Moving Forward

I had my RE appt today. I'm back on the Follistim. Same protocol as last time. We're hoping to get a lot of eggs again. I spent a lot of time with my doctor discussing IVF/PGD. I keep going back and forth between PGD and aggressive transfer. My RE is for PGD (but would do either) and I trust her and her opinions so I think that's probably the route we will end up going. However, my RE thinks we should try to get one more bfp before heading into IVF. I'm actually feeling really good about this protocol and am happy to have some time to prepare myself for ivf--if it's needed.

Tomorrow I am embarking on a cleanse. I've never done one before (and I know a lot of people think they are crap) but I'm going to give it a shot. I'm going for the full mind/body makeover here. I'd like to lose 30 pounds before heading into ivf and I certainly know that I need to eat better. I'm hoping this cleanse will give me a jump start on the process. Of course, I'll let you all know how it's going. I'm sure it's not going to be easy but if we end up doing ivf I want to know that I've done everything possible to ensure success. If it fails, then at least I won't have the feelings of "if only I would have...". My second acupuncture appointment is also tomorrow. I'm looking forward to the relaxation.

My sisters pregnancy is progressing well. She's in her 15th week or so. I find myself avoiding conversations with her (usually we talk multiple times a week). It's just too difficult for me to hear about what baby item she's bought, how excited my parents are, etc. Perhaps she is feeling the strain as well because she doesn't call as often as she used to (or maybe she's just busy and I'm reading too much into this). Regardless, it's difficult and sad. I don't want her to think I'm being selfish or don't care but I'm not sure that she understands at all how hard this is.

New Year, New Outlook

Well, I'm going to try. 2010 was incredibly stressful so for 2011 I've decided I'm really going to work on my stress levels. I've got a couple things in mind--exercise, yoga, and acupuncture. I cheated and started the acupuncture in 2010. I really enjoyed my first appointment and it was nice to have nothing to do for 45 minutes but relax. The yoga and exercise will be starting on Friday the 7th. We have a guest in town right now and our itty bitty apartment is just not conducive to extra guest + yoga/zen room. I picked up the 12 week fertility plan and am using the yoga exercises in the book to craft my program. If anyone has used it before or has any advice, please let me know.

I had my first RE appointment of the year today. The cyst, happily, is gone. I'm not waiting on AF and then back to the RE for the Cd3 ultrasound/meds. I also found out that insurance will cover IVF and PGD! Now I have to decide when and if I want to go through with this. Mr. F and I are thinking we'll do at least 2 more medicated IUIs before moving on. I really want to be in a better frame of mind and in better physical condition before we move to IVF. So, for now, I'm going to try to focus my energy on getting myself healthy and happy again.

Apparently I was Bad this Year

I went to the RE this morning and found out I have a cyst (15x20). So, I was given the options of birth control or sitting out a cycle. Obviously, both were very appealing. So now, I'm on bcp for two weeks and if the cyst is gone I will get to then have another period. Yipee! Can you feel the sarcasm.

I spent the last hour crying to my husband. Mostly because I am so f'ing frustrated with this process. Nothing can ever be easy or just go well. There always has to be some kind of drama or giant problem. The last 3 months of treatments with the RE have gotten us nowhere. The last two years of ttc have gotten us nowhere. No closer to having a baby then we were when I was happily on birth control to prevent (ha!) pregnancy. Oh wait, they have given me 30 extra pounds that I certainly didn't need.

2010 has really been a sh*t year. I remember in 2009 thinking 2010 has to be better. Boy was I wrong. So, now heading into 2011--should I be thinking that same thing? Can it really get worse?

I'm starting acupuncture after the holidays. I'm hoping it well help calm me down and reduce my stress levels. I'm also going to start taking care of myself. To me this means that I'm going to start running again. Is it bad for you while in the 2ww, maybe. However, not running hasn't helped me at all either. I'm going to lose the weight that I've gained after each miscarriage. Might losing weight screw up my cycles? Again, don't care see above. If I can't have a baby I should at least be able to feel good about myself and how I look.

We're also looking into IVF/PGD. The insurance company should be getting my paperwork soon. Apparently they will cover IVF but probably not PGD. We'll see.

I Hate This Process

After staring at a stark white negative this morning, I've been a big old bundle of negative energy today. Granted I'm only 10 dpo but I can't help but feeling this cycle has failed as well. (It doesn't help when AF like cramps are happening--and I'm assuming it's just not here because the progesterone is stopping it). I'm feeling really down, depressed, and just dismayed at this entire process. Thinking about going through this again is just depressing. This was a picture perfect cycle great number of eggs, great lining, and nothing. I can't even get a chemical pregnancy anymore--at least then I would know something is going on.

Being the type A that I am, I started thinking today about where I want to go next. I think I've come up with a plan. On CD3 I'm going to let my RE know how disappointed I am. I'm going to ask that they put together a packet for my insurance company to see if I can get IVF/PGD covered. If this is a no (and it very likely could be) then I'm thinking about going with DE this summer. I'm actually thinking about doing this abroad--Czech Republic? Mr. F and I can't afford the $30k it'll cost us at my clinic and we can afford (albeit scraping it together) the $10-12k it will cost abroad. If anyone has any experience with this, please let me know. Your thoughts and input would be greatly appreciated.

Of course, Mr. F and I will continue with the COH process until we hear from the insurance company and probably until we pursue DE. It's also possible I'll change my mind. Right now though, I'm just feeling so over this process. I've never been overly concerned that our children have a genetic link (and neither has Mr. F). I'll also not have to worry about passing on my crappy genetics to a child--which is definitely a concern.

Even in My Dreams...

Apparently I am a ttc crazy person. Last night I went to sleep without Mr. F (he was out with friends). When he came home he woke me up to give me a kiss goodnight. Apparently our conversation was nearly one sided and I was acting completely crazy. I told him that my eggs weren't done. He prodded me some more and apparently I said they needed to be fertilized. This is where he picked up that I wasn't talking about a breakfast item. He told me that he didn't know what I was talking about and started laughing at me. I got pissed and told him he knew what he needed to do and if he wouldn't do it just to leave me alone.

I remember before drifting off thinking about this cycle and how upset I would be if there wasn't a good egg out of 3-5 I had. So, I'm guessing this is where the crazy talk came from. In other news, I'm patiently sitting in the 2ww. I haven't tested once (which is a record for me). I'm planning on testing Friday morning--11dpo. Like every 2ww I've been obsessively tracking symptoms. I've had a lot of cramping this cycle and just today a nice temp spike. I'm not really sure how progesterone suppositories work but I've been on them since 2dpo. It seems kind of weird to me that my temp would spike now at 8dpo. (see obsessively symptom spotting). Anyways, will let you all know what Friday brings. I'm hoping it's two dark pink lines.

IUI #3 is over

Happy to say that it went without a hitch. I had back to back IUIs yesterday and today. Mr F's counts were great at 60 and 50 million. My RE put me on progesterone supplementation this cycle. I will start these on Thursday. This is actually a first for me and I'm hoping that it only adds more positivity to this cycle.

My beta for this cycle will be on 12/22. Christmas is my favorite time of the year and I imagine that a bfn after all those follies, great counts, and progesterone support would really bum me out and put a bit of a damper on the holiday festivities. So, once again crossing my fingers for this cycle and hoping that I'll have something to be extra happy for this Christmas.

Speaking of, I'm nearly done with my shopping. I've got a few more things to pick up and a couple of presents to ship to family members but the majority of my shopping is done. This time of year can be difficult for me because to me Christmas=family but because we are so far away we don't get to see them every year. This time around it will just be Mr. F and me for the holidays. That being said, I'm also kind of relieved. I don't have to see my sister, hear about the baby, etc. I believe she is telling our extended family at the Christmas gathering. This would have been emotion overload for me...so maybe it's better that it's just us this year.

Holy follicles!

So my IUIs are scheduled for Monday and Tuesday morning. I get to give myself my trigger shot tomorrow morning. This will be the first time I give myself this shot, so I'm a little nervous. I think the timing will be better, however, then the past IUIs. Usually my clinic gives the trigger the same time as IUI #1 which has never made much sense to me.

My lining is crazy thick 14mm. I consulted dr. google and am a bit concerned that it may be too thick. Opinions seem to widely vary. So, for the follies...I have 3 above 18. 2 currently at 16 and 1 at 13. I'm hoping that the 2 at 16 will catch-up and research makes it seem like they probably will. So, anywhere from 3-5 follies. Yea! My RE is a little nervous about letting me trigger with this many follies. However, because I have such crappy eggs I'm not really worried about multiples.

I've been reading others stories about their IUIs and it seems like most ladies have blood tests done to test E2 levels. I've never had this done and am curious as to why. Another question to ask my RE. Anyways, hope you all have a great weekend!

A Relaxing Thanksgiving

I had a wonderful time in Las Vegas. We ate until we could eat no more and visited a couple restaurants we were really excited about trying. Of course, the vacation flew by and it was extremely difficult to return to work on Monday morning.

I had my first follie appointment on Monday. I'm doing pretty well. My lining is 6.7 (hoping that increases by my next appointment on Thursday). I have four follies (2 on each side) that are around the same size and 6-10 that are not far behind. Of course, I got the speech about possible cancellation if there are too many--but my RE seems to be behind being more aggressive this cycle. So, hopefully on Thursday there will be 4 eggs and a perfect lining. A girl can dream, right?

My sister had her first scan and all is well. Her due date is the day after my birthday. Really, really hoping that I'm successfully pregnant by that point.

Follistim it is

All follistim, yea! No more crappy clomid to wreck my lining. I'm doing 75iu until Monday and then in for a follie check. Very thankful that my insurance covers the medication because it would be $900 without the coverage. Yikes.

We're leaving for vacation tomorrow. We're heading to Vegas to eat our hearts out. I'm a little worried about taking the meds on the plane but I think I've got what I need. I just have to find someplace that will give me ice for my pen. Speaking of keeping follistim cold--I was never told that I needed to do this before. So, last cycle the meds were room temperature. I'm hoping this didn't cause any problems. Oops.

My sister was supposed to meet us on this trip. Unfortunately her and her husband not able to come because of her extreme morning sickness. So, it'll be just me and my husband. A nice little vacation with just the two of us. See you all when I get back.

I Love my Family but...

I lied to my mother yesterday. I told her that we had decided to take a break for awhile. I told her I was thinking about going back on birth control. I told her then I wouldn't have to worry about whether I was pregnant or not every month and I could quit being disappointed.

Yesterday, I actually felt this way. I seriously was considering throwing in the towel. After getting a faint BFP and immediately starting to spot red blood afterwards, I just wanted to give up. There was no hope left in my heart.

I actually regret telling our families that we were going through this process. I know they are trying to be supportive but it makes me feel like s.hit every cycle when I get to tell them it didn't work again. Not to mention my mom loves her platitudes "all will be well" and really those kind of comments just make me angry. My family is convinced that now that my younger sister is pregnant (and apparently not cursed with genetic anomaly I have) that it will be my turn soon as well. I just need to keep trying--again could club them. I think it will be easier on me if they all think we've given up for awhile. I can cry on my husbands shoulder every cycle this doesn't work and not have to relay the details to my sister and mother.

I hope I don't sound too heartless. I really do love my family but right now they really aren't helping. I am trying to be supportive of my sister (who has hyperemesis) but it is so hard. Being infertile really sucks.

8dpiui or crazytown

I've convinced myself that I'm pregnant this cycle. Earlier I had red spotting for one wipe. Now my nipples are on fire. The only possible conclusion, I'm pregnant. After all, I more then deserve it. The only thing I had going for me before (we're talking ttc here) is that I could get pregnant fairly easily. Now, I'm not even doing that. It's been 6 months since my last miscarriage. I know that for many this doesn't seem like a long time. But, for me, it feels like a lifetime.

I guess I feel like if I get pregnant easily then I am better able to withstand the 10 miscarriages that might happen before I get my first take home baby. If I can't get pregnant easily then it just puts me that much farther away from my goal. And so I hope, that this is the cycle. I read way too much into symptoms that could just be leftover from the hcg trigger or the fertility medications I was on earlier this cycle. It's going to be a big disappointment if this cycle didn't work. We leave for vacation on Wednesday and depending on when AF shows up, we may have to sit out next cycle (med wise). Man, I hope this is it.

I'm back..

I got to head out on a nice little vacation for the weekend. A friend and I went to the west coast for a few days. The primary reason I was there was for a conference but I managed to squeeze some fun and sun in as well. It was a much needed break and has helped the 2ww progress a bit faster.

While I was there I had a bit of a scare with some bright red spotting happening out of nowhere. I'm only 4dpiui so there's no way that it could be implantation spotting. I guess I'm not sure what to think but one more thing to worry about and bring up at the next RE appointment.

My sister goes for her first doctor appointment this week. I'm nervous for her but hoping that all is well and goes well. She has tricare so I guess she's not sure if they will do an ultrasound for her at this appointment or not. I'm still feeling pretty sad about the whole situation but trying to be the bigger person and work through those feelings on my own.