January 22, 2011

About our Journey

Currently I'm in 2ww limbo. As you can see from the sidebar I've been pregnant at least four times, none of which ended well.

Mr F. and I got married young (I was 22). We lived in a small town (no longer thank goodness) and had a couple friends who were also married and had children. It was at their encouragement that we decided to try for one of our own. I was lucky and got pregnant right away. However, around 7-8 weeks I went to the ER because I was bleeding a lot. I was really naive in that point of my life and thought everything was going to be ok. When I found out I was miscarrying, I was devastated. The ER dr put me on 3 months of birth control and told me when I finished them we could start trying again. After those 3 months, Mr F and I both decided we wanted to wait. I think mostly because we were scared and still hurting. This decision was definitely the best for us at the time. It allowed us both to do things that would have been made much harder with a child. It also gave us time to grow up.

Fast forward and I'm 29 years old. Mr. F and I were still wavering over whether or not it was a good time. I think, however, that somehow I knew we were going to have problems. Everyone told us after the first miscarriage that it wouldn't happen again, many first pregnancies fail, etc...but I'm not sure I bought it. I distinctly remember a conversation where Mr. F was explaining his worry about having a child 9 months from now (he was in the midst of his graduate program). I remember calmly telling him that it could take up to a year to even get pregnant. Imagine my surprise now when it's been almost two years of trying. I'm glad we didn't wait any longer then we did. I'm 31 now and no baby in sight.

It's been a really trying time for us. Recently going through three miscarriages in a row and now having a hard time even getting pregnant again. The bt diagnosis is not an easy thing to deal with. It still stabs my heart every time someone on a message board says something similar to "thank god our karotype tests came back normal". It's a reminder to me that I have something wrong with me that no one else wants. Yet, I keep plodding forward. The only other option is to give up and I'm definitely not there yet. I have so much respect for you ladies that have been at this longer then me. I used to think there was no way I could keep at it (just like I thought I'd never be able to go through a miscarriage again after the first one). Your perspective changes when all you want is to be able to hold your baby.

Treatment for me now consists of fertility drugs and IUIs. We don't have any male factor problems but our insurance covers IUIs (we are very lucky that we have great insurance right now) so our RE recommended we use them. The hope is more eggs=one good one. So far, we're not having much luck. Our RE can't seem to get the dosage right. This cycle I ended up with one egg--not exactly what we were going/hoping for. I keep at it though because the regime has been successful for other bt ladies and because I'm doubting that when we move (probably within the next year or so) that our insurance will cover these treatments.

There is hope for me, however. Even with this crappy diagnosis ladies are succeeding. Recently the blog world has exploded with happy news for ladies with chromosomal issues. I'm so happy for each and every one of them. It gives me hope and a reason for continuing. Someday soon I'll hopefully be writing about my pregnancy.


  1. That's a lot you guys have been through, sorry about that. I realize I'm really a beginner when I read stories like yours. Hoping this 2ww will be your last!

  2. Happy ICLW! Thanks for visiting. I'm adding you to my blogroll. I am 31 also and wish I had started this when I was 29. Tick-tock, tick-tock. Uggg. I hear it in my sleep.

    Can't wait to get to know you a little better!


  3. Sorry for all you have been through, IF just sucks. I hope that you are able to find the right combo of IUI/meds and catch a good egg! Maybe it will even be this month :). Best of luck to you!

    ICLW #134

  4. Thanks for stopping by my blog! Happy ICLW :)
    Thanks for sharing your story... Ugh, it's so frustrating. Hoping really good things for you! Looking forward to staying connected.

  5. Happy ICLW! I hope this one is successful. Even with translocations, *some* gametes are normal! Best of luck!

  6. Hang in there (I hope that doesn't seem like an empty statement). I had three losses in a row, too, and that was *after* having a healthy child. That added a whole new level of "Huh"?

    I had a blighted ovum followed by an ectopic followed by a chemical pregnancies. I was diagnosed as having bad luck since I'm obviously fertile, but had misbehaving embryos. When I was pregnant with my daughter I was on pins and needles until she found her way out at almost 40 weeks.

    I don't have any advice, but just wanted to share my "I know how much that sucks" vibes.

    (Visiting from ICLW)

  7. Stopping by from ICLW. Looks like you've been through a lot, but it's good to hear that others with the same problem are succeeding so it really can happen! Hoping you're next!

  8. Happy ICLW...

    I too had two losses and two chemical pregnancies. I never went for the karotype testing, but we were blessed with our Ginevra after almost three years of ttc. Hoping that the IUI does the trick for you, and that this is your last tww.

  9. IF just sucks sometimes doesnt it, All the best for the dreaded 2ww and fingers crossed for a positive and sticky result

  10. Here from ICLW; goodness, what a load to carry. :( It took us a full year to conceive my first, but we did and then the second came along so fast, we weren't quite ready! LOL Best of luck, and remember, life is not a destination, it's a journey ;)

  11. stopping by from ICLW. thanks for this post--i find its nice to have a "this is where we are in IF" post. very well written, though I'm sorry for all you've gone thru. thinking of you and hope the tww goes faaaaaaaaaaaast and yields positive results!!!

  12. Thirtiesgirl, I feel your pain. I live exactly the same life as you, except my insurance is not as good for infertility issues. No IUIs covered and whatnot. I also got married very young, wanted to start a family, got pregnant easily and found out at 7 1/2 weeks that I was having a miscarriage. I then found out that I have BT (chromosome 5 and 10). My husband is ok, no problems there. I am still hoping. Although I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I might not have any children, I still keep that hope in my heart...... you never know.
    I wish you the best of luck and think about you often.

  13. Good luck with this 2ww! I hope you get to add your good news very soon!

    ICLW #192

  14. I hope that day comes soon, thirtiesgirl. Like you, many people told me that it wouldn't happen again after the first. Like you, I had a feeling that it would (though that was the last thing in the world I wanted). The balanced translocation thing - it's so tough. And so is the trying after loss and not getting pregnant. I've found it frustrating beyond words.

    I am keeping fingers and toes crossed for you.