether I was pregnant or not every month and I could quit being disappointed.

Yesterday, I actually felt this way. I seriously was considering throwing in the towel. After getting a faint BFP and immediately starting to spot red blood afterwards, I just wanted to give up. There was no hope left in my heart.

I actually regret telling our families that we were going through this process. I know they are trying to be supportive but it makes me feel like s.hit every cycle when I get to tell them it didn't work again. Not to mention my mom loves her platitudes "all will be well" and really those kind of comments just make me angry. My family is convinced that now that my younger sister is pregnant (and apparently not cursed with genetic anomaly I have) that it will be my turn soon as well. I just need to keep trying--again could club them. I think it will be easier on me if they all think we've given up for awhile. I can cry on my husbands shoulder every cycle this doesn't work and not have to relay the details to my sister and mother.

I hope I don't sound too heartless. I really do love my family but right now they really aren't helping. I am trying to be supportive of my sister (who has hyperemesis) but it is so hard. Being infertile really sucks.


  1. I know what you mean thirtiesgirl...thankfully my parents and sister did come around to understand what we are going mom more so. She feels as bad as I do. But now I almost wish I didn't tell them anything because they go through the same pain (different type of pain) we do and I feel guilty for dragging them through it. But do what you have to...if yesterday's white lie makes you feel better to give you the protection and privacy of their inquiries then so be it.

  2. Hello thirstiesgirl..... you are not alone. Sometimes it is just too hard to have to listen to your family. In my case, it is just my mom, I do not have a big immediate family. I found myself so frustrated sometimes when she tells me to relax and to try again and it "will work out." When I do not get pregnant, she believes that it's because my husband and I work too much and we do not take the time to stop...... uggghhhh........ no, it's not why it does not work! I love her dearly and she feels very deep sadness and guilt for me having to deal with BT but I keep alot of things to myself. The reason is because I believe that although she is my mom, she cannot imagine fully what I am going through, no one, except people like you, who are going through the same thing, can understand. I hate that feeling that I get when I realize that I may never have children. She does not like to talk about this subject with me because she thinks it's negative....... but it's true. But I do not want to discuss certain things anymore. I am glad that I started a blog so I can talk..... even if it's just me behind my computer screen! Thirtiesgirl, I know exactly what you are going through, I am in my 30's also, dealing with the same pains that you are. Feel free to reach out if you need someone to listen!

  3. That's interesting... my situation is the same except the opposite, if that's possible. LOL. I have told my parents very little about we're going through, in part for the exact reason's you've expressed. Sometimes I feel guilty because they obviously know SOMETHING is up, and I KNOW my mom wishes I would tell her more... but I am having a hard enough time dealing with this from my end. I can't deal with the anxiety and hope and waiting from my parents...

  4. totally agree with you, i spoke to T the other night about possibly not telling anyone when (and if) this next IVF finally happens. i hate to keep them waiting and keep letting them down. its just not in my nature to not be able to talk about things with my mom, or be honest when asked a question. plus i wouldn't be able to blog about it, and then i would probably go insane. so oh well, they're along for the ride whether we like it or not!!
    hugs, i know its hard

  5. omg your mom sounds just like my mom...the "platitudes" of moms...ugh. I love my mom like crazy and we're very close, but we seem to part ways on the whole ttc/pregnancy thing. she had some infertility problems when it came to GETTING pregnant, but no issues STAYING we're in very different boats. Every time I mention how I'm feeling (depressed/hurt/etc.) she acts like I should just get over it and tells me how it'll happen in time. It's like she just doesn't GET IT!!!! Grrrr. Thank God I love her so much or I'd bop her upside the head with a club! lol