Silence

I've been quiet here lately, mostly because I don't have a lot to say. We didn't get a real bfp after IUI #4 and I was certain I'd have a cyst when I went in on cd3. Mr F and I had already decided that if a cyst was seen we were taking a break. So, I was really pretty shocked when there were only resting follicles. My RE convinced me that we should give it at least one more shot. She didn't want to count last cycle because of the one egg outcome. So, here I sit. Back in the throes of IUI cycle #5.

I'm still going to acupuncture which I come to love more and more each visit. It is so relaxing and really seems to help keep my stress levels low. It is a part of each week that I look forward to. I'm also steadily working on losing the weight that I gained from these miscarriages, drugs, pity eating, etc. I've been exercising several times a week and watching what I eat. I'm doing really well so far and am really proud of myself.

My sister found out that she is having a girl. Her husband is a bit upset because he wanted a boy. I may not have told you all but I've been told I'm throwing a shower for her. This should be interesting. I can't attend--because I live across the country, but I'm in charge of all of the baby themed logistics. Can't wait.

I Hate This Part.

Because I enjoy torturing myself I poas yesterday and today. That would be 9dpo (11 past trigger) and 10dpo (12 past trigger). I got faint, faint lines on my internet cheapies each time. I'm beginning to hate internet cheapies. While they are nice because they are cheap, they seem to everything month give me a faint line right until AF shows up. I can't decide if this is 1) because I'm having chemical pregnancy after chemical pregnancy and my eggs are just that bad or 2) if they are evaps.

I know it's early and most people don't get bfp's now but I've tended to get positives around 11 dpo. So, I'm going to wait until tomorrow, test again and then call it. I really hate the in between. I just want to know yes or no and move on. I want to stop taking these gross progesterone suppositories.

It has been a long time since I've been pregnant. Every month I think this one has to be it and everything month I get the same thing, AF. I'm starting to think there might be something else wrong with me. In the past it has taken us 2-3 months to get pregnant. This will be cycle 6 without a positive. It's frustrating to know that numbers wise I need as many pregnancies as possible to catch a good egg and then not be able to do that any more. 

I've been debating back and forth in my head what I'm going to do if I go in next week and have another cyst. I think I've decided we'll be taking a month off from all of this. Clearly it's not working anyways and I really don't want to go back on bcp for two weeks to try to shrink a cyst again. Sigh. Just feeling kinda down today.

How do You get Rid of Stress?

One of my promises to myself this year is that I would work really hard to be less stressed out. Apparently being type A adds all sorts of stress to your life. So far, I've been doing rather well. I've been to weekly acupuncture appointments, used aromatherapy, am trying to get regular exercise (including yoga), and am eating healthier.

Then this week happened. The week from h.ell. It's the first week of school so I'm back in class (I also have a full-time job). I'm slammed at work and not sure I'll ever dig myself out of the pile of work I have. Slowly, slowly I've felt the tension creeping back into my neck and shoulders. I've had no shortage of people tell me "if you'd only relax" in regards to our pregnancy troubles. I'm trying to heed their advice. Not because I think it will work and that it's the cure all to all of our genetic problems. Instead, more because I know that constantly being stressed isn't good for more overall health. So, dear readers do any of you have any go to solutions? Do I just stop caring so much about doing my best at my job, and at school, and at home (easier said then done). Do I leave the housework completely to Mr. F (I wish)! If you've got any ideas my stressed out body would love to hear them.

PS--Even though I am a POASaholic I am happy to report I haven't even considered it yet. I'm trying to hold out until Saturday.

About our Journey

Currently I'm in 2ww limbo. As you can see from the sidebar I've been pregnant at least four times, none of which ended well.

Mr F. and I got married young (I was 22). We lived in a small town (no longer thank goodness) and had a couple friends who were also married and had children. It was at their encouragement that we decided to try for one of our own. I was lucky and got pregnant right away. However, around 7-8 weeks I went to the ER because I was bleeding a lot. I was really naive in that point of my life and thought everything was going to be ok. When I found out I was miscarrying, I was devastated. The ER dr put me on 3 months of birth control and told me when I finished them we could start trying again. After those 3 months, Mr F and I both decided we wanted to wait. I think mostly because we were scared and still hurting. This decision was definitely the best for us at the time. It allowed us both to do things that would have been made much harder with a child. It also gave us time to grow up.

Fast forward and I'm 29 years old. Mr. F and I were still wavering over whether or not it was a good time. I think, however, that somehow I knew we were going to have problems. Everyone told us after the first miscarriage that it wouldn't happen again, many first pregnancies fail, etc...but I'm not sure I bought it. I distinctly remember a conversation where Mr. F was explaining his worry about having a child 9 months from now (he was in the midst of his graduate program). I remember calmly telling him that it could take up to a year to even get pregnant. Imagine my surprise now when it's been almost two years of trying. I'm glad we didn't wait any longer then we did. I'm 31 now and no baby in sight.

It's been a really trying time for us. Recently going through three miscarriages in a row and now having a hard time even getting pregnant again. The bt diagnosis is not an easy thing to deal with. It still stabs my heart every time someone on a message board says something similar to "thank god our karotype tests came back normal". It's a reminder to me that I have something wrong with me that no one else wants. Yet, I keep plodding forward. The only other option is to give up and I'm definitely not there yet. I have so much respect for you ladies that have been at this longer then me. I used to think there was no way I could keep at it (just like I thought I'd never be able to go through a miscarriage again after the first one). Your perspective changes when all you want is to be able to hold your baby.

Treatment for me now consists of fertility drugs and IUIs. We don't have any male factor problems but our insurance covers IUIs (we are very lucky that we have great insurance right now) so our RE recommended we use them. The hope is more eggs=one good one. So far, we're not having much luck. Our RE can't seem to get the dosage right. This cycle I ended up with one egg--not exactly what we were going/hoping for. I keep at it though because the regime has been successful for other bt ladies and because I'm doubting that when we move (probably within the next year or so) that our insurance will cover these treatments.

There is hope for me, however. Even with this crappy diagnosis ladies are succeeding. Recently the blog world has exploded with happy news for ladies with chromosomal issues. I'm so happy for each and every one of them. It gives me hope and a reason for continuing. Someday soon I'll hopefully be writing about my pregnancy.

ICLW

I've not done this before but I'm excited to give it a shot. For those not familiar, click on the link in my sidebar. It's a good way for us new bloggers to get to know our fellow bloggers.

Bring on the comments!

2 dpiui..

That's where I'm at right now. 2 days past my second IUI. I'm not really stressing out at all this cycle. Maybe that will change after I get to start inserting progesterone tomorrow. But, for now all is well in the world. No symptom tracking, no thinking about when the next time I get to poas will be, and no concerns about having to go through this all over again. Maybe the acupuncture really is helping me to be more zen.

It's made me really happy to see so many of my fellow bloggers getting their bfps (and for those of us still waiting--I'm pulling for you all). It makes me think it has to be my turn soon, right? Eventually I'll be one of those lucky ladies who after years of trials finally gets to make it through the milestones. A girl can dream...

Big thanks to Adverb! Because of her I finally got the gumption to add a date line to my blog. It bothered me as well but I just didn't make the time to fix it. Hope this makes it a bit easier to follow along on my journey.

Arghh..

Apparently the same protocol as last time gave significantly different end results. The multiple eggs I had a few days ago have turned into one 20mm egg with lots of small ones but still with a good lining 12.4. So, so disappointed. Luckily, I can get one egg on my own so I am a bit miffed to be spending the time/money/stress to get one egg a cycle. I seriously considered not doing IUIs this cycle but I guess we're going to go ahead.

Detached...

That's how I feel about this current cycle. I'm not temping, I'm not tracking symptoms, and quite frankly I feel rather removed from the whole process. I mean, I'm giving myself the shots every day but it doesn't really seem to register. It's just part of the routine. I thought a lot about why I'm reacting this way and I'm not sure. I'd like to think it's because I'm more zen and that the yoga, acupuncture, etc is helping my stress levels. It's more likely, however, that because the other cycles failed I'm not expecting this to be the miracle cycle. Also, knowing that IVF/PGD is an option has taken a bit of the weight off. At least we have somewhere to go if this doesn't work.

My first follicle check was pretty uneventful. I'm following the same protocol as my last cycle. Once again I have a lot of eggs. It looks like 3-5. My lining is already a 9.3 and triple stripe. We're looking at IUIs on Monday and Tuesday. My RE seems a bit perplexed as to why I haven't gotten a positive test yet. I'm not sure either but it's something I worry about a lot. I'm hoping that the 2ww can be as calm as the first half of my cycle. Hopefully at the end I'll get that bfp. If not, life goes on.

Moving Forward

I had my RE appt today. I'm back on the Follistim. Same protocol as last time. We're hoping to get a lot of eggs again. I spent a lot of time with my doctor discussing IVF/PGD. I keep going back and forth between PGD and aggressive transfer. My RE is for PGD (but would do either) and I trust her and her opinions so I think that's probably the route we will end up going. However, my RE thinks we should try to get one more bfp before heading into IVF. I'm actually feeling really good about this protocol and am happy to have some time to prepare myself for ivf--if it's needed.

Tomorrow I am embarking on a cleanse. I've never done one before (and I know a lot of people think they are crap) but I'm going to give it a shot. I'm going for the full mind/body makeover here. I'd like to lose 30 pounds before heading into ivf and I certainly know that I need to eat better. I'm hoping this cleanse will give me a jump start on the process. Of course, I'll let you all know how it's going. I'm sure it's not going to be easy but if we end up doing ivf I want to know that I've done everything possible to ensure success. If it fails, then at least I won't have the feelings of "if only I would have...". My second acupuncture appointment is also tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the relaxation.

My sisters pregnancy is progressing well. She's in her 15th week or so. I find myself avoiding conversations with her (usually we talk multiple times a week). It's just too difficult for me to hear about what baby item she's bought, how excited my parents are, etc. Perhaps she is feeling the strain as well because she doesn't call as often as she used to (or maybe she's just busy and I'm reading too much into this). Regardless, it's difficult and sad. I don't want her to think I'm being selfish or don't care but I'm not sure that she understands at all how hard this is.

New Year, New Outlook

Well, I'm going to try. 2010 was incredibly stressful so for 2011 I've decided I'm really going to work on my stress levels. I've got a couple things in mind--exercise, yoga, and acupuncture. I cheated and started the acupuncture in 2010. I really enjoyed my first appointment and it was nice to have nothing to do for 45 minutes but relax. The yoga and exercise will be starting on Friday the 7th. We have a guest in town right now and our itty bitty apartment is just not conducive to extra guest + yoga/zen room. I picked up the 12 week fertility plan and am using the yoga exercises in the book to craft my program. If anyone has used it before or has any advice, please let me know.

I had my first RE appointment of the year today. The cyst, happily, is gone. I'm not waiting on AF and then back to the RE for the Cd3 ultrasound/meds. I also found out that insurance will cover IVF and PGD! Now I have to decide when and if I want to go through with this. Mr. F and I are thinking we'll do at least 2 more medicated IUIs before moving on. I really want to be in a better frame of mind and in better physical condition before we move to IVF. So, for now, I'm going to try to focus my energy on getting myself healthy and happy again.

Apparently I was Bad this Year

I went to the RE this morning and found out I have a cyst (15x20). So, I was given the options of birth control or sitting out a cycle. Obviously, both were very appealing. So now, I'm on bcp for two weeks and if the cyst is gone I will get to then have another period. Yipee! Can you feel the sarcasm.

I spent the last hour crying to my husband. Mostly because I am so f'ing frustrated with this process. Nothing can ever be easy or just go well. There always has to be some kind of drama or giant problem. The last 3 months of treatments with the RE have gotten us nowhere. The last two years of ttc have gotten us nowhere. No closer to having a baby then we were when I was happily on birth control to prevent (ha!) pregnancy. Oh wait, they have given me 30 extra pounds that I certainly didn't need.

2010 has really been a sh*t year. I remember in 2009 thinking 2010 has to be better. Boy was I wrong. So, now heading into 2011--should I be thinking that same thing? Can it really get worse?

I'm starting acupuncture after the holidays. I'm hoping it well help calm me down and reduce my stress levels. I'm also going to start taking care of myself. To me this means that I'm going to start running again. Is it bad for you while in the 2ww, maybe. However, not running hasn't helped me at all either. I'm going to lose the weight that I've gained after each miscarriage. Might losing weight screw up my cycles? Again, don't care see above. If I can't have a baby I should at least be able to feel good about myself and how I look.

We're also looking into IVF/PGD. The insurance company should be getting my paperwork soon. Apparently they will cover IVF but probably not PGD. We'll see.

I Hate This Process

After staring at a stark white negative this morning, I've been a big old bundle of negative energy today. Granted I'm only 10 dpo but I can't help but feeling this cycle has failed as well. (It doesn't help when AF like cramps are happening--and I'm assuming it's just not here because the progesterone is stopping it). I'm feeling really down, depressed, and just dismayed at this entire process. Thinking about going through this again is just depressing. This was a picture perfect cycle great number of eggs, great lining, and nothing. I can't even get a chemical pregnancy anymore--at least then I would know something is going on.

Being the type A that I am, I started thinking today about where I want to go next. I think I've come up with a plan. On CD3 I'm going to let my RE know how disappointed I am. I'm going to ask that they put together a packet for my insurance company to see if I can get IVF/PGD covered. If this is a no (and it very likely could be) then I'm thinking about going with DE this summer. I'm actually thinking about doing this abroad--Czech Republic? Mr. F and I can't afford the $30k it'll cost us at my clinic and we can afford (albeit scraping it together) the $10-12k it will cost abroad. If anyone has any experience with this, please let me know. Your thoughts and input would be greatly appreciated.

Of course, Mr. F and I will continue with the COH process until we hear from the insurance company and probably until we pursue DE. It's also possible I'll change my mind. Right now though, I'm just feeling so over this process. I've never been overly concerned that our children have a genetic link (and neither has Mr. F). I'll also not have to worry about passing on my crappy genetics to a child--which is definitely a concern.