The Waiting Game

I've been patiently waiting. Well as patiently as I am able to wait. I finally got in to see the specialist this week that was supposed to tell us everything about our translocation (REs) words. Unfortunately he was unable to tell us anything we didn't already know. So after waiting a month to get into see him, I'm now being sent to someone else. I have more faith in this next appointment but to say I'm frustrated would be an understatement. All Mr F and I want to know is whether we are able to biologically conceive our own child. If so, then we have already decided we're willing to keep playing the odds game and will survive any losses that come our way. However, our RE has us on birth control because he wants to make sure natural is the best decision--the other would be IVF w/PGD ($20k price tag for those unfamiliar). So, here we sit in this purgatory. Wasting time and waiting for answers.

On the subject of wasting time, I am so sick of Drs telling me not to worry and that I'm young. Granted I'm in my early 30s. This is probably on the young side for those visiting REs. However, it is abundantly clear that it's not going to be an easy road for me to have a child. This BT complicates everything. Just having a child may take years and I'd like at least 2. So, don't on one hand tell me to try to have all my children by 35 and then on the other tell me how young I am. I don't really understand how that math works out.

I'm really just kind of in a bad mood right now. I just want some answers so Mr F and I can make a decision on how we want to proceed in building our family. Supposedly, we may get them next week. With the way things have been going, I'm not holding my breath.

Current Ruminations

I have been on vacation for the last 2 weeks and it was wonderful. Even more exciting, I come back to visit my blog and I have comments! Thanks so much for your support. I thought for sure I would be mostly writing this to myself. Mr F and I had a great break from work and thinking about babies. We visited family and friends that we haven't seen for awhile. I was a bit worried as there were a lot of new babies to visit. My best friend and her 3 day old son, my husbands cousins 5 month old, and my new 5 month old nephew. I wasn't sure how I would handle being around them all but I'm happy to say I did really well. It definitely reaffirmed my desire to have our own children. I also found out that several cousins on my mothers side are having difficulty conceiving. My mother is fairly certain that the BT is from her and now my extended family is wanting to be tested for this as well. I'm hoping for all of them that they aren't affected as my journey thus far hasn't been fun.

On the doctor front I visit the specialist on Wednesday to determine exactly "how bad" my balanced translocation is and what the likelihood of us having a biological child will be. Our RE is pushing us towards IVF w/PGD but doesn't want to battle with the insurance company until we figure out exactly what our odds are. I'm torn as the opinions of whether IVF w/PGD is the best option for a BT are extremely varied. Not to mention this procedure is extremely expensive. So, many unknowns. Many times I think it would be wonderful if we could just be told that something will or not work with 100% accuracy.

I said I would talk about books as well and I've read a lot of them recently. 20 hours on planes and in airports provides a lot of time to read. I'm recently really into fantasy, including stories about vampires. I also like mysteries. While I was gone I read grave sight by Charlene Harris and quite enjoyed it. I also read the vampire chronicles as I hadn't yet read the series. I wasn't overly impressed as I think I had hyped it up far too much in my mind. Finally, I rounded my reading off with the morganville vampire series. They are written for young adults--but I have to admit I'm ok with that. Overall an enjoyable first two books and I'm looking forward to reading the next few.

Another day, Another pregnancy

I spent the whole of yesterday at a bbq on the beach. Not a bad way to spend a Sunday. However, the fun was dampened a bit when yet another friend announced their pregnancy to the thirty or so of us in attendance. Most mind blowing was that she was exactly 4 weeks and 1 day along. Yep, she had gotten the positive test the day before. Of course I'm excited for her but it was hard to spend the next hour or so talking about how excited she was, baby names, symptoms etc. I also couldn't help but feel a little wistful that I will never have that level of excitement again. I was just thinking the day before that we might not even be able to tell anyone anything until 20 weeks and a successful amnio. It's maddening that this process has become so terrifying for us that we can't even become excited until that point. Meanwhile my friend is already thinking baby names and nursery furniture. I'm feeling sorry for myself now so I think this is enough for today.

HSG's are a lot of Fun!

Over the course of miscarriage testing and pregnancies that are doomed to end, I must have given at least 30 vials of blood. You would think that this would be torture enough for most people. After all this bloodwork, I was recently diagnosed with a crappy genetic condition. Because that seems to be what is making my eggs useless, I had hoped my testing would be over. So, imagine my great delight when I found out that I would also get to have an HSG before we could discuss a plan of attack. Dr's words--just so we can make sure there is nothing else wrong with you. I love my RE but seriously isn't having this really cool genetic problem enough?

This is what brought me back to the hospital on Wednesday. (Speaking of, since was around my 400th appointment is anyone else running out of excuses for snoopy co-workers?) Upon check-in (be there 30 minutes early so you can sit in the waiting room for 25 of them surrounded by children), I got a really cool plastic bracelet put on my wrist and was ushered into a radiology room. As usual, I had done plenty of reading up on the procedure via the internet and what I found was not reassuring. Words like "worst pain ever" and "almost worse then childbirth" were not uncommon. Imagine my surprise when the torture session was done in less then 2 minutes--I barely felt it. So, fear not other HSG participants. You may be one of the lucky ones who don't have a lot of pain. It was actually pretty cool as I got to watch the dye go through my uterus and tubes--which are perfect by the way. So, now onto plan of attack. Next week me and MrF will meet with our RE to determine exactly what our options our. I have to say, I'm excited (well, and nervous of course).

In non baby news, I've read a few books this week. A friend gave me "Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest" and it was an interesting read. A nice conclusion to the series. Right now I'm i the middle of "Bite Me" and I can't decide if I like it or not. I'll let you know when I finish. I've got a long plane ride coming up soon (going on vacation) and plenty of time to continue towards my goal of reading the top 100 Modern Library books.

My Foray Into Blogging

So, I've decided to start a blog. Mostly, I'm starting this blog to chronicle my trials and hopefully triumphs in the baby department. I was recently diagnosed with a balanced translocation (after 4 miscarriages) and have quickly realized that it's not going to be easy to have a baby.

That being said, I don't want this blog to be all doom and gloom. So, I plan to talk about my other interests and life activities as well. I like books, a lot...and I'll probably mention those I'm reading throughout the course of my blog. My current plan is to read all 100 of the Modern Library's books. So far, I've read 5 (Lolita, 1984, Animal Farm, A Room with A View, and The Call of the Wild).