Follie Update

So, not so good news to report. My lining is crap 6.8. I was put on estrogen patches to see if that helps thicken it at all. I've got 3 follies: 17, 13, and 10, plus a bunch of smaller ones that apparently don't count.

I was assertive today and told my RE that I don't understand why we're going for only 1-2 eggs. Apparently this is normal protocol for someone my age with RPL. After a bit of arguing we may have found some common ground. I understand where she's coming from as well but it seems pretty evident to me that most of my eggs are crap. So, I guess I'll see how my protocol changes next cycle. Already feeling pretty bummed about this one.

I Need to Be More Assertive

Well, I know what injectibles I'm going to be on (Follitism). However, my doctor's appointment was annoying. I go to a practice with two doctors. I saw one on Saturday. Dr. A told me I need to produce more eggs and basically my last cycle was crap because I only had 1 egg and not so great lining 7.8. Dr. A suggested injectibles after Clomid to get more eggs and better lining. While I have terrific medical insurance, I have terrible prescription insurance. So, Dr. A offered to give me samples.

Today I come to the office and see Dr. B (who is my normal doctor). Dr. B apparently has no idea I'm starting injectibles and instead mentions estrogen patches to increase my lining. After discussion with Dr. B about what Dr. A had told me on Saturday, I end up getting my injectibles. However, she only wants to give me a small dose because we only want 1-2 good eggs! I'm not sure if my RE is like everyone else's but my head is spinning by the time I leave. I see the Dr. for about 5 minutes (4 of which is procedure) and I get so much information thrown at me that I don't ask the right questions. So, I leave the office and think about what Dr. B said. Then, I start to get mad. Why didn't the doctors communicate with each other? Why is my treatment not more aggressive--clearly my eggs are crap! So, I've made a solemn promise to myself that Thursday (next appt) will be different. I'm going to say what I'm thinking and ask her to be aggressive.

In other news, I went out for Halloween and actually had a great time. We met up with a lot of friends and relaxed a bit.

This Time Last Year

I learned that my pregnancy was a blighted ovum. Instead of getting to go out with friends for Halloween and have fun, I spent the night on the couch waiting for the cytotec to work. I have to say, that has kind of ruined Halloween for me. This year I find myself not really being able to get excited about it. I'm going out tonight but afraid that I'm going to be miserable to be around.

In less depressing news, we are changing my protocol this cycle. Instead of using just clomid we're adding injectibles. My insurance won't cover fertility medication but my RE thinks he can get me samples for a couple of cycles--which is awesome! Apparently my last cycle I only had one good egg and my lining was thin. I wish they would have told me this then because I was thinking I had two eggs and my lining was ok. I guess they probably don't want to cause anxiety...but I was really disappointed when the last cycle didn't work. I would have been less so if I had known going in that things weren't looking that great.

AF Starts the Week

Sadly this cycle ended up with AF. Needless to say, I'm really disappointed. I was really hoping to get pregnant. Even if it didn't stick I would at least be making progress in the right direction. Alas, it was not to be. So, now I get to start this whole process over again. I'll be going to my RE's office tomorrow. I'm crossing my fingers that there will not be any cysts and that we'll be able to squeeze another IUI in before I head off to a conference. Right now the timing is pretty precarious so I'm really hoping that it will work out. Will let you all know more tomorrow.

Implantation Dip

So, I had a crazy rise in temperature after a slight dip yesterday. I've been reading furiously on the internet and it seems that this might be an implantation dip. Of course, depending on what you read implantation dips may or may not exist. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/27445e

Now I have to wait patiently to see if this indeed is what it seems it may be. In the meantime I'm obsessing over every symptom. I have to pee more (check). I have sore breasts (check). I have cramping (check). Man, I hope this works and I'm actually pregnant this cycle. It's going to be a huge disappointment if I'm not.

Waiting Ever Waiting...

Can this 2ww go by any slower? Here I sit 6 dpiui and I feel like it's been an eternity. Luckily for me I have a super short luteal phase. So, in 5 days I should either see AF or hopefully be pregnant. If I am pregnant that will bring a whole other set of worries. But, I'm not going to think about that right now.

I've not had an IUI before so I'm not sure if what I'm feeling is normal. Dr. Google has almost convinced me that it is. I've had the worst cramps for the past few days. Normally, I am a minimal cramp kind of gal. Usually it's pretty calm for me. These are bad though. They hurt, they are annoying, and I want them to go away.

I'm going to be really disappointed if this doesn't work. I keep telling myself that'll we will just try again but the appointments and the missed work. I'm really not wanting to do that again if we don't have to. So, I'm crossing my fingers that this will be it. Only 4 more days until testing commences.

3dpiui

So, I'm going to try to spruce up my blog a bit over the next few days. I'm updating the design and trying to make it a bit more interesting. If you have feedback, let me know.

In fertility world I'm a few days past my first set of back to back IUIs. I've had a lot of cramping today--feels like pre AF. I'm not sure if that's normal or not but it's what is currently occurring. Work and home life have been crazy lately and I'm hoping that craziness will help this 2ww move quickly. I really, really hate waiting. In the meantime (trying to keep busy) I've been reading Outlander. I really like it so far and it's making me want to buy the rest of the books in the series.

Clomid and IUIs

So, apparently I am terrible at updating this blog. I promise to try to be more diligent in the future. I'm always annoyed when I start getting into someone's blog and they just stop posting..

So, I've moved on. After last month's BFN I decided to bring out the big guns and try clomid/IUIs. I've taken the clomid and had my ultrasound appointments and today will be my trigger and first IUI. I will go back for my second tomorrow morning. I've been a little disappointed in the egg results thus far. I'll definitely have 1...maybe 2. However, the whole goal of this was to create more eggs in the hope that one might be good. So, yeah a bit disappointed. It has, however, been fascinating to watch my cycle in progress. To see the lining start growing (hoping it's even better today to avoid estrogen patches) and to see the follicles. After these IUIs I'll officially be in the 2ww. I actually really don't like the 2ww. I'm not a patient person and it's torture wondering whether or not I'll be pregnant month after month. That being said, I at the very least feel like I'm taking a bit more control this cycle. We'll see what it brings and move forward from there. It's really all I can do.

And Another Negative

So, my period was two days late and I spotted starting at 5 dpo. I'm pretty sure I saw a faint line at 10 dpo and then nothing. So, maybe another chemical. Sigh...

With that news we've decided to move onto clomid/iui. I feel like I need to try something, anything different. The hope is we'll get more eggs and regulate my cycle/progesterone at the same time. Maybe with more eggs we will finally catch a good one?! That's the hope anyways. I'll be starting the process on Thursday with an ultrasound. I'm a little nervous as I was hoping not to get to this point. We are lucky though that we have decent insurance coverage and I feel like we should give it a shot now while we are able. Of course, I'll let you know how this goes and document the process.

One of Those Days

I'm having one of those days where I'm not sure if this is ever going to work out for us. I question how many more miscarriages I will be able to handle. How many more months of tracking ovulation, etc. I can mentally take. I feel strongly for you ladies who've been at this longer than me. Additionally, there are just so many things about this process that are annoying to me. For instance, I have ridiculously late ovulation. We're talking day 22-24 and I have only a ten day luteal phase. So, I feel that I spend most of my month just waiting to ovulate! And spend a ridiculous amount of money on fertility monitor sticks that continuously read low. Additionally, because I have a longer cycle then average I don't get as many tries as others during the course of a year.

As you may know, I'm getting older. So last night I was thinking if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant three more times in the next year that will put me at 32 1/2 with potential no children (I've seen ladies w/BTs with 8+miscarriages and no children). How much longer would I keep trying after that? Should I start looking into alternatives more seriously? These are all of the things I think about when I can't sleep and let the positivity drift a bit. Sometimes I wish we had started this process much earlier--but can't turn back time now. I at least have some satisfaction that we didn't wait as long as friends/family would have had us. So many times I got the so & so had her first baby at 37 and now she has 2 children. If I had waited until 37 I would have a much smaller chance of ever having a biological child... Now to break out of this funk.

On to Next Month

Sigh.. I was soo hoping that I would be lucky, hit the jackpot and get pregnant this month. Apparently that wasn't in the cards. After every symptom in the book AF came on time. Now, I get to start all over again and hope that next month will be the month. If so, it'll bring me right back to when I got pregnant last September at what was the start of this never-ending journey. I was oblivious then to my future struggles. When the lines on the HPT continued to get darker and I had no spotting or bleeding I assumed everything was going to be ok. Then, I get to my appt at 8 weeks and find out there is only a sac and I'm assumed to have a blighted ovum. Fluke, right? Now after 2 more miscarriages there are days when hope is really hard to find. Sometimes I get so sick of the temping, charting, timing, etc....for what? This is the last month I have to try to get pregnant on my own before the RE recommends trying IUI and fertility drugs. I'd like to give it one more all natural shot...If only there was a mirror to look into the future. Sometimes I think that would just make everything so much easier.

And We Have A Plan.

Finally, we have a plan. After multiple visits and tests with the RE, MFM, and Genetics Office we've come to an agreement. Here it is: For the next two cycles I will try to get pregnant on my own. RE is fairly confident that we will be able to get pregnant in that time span. If I am lucky, we will support the pregnancy via progesterone and hopefully all will proceed well. If I miscarry again, then we will move onto IUI and fertility meds for a few cycles. The hope here is that more eggs may allow us to catch a good one (finally). If this still doesn't work then we will look to IVF and PGD. Our insurance company will hopefully cover this for us--or we will not be able to afford it. I'm hoping, however, that we never get to that point. Of course, I'm hoping that this next pregnancy will work out and we'll finally have our take home baby. So, now I try getting pregnant. I haven't ovulated yet this cycle but it should be coming soon.

I'm really happy that we finally have a plan. Even better, it is pretty similar to what my husband and I had discussed when we have talked about how to proceed. IVF for us is a last resort and we're hoping that we will have luck before then. I feel much better now that I now how we are proceeding and am feeling supported by our RE. In the meantime, I'm trying not to stress about baby making. We're planning some vacations and hoping to get away for awhile. Try to relax and de-stress.